Am Not Coping

[Appleblossom]

@Zoe7 For me you were fun sensitive artistic thoughtful.  

You did not do anything wrong to me at all.  

I know that SH suicide and attempts effect the people around. I know that all too well, but I also know that people only think, feel or act that way, because of their own pain. I am very sorry that you have felt that deeply.

When we get isolated and dont have many people in our life .. the forum connections mean .. I hope you dont carry that as a weighty responsibility, but just as a group of people that started to get to know you and hang out and care.

Of course it is totally up to you what you do, but dont angst over the forum.... get yourself into a healthier place in your own head nad in your own life.

many warm regards

Apple

[Kurra]

I'm so pleased to hear from you @Zoe7.
You've joinedy club because I too failed in the same way you have.

I was on a different forum about 15 years ago and I left a message very similar to the last 2 you sent before you disappeared. Two of the other people on the forum contacted the police and the police got me to hospital in time.

Yes it was terribly embarrassing because I too distressed a lot people on that forum. Eventually I was able to accept what I had done to myself and to other people. Now I can speak about my serious attempts in public without feeling bad about it. I can't change what happened but I can change my future.

I believe I can speak for everyone who are members of SANE and say that no one here thinks about you as a nad person. Quite the opposite actually.

You are respected and loved. You are a valied member of the forum family.
Huge Hugzzz 💕 🎶

[utopia]

beautifully said @Kurra

[Former-Member]

😘🤗 @Kurra @Appleblossom

both massively important contributions to this discussion

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yep ❣

[pip]

Dear @Zoe7. I too were where you are now. The overwhelming pain, the feeling of why am I still here. Zoe, please don't hurt yourself, whatever you are feeling now, it will pass. I attempted in 2014 and I'm grateful to say, I failed. Had I succeeded I wouldn't have met anyone I can now call a friend. I'm just so sorry you were unable to reach out for help. I know BB has an amazing crisis support team who would've responded immediately, also the ambulance crisis support team would've taken you to the nearest ED. I promise you from the bottom of my heart, your pain will ease, mine did, I know yours will too. The blackness you're surrounded by will lift. I don't need an answer now, but I hope to see you on the forums soon, just to let us know you're still here.

[Zoe7]

@utopia I will do what I can to be around over the weekend for you. I can't promise anything at the moment other than I will try.

Goodluck with your friend - I really hope he calls and you now can at least have your mind eased that he is ok.

I really miss my friend - every day seems to be a little darker without her. She certainly shone a really bright light on my life and I hope the light that I know is within her bursts it's way out and she can shine brightly for both herself and others in the future.

@utopia in regards to the new t-shirt line - I think maybe the caption should read "If you can read this - you are too close" or "If you can read this - stop touching me!" (considering it is braille).

Everyone else - I can only do one thing at a time at the moment so I hope you understand if I can't personally reply to everyone just yet 

[utopia]

@Zoe7. Yes you need to stop touching me - if you can read this. Glad your humour is intact - even if only for a minute here or there.
It is cruel of me to tease you with my old friend and his - potential ph call. You have your own stuff going on. But I do know that you can understand my mixed feelings on this issue.
I want to help him. Impossible I know - it's his journey.
I'm mad at him for cutting communication out of the blue.
I've missed having - what I consider to be a special friend - who I can talk to about anything & who doesn't judge me. (At least I think he doesn't). - self doubt keeps creeping in. I'm trying to shut up my negative self talk over this & my fears.
If you are around on the weekend - it would be great. But you and your health have to come first - before my - whatever my relationships with him is.
So I'll understand if you don't / can't reply straight away.
But I will post to you and let you know what happens or doesn't happen.
I can understand your feelings regarding your special friend.
She is so lucky to have you be able to see the good in her.
And hopefully, soon, she will also be able to see the goodness she has.
I love the word 'light' that you used to describe her soul. Beautiful.
Hang in there @Zoe7.
We don't know the future. We just can't predict it. But we can put good vibes or prayers or intentions into the universe. We can declare to the moon or god or whatever symbol you like - our intentions and desires.
But we do this - and then we need to get on with our day. Do the dishes. Go to work. Go to group or class. Cook dinnee. Walk in a forest. Sing. Dance. Cry.
And rhen we can say our intensions and desires out loud again. And so it continues.
And one day - we realise - our intentions are here. We have our desires.
Don't give up on your friend.
Don't give up on yourself.
Sending you love and strength. ♥♥

[Zoe7]

@utopia It's not cruel at all - I'm really pleased that you at least know he is alive and safe. Whether you get a call or not you have at least got an answer for that fear. If you do get a call then my only advice is to let the joy of the contact seep through every part of you and hold onto that feeling. I am trying to hold onto all the joy my friendship gave me - and hopefully at times she can feel that as well. 

Don't doubt yourself - what you feel towards your friend is pure and loving - what more can anyone ask for! If that is not reciprocated then THEY have lost something special - not you 

I really am finding everything really difficult at the moment - I'm just really lost. I've gone back down the well and and can't see any light above at the moment. I am struggling with see-sawing between feeling nothing and then feeling intensely. Every single part of me seems to hurt and to stop those feelings I just shut out everything. Can't focus, can't get motivated to do anything, can't even see beyond today. I have to make a decsion about work next week and I can't even make a decision about my own life! Not sure where to go to from here!

[utopia]

@Zoe7. It's so hard when we have no energy to decide what to do. No energy to think beyond this minute.
That's why I find the forum helpful. Advice from others. Motivation. Or simply love and understanding for what I'm going through now.
But even with all of my friends here - I still need the help of my psychologist. He is great at pulling apart what I am talking about or feeling. He calls a spade a spade - which I really appreciate - even if it hurts at first. I know he has my best intentions at heart.
I wish you had this sort of relationship with a health care provider.
Some members here find writing in a journal helpful. I use this forum as my journal. Lol.
Why not write down memories of your conversations with your friend. Or write down what you love about her. What her strengths are. What her passions are.
And write down yours. I bet they will be really similar. Especially if you write honestly - and not from your negative self talk.
Sometimes a chocolate bar and wrapping yourself up in a blanket - is very soothing / comforting - during a crisis.
have you seen the thread here about comfort box ? Sorry - I don't know how to attach it. But it's a help during those times we struggle the most.
And if you need a hug - I'm there giving you one.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better and get you out of this vortex of depression.
Try and remember - this feeling - these negative emotions - are short term. You've fekt the joyful emotions. Try and remember them. Try and focus on them.
I'm here anytime you need me.♥♥♥