Fragile

[Zoe7]

Your cats are adorable @Appleblossom Tobes and Clover sometimes sleep together - Clover is the instigator, Toby could not care less lol

[Shaz51]

Awww your cats are beautiful 😍 @Appleblossom 

Hello @Zoe7 , @Jacques , @tyme 😊

[Appleblossom]

@Shaz51 @Zoe7 they are very good friends. They are interesting and full of fun and personality. It has been worth it.

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom PRECIOUS DARLINGS!! If you wanna share more pics I wouldn't be complaining 😋

SANE Cattery would love to see em!! 

TY for sharing, hope your day is unfolding gently 😊

[Appleblossom]

It was interesting. @Jynx 

I went to rock band practice round the corner to bring their book back cos I thought they didn't want me. It seems they didn't want the other guy and did want me but didn't make it clear. I stayed. The guy who was pushy and bossy last time was still like that but did say one inclusive thing to me today. It is interesting how vulnerable and low my self esteem and self confidence is, even when I am highly skilled. So much damage done to me all my life by those I loved. 

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom mm for sure, takes soooo long to untangle from like, 'which parts of my self-hate are mine, and which are just repetitions of crappy things people said to me as a kid?'

Turns out they're like.... all the latter lol. 

Do you also find that like, it ebbs and flows? Like some weeks my self-confidence n self-esteem feels solid, other weeks I'm like 'why am I so affected by this what the heck'

[Appleblossom]

Yes and yes @Jynx 

But because my lack of being able to stand up for myself in the 16 years of slavery in my marriage. I was Not permitted to say my truths and my children became confused.... And didn't know basic things about me.

..t has made misunderstandings last a lot longer than they should have.

I was triggered by some one posting about Use your darn skills.... Which just seemed marketing for cutting people off and being intolerant and judging.  Did not see much about skills apart from person boasting about a Phd. Big deal. Phds are pretty narrow focus.

So I WORK HARD at being non reactive whereas most don't even know or care or think about it.

Sunday sacred and early music and Monday rock band. Don't tell me I have not been diplomatic or adaptive, but that's what people assume....

Very weary....doubt a cutesy recovery model is going to change that. The challenge is for me to refuse to become cynical.

[Appleblossom]

Keep seeing beautyRed hot poker - torch lilyMany moons of you ...John OgdenLove Indigenous and all arts

[Jynx]

Was it your lack of being able to stand up for yourself @Appleblossom or was it that you were manipulated into believing that to do so would be dangerous? 

Mm I do see what you mean. I do understand that this is the only option for some people and that it is an act of personal empowerment and all. But... I also believe that everyone, everyone deserves forgiveness (not to say victims HAVE to forgive perpetrators but that every human being is capable of redemption). No-Contact is not the only way to resolve issues within traumatic bonds. I am all for anything that can help empower people to escape - I am also however wary of anything that claims to be the be all and end all approach to resolving a situation.

Yes, it can be very isolating at times when you can't quite explain to someone JUST HOW MUCH energy it takes to keep your brain grounded hey 😅 And denying the onset of cynicism is an admirable quest, one I keep on myself. I think it takes a lot more courage to stay fiercely kind than it does to exist behind a veil of aloof criticality. Good on you for not letting a jaded worldview cloud your ability to see the good in people. 

[Appleblossom]

What happened today with the rock band symbolised some of the stuff in the family. @Jynx I thought they didn't want me, but they let someone else go....

What is a perpetrator?... and who gets set up....who gets blamed for what ... what happens when people scapegoat and they don't even know the story....my neck pain began at 26 ...what is a reasonable amount of support or sleep for a human being during 16 years of abuse and slavery. I wasn't treated like a human. My ex mocked me as being a cuckoo bird ( looks after other birds chicks) and being a boiled frog... he turned the heat up so slowly I didn't realise the danger and jump out of the pot. I understated the damage done to me as a child and in my marriage. So now I do talk about it. The rest of my siblings are dead and I am left, but I am blamed. Which is ridiculous but it is the way it is.

I was frequently silenced by different people as a child (eg., orphanage workers, foster parents, teachers, and I did get on with things) then my biological mother's shame meant that my younger siblings couldn't talk about anything when they returned. It was not good for any of us not to be able to talk about being wards of the state. Also if nobody cares and nobody is listening then that has a way of silencing people. 

In my marriage was a vocal older child who in the end was a sex worker and dominatrix. My daughter endured a lot of biting and bullying from her. I couldn't stop it and definitely regret she experienced it. It was torture, watching it and trying to manage and distract the biggest one. I was blamed for favouring my own child, so the tables kept being turned and the carpet dragged from under me. I must have been really stupid. I couldn't even bath my infant son in peace or later, tell my son to get dressed for school. I don't expect people to understand any more and even expensive professionals don't seem to comprehend. It has taken a decade and half from leaving the marriage to recover to a bearable level of reducing the physical pain and the grief. I don't want to complain but even at the gym some people could see I was in pain, and just doing the work.... anyway. Problem is it has been hard getting any one to back me. I would prefer to be dead but that would be wrong