Its my mum's first birthday since passing today. She would be 84. Thought i felt her presence very strong last night while helping dad to bed. Fear at first then peace (knowing God is stronger & will only let the light in). Then a gentle smile comes, i actually think mum is ok with mw being here now. Approves. She talks to me now and then (not audibly ) Usually brief approval things - sometimes screams but i just ignore that irrational side now she can't hurt me). there was a soft side tucked away with mum - that part remains (the love).
My aunt (her sister) rang last night, asked if we had anything planned for mums B'say, then said "you don't have to DO anything" Thinks dad might get sad (i doubt it). Realised later - it was a call FOR HER more than us i think. She sure would miss mum - her big sister. They talked nearly every day. She's my fav aunt ❤
Mum gets a lot of mail still - driver's license renewal one of them - she needs a medical 😏 Dad says "she wont need that now" Weird when he keeps thinking i'm her - he thought her mail was mine, even calls me her name a lot. Hate ir. Sad, especially with mum's echo "you're replacing me" or bro2 declaring I'm pocessed by mum. (dine with their BS... him & baby sis).
But part of being a servant ia becoming invisible
Haven't heard from myason while. Sense to give him space.
Apart from lighting candles for mum - not sure what else to do for her. If i was back home i'd spend the day in bed. Paralysed.
. Dad's not connecting in any way to mum's b'day. Dates of anything seem irrellivant to him.
ACTUALLY, WONDER IF MY BEING HERE IS A GOOD THING ANYMORE - AM I DOING HIM A DISADVANTAGE EMOTIONALLY BY BEING HERE? DELAYING GRIEF? BUT WHY GRIEVE @ HIS AGE? Life is rarely black & whitw.
I woke to loud whistling noises in my ears. Thinks itz settling ?diet, ?streas spike. I'm tired. Woke 4am, can hear garbage collection (5am). Fridays are noisy here.
Guess i do miss mum - few tears for her here, and for my girl. All weird. Her friend @church rang wanting to have cuppa today, wonder if she remembers?
