@Owlunar Your post came at a pretty poignant time for me tonight. I was sinking quickly but you have helped me to stop that slide for now - so thankyou for that 
I am so very glad that you are feeling a little better tonight - I was worried about you - because I know you would not intentionally hurt anyone and there was still a weight on your shoulders that was triggering other 'stuff' for you.
What I have told you (and others tonight) is only a very small part of 'my story' - the truth is 'my story' in it's entirety may never be told - that is simply too hard to deal with - for me and definitely wouldn't be for anyone else.
Sometimes our choices are forced upon us - there is no easy answer and no easy way 'out' - just a choice to do with our situations as best we can in that moment - that is what I am trying to do every day - my choice at the moment is to live with this pain - I am choosing to continue this way for the benefit of others. How long I can continue in this vain is definitely not a question I can answer. But as I have said before - whatever is to come in my life, and wherever I end up - it will be MY choice. The past may dictate my present (every second of every day) but if/when I choose to end that pain it will be completely on my times - and it will be my one moment in my life of complete freedom.
Hi @Zoe7
When I start writing in the forum I tend to start at the top and work down - and this message came in after I stopped - so I am writing here now
Thanks so much for your help yesterday - you probably know how helpful it is - how wonderful it is - to have someone understand and tell us that when things go wobbly - I am okay but that might have been different without your support
And from what I read the support was on both sides which is (I am looking for another good word) the best - after all - no one was at fault and life is a learning process -
I understand you will probably never tell your whole story - there are things (mostly in my son's life) that I will take to my grave - many other things as well - but what is the point of repeating them unless we are unloading to a therapist - people in our personal circles would not want to hear or believe the truth -
Maybe this is one of the big issues of life - the truth can be so obvious and concrete to us but to say the words - no - those words can get in the way of the bigger picture
You seem to have choices worked out and for now you are chosing to live with the pain
I think you probably know I have chronic spinal pain that is inoperable. My choice is to live with it also but I do have a great medical team and the appropriate medication. Living with physical pain is easier than the mental and emotional pain in our soul though - seeing as I have had a serve of both -
Thanks again Zoe - I would not intentionally hurt someone - thinking back maybe it could have been dealt with more easily earlier - but then - who knows - I didn't see it coming - and we all have to protect our space
I'm so glad I was able to help you too - esp from sinking into a deep hole
Dec
You are most welcome @Owlunar - yesterday was a tough day for you but you have had a lot of those lately and I had faith that you would get through it - I am glad I could help you though - and as I said- you helped me also That is one of the best things about this community - sometimes in helping others we are able to find a little clarity for ourselves! It is definitely a give-and- take environment - but a bit like you I do prefer the giving than the taking!
Hindsight is both a wonderful thing but can also become a weight on our shoulders - I think you handled things well - there was never going to be a way that some hurt was not going to be avoided - but the community is here to support both of you and anyone else that needs it.
I do agree that living with the emotional pain is so much harder - the physical pain certainly compounds the issues but is manageable. I think it is the unpredictability of the emotional pain that is the hardest to deal with. With my own physical pain I can take meds thst alleviate the pain somewhat but then I know how to manage the pain that is still there - don't know how to 'manage' the emotional side of things as well!!!!!
I hope you find some time today to do something nice for yourself - you deserve as much light in your life as is possible Dec. 
Hi @Zoe7
Today is much better - I just had a man come and clean the filters on my A/C which is on the reverse cycle - it was full of dust and I need to have this done every six months -
Because I am in Government Housing I am at the mercy of the Ministry - but this time they sent a guy urgently - so now I have it running better and I can go and have my hair cut which I thought I might not be able to
As I said - things are better
So yes - do something nice for myself - having my heater working properly is one good thing and getting my hair done - I ran out of frozen yoghurt - ow - bad one - that's my go-to for an instant fix
I hope you can do something nice for yourself today also Zoe
Dec
That is all great news @Owlunar
I am party planning - and as strange as it may seem to some this is actually something I enjoy so I am already doing something nice for myself. I am also hoping to be able to paint a little later today - but that will depend on how I am feeling and whether I can actually hold a paint brush for more than a few minutes.
Zoe
@Former-Member I don't think you are thick but maybe it is because @Owlunar and I have had discussions much earlier than the present ones and there is actually alot that wouldn't 'make sense' from someone who is reading the current discussion. It is difficult to 'take in the full picture' when you have not been a part of an earlier discussion as we do not tend to repeat things that we have already discussed elsewhere - that does make it really difficult for others to enter into the discussion - I am sorry that you have felt a little bewildered here 
I personally know - it goes without saying - that you care - and you are very much valued for that @Former-Member. Life is not easy at times - and there are so many reminders (small and large) of why we feel the pain we do - do not ever think that you have an obligation to respond (or even read) what other's have written - the primary focus of being part of this community is to be supported in whatever way you need. I give you not-so-gentle pushes to get that painting done lol (we both understand that it is not meant to make you feel like you have to do it but that is my way of saying I am thinking of you and I care in a different way than others might). Pace yourself and reply to whatever you feel you can handle - no-one can ask anymore or any less of you than that - and more importantly - you cannot ask anymore or any less of yourself than that either.
You are not alone here Lapses - sending you love and hugs tonight