Stopped

[ob1]

The following post discusses physical and sexual abuse and may trigger negative emotions. Please use your discretion as to whether you click to view the post.

Content/trigger warning

I’ve been married to my wife for almost 10 years. She is undiagnosed but I believe she suffers from bouts of extreme anxiety. She has done what I would refer to as the counseling  circuit and we have had two beautiful children. About 5 years ago the anxiety became so bad that she falsely accused me of sexually abusing our son and I have found it very difficult to get past that. After that episode of extreme anxiety came a period of intermittent flare ups but none to that extent until a couple of weeks ago. Her anxiety levels rose again but this time there were more false allegations of physical abuse. Our daughter still sleeping in our bed woke up crying due to pain in her leg. My wife said she was going to take her to Emergency to have her checked out. This was strange as she had had the exact same pains a few months prior which my wife said were due to growing pains at the time. She then also said she was going to take our son. I said he was happy sleeping and to leave but she said she was going to take him. Alarm bells started ringing for me at this point. The she tried to take the dog too. I had to stand behind the car to stop her from leaving the garage, at which point she said she was going to phone the police. She did and also told them that there were drawings the kids had done that “confirmed” abuse. When police arrived they spoke to both of us separately and then told me their hands were tied as there was no immediate danger to either her or anyone else. The next night I was exhausted and went to bed at 8.20pm. I awoke at 2.30 am as our dog was barking and I could hear knocking on the front door. I opened the bedroom door (sleeping alone now as both our kids and wife sleeping in living room floor) to see 3 police officers entering the house. They told her she should seek a medical help. She told it was in hand and they spoke to me briefly reiterating what they told my wife. She had actually lied to them and had only arranged to see a friend who is a counsellor to talk through options. I went to see her with my wife as she felt this was important but I saw it as delaying what she needs to do. It was like a little informal chat over a herbal tea and a complete waste of time. When I got home after a few hours she announced she was still scared of me. I left to calm down and think through my options and as I seem to be the main cause of her anxiety I left. I have no option financially other than to go back and I miss my children so much already and it’s only been a few hours. I feel the marriage is over and reason has left her. I’m on a friend’s couch for a few nights but work on Monday and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

[greenpea]

@ob1  Hi ob1 and welcome to the forums. It does sound like your wife needs professional help but unfortunately no one can be forced unless they are a danger to themselves or others .... I have been down this route many times both for myself and my son2. I think you need a good lawyer to be honest what she is accussing you of is very worrying indeed and can get you into alot of trouble. Make a note of all the police visitations .... of everything that happens. You don't mention how old the children are but if your daughter is getting growing pains she is obviously a early teens? Hmmm .... I hate to be alarmist but I think you are in alot of trouble. Go and visit your trusted gp today and ask for advice. Definitely be at home with your children but make a note of everything that happens.Keep us posted and I really wish you the best of luck. greenpea

[ob1]

My daughter is 4 and son is 6. She has retracted (and it is on file) the allegations about sexual abuse from 5 years ago. She has also said that she doesn’t think that I am physically hurting the kids. She still says she is scared of me and this is why I left the family home last night. There is no reason or logic in what she is saying but to her friends she is putting on a very calm and rational front. I am trying to keep it together but having a lot of trouble doing so. We were supposed to be going to the uk for a holiday and to see grandparents and great grandmother. She has now told me her and kids aren’t going. This is days after her suggesting getting tickets for us all to a West End show. We have probably spent about $10k so far and it’s all now wasted. She has said I can go on my own which shows how logical she is being. I am truly at a loss. 

[ob1]

I should also add I am not nor have I ever been violent to my wife or my children which is why it is so deeply hurtful.

[greenpea]

@ob1  Honestly there is nothing you can do until everything falls apart which it sounds like it is starting to. I am so sorry ob1 this is happening to you and to be honest it sounds more than just anxiety but she really has to be assessed to find out the right diagnosis but unless she does it herself or becomes a danger to herself or others she cannot be forced to do so. This puts you in a terrib le situation but I really believe that you should not be forced out of your home away from your children particularly when they are so young they need their dad.

[Former-Member]

Hey there @ob1, firstly thank you so much for sharing your story and reaching out to us here on the forums. Certainly we are a community that can provide a lot of peer to peer support around your own mental wellbeing as well as what you are experiencing with your wife.

I can't imagine how confusing this all is for you, and the back and forth around the allegations certainly would be incredibly painful. I hope you don't mind but I have placed a content warning on your initial post, this is not in anyway to censor your narrative as it's important you feel heard. It's just to give a heads up to those members who have experienced abuse, sometimes these conversations can churn up a lot of historical pain so we're just mindful as Community Manager's in the process.

Out of interest have you ever spoken to the team at Mensline (1300 78 99 78)? They have a lot of insight in this area. The crew there have professional counsellors available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and often provide varying strategies on conflict management and other avenues of support for experiences such as this. In addition they have a forum as well 🙂 Though you're still totally welcome here.

Have you thought about seeking out a new family therapist for yourself and your wife?

Speak soon @ob1 

[ob1]

I haven’t spoken to them. I got here from MHERL site. I don’t really feel like I have any control over what my wife will do. She said she is going to go to someone. I think she needs medication but she is dead set against this. Meds are a short term fix I’m aware but my kids are suffering as a result. She knows this but attributes it to me but I believe it’s her. The police visits were distressing and the circumstances that led to them for the kids which would have been avoided had she sought help earlier. Her mother is undiagnosed and also has mental health issues and my wife has repressed memories of some sort of abuse as a child. The bottom line is she has no appreciation for the chaos she’s causing or the distress the kids and I are under. She’s in an extremely protective mode around the kids and any suggestions i could make would be seen as me trying to control her and manipulate the situation to her detriment. Impossible situation for me to get any successful outcome unless someone tells her she needs to be medicated. If I initiate that she won’t listen to them even if they have qualifications and experience beyond question. She is so sure her reality is correct I have begun to doubt my own. 

[Ali11]

Hi @ob1 and thank you for sharing your story with us.

This must be an incredibly difficult time for you. It is common in this situation for partners to feel under a lot of pressure to be strong, but that doesn't have to be the case. How do you feel about speaking to someone, either professionally or personally, about the distress you are feeling? Looking after your own wellbeing is just as important and I hope you have some support in this time. Your GP can be one place to start.

[ob1]

I spoke to Mensline yesterday. Their response wasn’t particularly helpful. The counsellor I spoke to suggested that my actions ie stopping my wife from driving to hospital with our two children and dog(!!!) in the middle of the night could have been taken as being aggressive by my wife. From her perspective anything I do or say is aggressive at the moment. If we were to reverse the situation and I was driving the car and she was standing in front of it to prevent leaving with our kids and dog I would still be viewed as the aggressor.

I despair at this double standard where men are constantly judged as being aggressive when I simply wanted to avoid my wife causing further distress to the kids. If I had simply let her go the possible fallout of that would have been worse for everyone of us.

I fear for the long term future of my children should my wife and I separate permanently. I feel the whole situation is out of control and we are heading to an inevitable conclusion where my wife’s episodes drive the wedge further into the divide between us that already exists. 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @ob1 

You seem to understand her fear may be separate from your actions actually inducing that fear.

Tbh I am concerned at indiscriminate allegations of sexual and physical abuse and how that increases the distance and tensions between men and women.  (my exhusband accused his exes MIL of sex abuse .... sigh ... it had become a thing and I only came to terms with the consequences of real sex abuse and sexual ignorance and judgments).  Innuendo is powerful  I am also concerned at the denial of very high levels of aggression in women.  Women have been more violent to me than men, and I am a woman.

My personal history is that I had to do years of research after dad died to get to the bottom of what was going down in my parents marriage and make sense of my own life.

Today at the doctor's clinic, I witnessed low key diagreements between a mum and dad over a toddler.  Dad was leaping through hoops and mum was sullen and oppositional.

If you feel you are not being heard at Mensline, that is doubly terrible as it is the service supposedly doing that job.  Keep looking for respect and dignity.

The world, families and children need good men.