Living with Loneliness

[Glisten]

You legend @tyme I am bad at finding  threads 🧵 Because I’m use to #hashtags. But I’ll adapt.

Is there an app for the Forum?

[JPEG1998]

Hey @cloudcore ,

I am so glad that you put up this post. I am really feeling the effects of loneliness right now and I would be willing to answer the questions provided with as much detail as possible. I think that you will find that I have trailed off a bit here (I blame my undiagnosed ADHD for this), so I do apologise! 

At this current point in my life, loneliness, for me, looks like sitting in my house, all by myself, whilst knowing for a fact that everyone in my life has stable occupations and stable friendships and relationships. I still live at home with my parents and obtain no social life whatsoever. My father is always drinking, gambling, and smoking cannabis as a way to cope with mum and I fighting, which is the lazy alternative to counselling. Ever since I've known her, my mother gets very agitated very easily, especially over nothing. I don't talk to mum and dad about my problems anymore because neither one of them care about them. I am also an only child. 

I rely heavily on a Centrelink benefit (JobSeeker), which is $708.50 a FORTNIGHT; we all know that $708.50 a fortnight is nowhere near enough to live off of. Four years ago now, I had worked for three weeks of my life before walking out on the job, because I was going through some deep s**t at the time with the courts, and there was no way that I could tell management what was going on. It was a real shame, really, because I loved my job at the time and I loved management. But alas, I couldn't persist. I have two close friends, but they both work all the time. So catching up with them both is a challenge. I could of have had another friend, but I honestly feel that he acts like as if he's too good for me (please refer to my first ever post, TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie for more information). 

Truthfully, loneliness has made me suicidal. I honestly feel like that I am not good enough or worthy of being loved. I was picked on relentlessly in mainstream high school solely because of what I look like. I was an A and B student from Year 8 to Year 11, but those grades plummeted to E's and NA's due to the abuse that I faced. The school did absolutely nothing about the trauma that I faced daily; they did not care about it at all. All they cared about was me being a perfectionist and me being the model student to other students in the school, EVEN THOUGH I was never valedictorian or school captain. Then there was netball, something else other than school that I was truly passionate about. This year marked my 21st year of my playing the sport, but I gave it up because I just got sick and tired of netball politics, along with the complete and utter nastiness of some the players in some in the other teams. Playing netball started to become more of a chore than anything else; I grew to hate it. It was just a way of keeping fit at the time. So that was something else that I quit as well. 

But, fast forward many years down the track and I now have found some strategies to manage my loneliness. This includes talk therapy (be it with a counsellor, a family member or a close friend), catching public transport (so that I can be around other people, despite obtaining a full driver's licence), saving money (for a holiday or to get my car fixed - this is my pride a joy). From this point onwards, I have a few goals that I would like to share with you all. I would like to get my Certificate of Education with a really high ATAR, go to University and also get stable work in the meantime. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @JPEG1998 Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

It sounds like you have developed some really positive coping strategies over the years and those are some great goals. It is possible to achieve the things we want. I wish you all the best 💝

[Lila3]

Thanks heaps for sharing so candidly about your struggles.

One of the things that makes mental health struggles harder is poverty. I know only too well how hard it is to live off Centerlink.

I must say, you sound insightful & intelligent. These qualities will serve you well in life. And I guess how we are right now might be temporary, there's always new possibilities around the corner. We just need to hang in there.

I try not to compare myself to others, although occasionally I do fall into this trap.

Having court stuff is really overwhelming & makes you feel uncertain about your future.

I believe the criminal justice system in this country needs an overhaul. Too many people with serious mental health problems end up trapped in the system.

I find animals & yoga practice, as well as reading ( books from the library) keep me sane * relatively speaking lol.

[Rollon]

I am all new to these web help pages, so many pages and replies to explore.

Hard to believe that the feeling of loneliness can last a lifetime.  I have always tried to understand why me, but I deep down know due to my feelings, first year of High school I started to hate myself, the way I looked became unbearable to the state of my sadness, felt like the flat chested gap tooth skinny freak and noticed that boys were never interested in me, yet there were the popular smaller mixed groups were having so much fun I in the mean time started to hide, yeah boys would go around touching your back to see if you had a bra, well I never wore one as there were none that would fit me and yes over the years I was called lemon ****, sparrow **** etc well in the days of the 70's with front covers of big busted women it was overwhelming as I never looked like this and might be hard to believe that I cried for many years.  Then half way through High school moved to another and being a stranger to another school where everyone had their groups of friends led me to even more misery.  That seemed to be the root cause of my loneliness and I would sit in my room every weekend, mum would ask why I am in my room all the time, this was the late 70's.  So loneliness was an unbearable situation.  I had my first child at 18, thank goodness I broke away from an abusive husband. That was the strongest thing I had ever done in my life.  Loneliness was killing me as people at my age were out partying.  I had a child, so all these sequences made me into a sad lonely person, my story over the next 30 something years were horrendous and yes I still suffer loneliness for other human companionship.  In the meantime I love listening to music, I used to walk before Covid and take photos and love listening to live music.  Quit social media two yeas ago as it sort of made me feel more alone, when I get through our family drug crisis issues and speak to a Phycologist I will open my fb  "maybe once again"  I prefer these support groups at the moment.

[Lila3]

I appreciate you sharing your story (parts of it). I'm a kid of the 70s, too.

I was bullied at school & had body image issues. Aged 13, I started getting curvy thighs, hips & butt. I hated it! I wanted to be thin, like the models in magazines.

Self-hatred (spurred by emotional abuse at home) led me to an eating disorder. I found it hard to have stable friendships.

Later, after school, I developed a substance use disorder ( SUD). I've been in recovery for 24 years. I'm proud of working my way out of SUD- It hasn't been easy.


Recently, I escaped a DV relationship, too. I found out my perpetrator ( ex-boyfriend) died by suicide this week. This made me sad, I tried so hard to help him, but he was too violent to be around. I saved myself but couldn't save him.

I relate to lots of what you've shared. I can sense your strength & determination to move forward.


It's so cool that you enjoy walking. Same here! Walking allows me to clear my mind, get sunshine & be in nature.

I believe women need different types of mental health care to men. Men have lots of challenges to deal with ( higher rates of suicide/ use of violence, etc). Women have unique challenges such as caring for children and being victimised by violence (various types). Both genders require tailored & specialist care to meet their needs for treatment & recovery.

[Ilovepenguins]

Hey @Lite,

I know its been a little while since your posts but I wanted to check in on you and see how things are going for you now?

I've been prevented from seeing one of my children because of my ex as well. Some days I feel as though I should have just stayed and put up with him rather than have to feel the grief of not seeing my child every other day. It truly hurts day in and day out. But I hold onto the hope that my child won't be a kid forever and my ex won't have that control forever. And with the day and age of social media and the internet, I know I'll never lose that connection with my child unless I give up my fight to be a part of her life. 

[CiuinAnam]

This thread has been wonderful and intense to read.

Also it is pertinent to life at the moment, so I'll join in.

Loneliness for me is living day to day, so busy and surrounded by humans but without feeling included. I'm in the middle of the family circle, but my "self" is looking in from far outside. This family is for everyone to have a great time and feel valued, but I'm just here cleaning, chauffeuring and supporting everyone else to live their best life. My days are non-stop and my nights are too eventful to feel rested the next day. I've lost myself. But I think I did that a very long time ago, long before I started my family. I've had small glimpses of social inclusion over the years, but it never lasts. I have a long list of psychiatric illnesses and trauma has led me not to trust anyone enough to let them in. I attend a weekly support group but I can't even speak. That's why I'm here, in this forum. I can type... and at this stage it is the best I can do to reach out to others.
My wellbeing is massively impacted by this. I feel like in the past it didn't irritate me as much. I could have nights to myself without any issue and without feeling alone. But now I ache to spend all of my free time with my partner. That isn't fair on him, he isn't required to fill the gaps for me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I can care for them, but I barely know how to care for myself. I'm lucky to shower or do any self care outside of the bare minimum if I'm bothered to remember. If I had someone to engage with then I'd probably care a little more. But when I do try to engage it feels fake, like I'm a bother, like no one will understand my past or my present. All of those facts aside, I actually just want to get to know someone. I want to know someone else's past and present and be a part of their future too. Why can't I believe someone else might want the same from me?
I believe I have SAD, though it hasn't officially been covered. The change of seasons is nothing short of magic to my moods and I feel like there is hope once again. The loneliness is worse towards the middle to end of any season. The loneliness is stronger daily at night, once I have some free time to myself. Or worse when I see those around me engaging with others and knowing that I just... can't. 
To manage? I just keep trying. One personal trait that I am proud of is my persistence... and maybe stubbornness. It doesn't mean it gets me anywhere though.
I wish I had some tips. I'm still looking for those myself. 

[Salvia]

Hi @JPEG1998 

Thank you for sharing your journey. At first i felt the hopelessness of  your situation between the lines, it reminded me of all the times I was overwhelmed with the conclusion that i'm "never good enough no matter how hard I try" And how loneliness triggers suicidal thoughts - the emotional pain of it i guess. Its crushing. But... then you listed strategies you put in place to take your  power back. Things I can use to help me - Thank you. I hadn't thought of taking public transport for company, that's a great idea! I do visit coffee shops for that sense of community often. 

I believe MH stigma causes a great deal of loneliness (nothing's been the  same since the 'Breakdown' and long stay in a 'mental' hospital in my 20's. Everyone scatters, & talks of it among themselves rather than to your  face (I sure could of done with knowing people were crushed that i nearly died),... nope, they'd rather talk to each other and leave you out more, they just Don't get it, can't 'face' it, face us, don't know how to I guess, or maybe the just think 'why bother' Oh the 'shame' of it all... Or could  it be the fear that giving-an-inch to others in trouble just might blow-out to a mile, and disrupt one's life routine and comfort... Self preservation I suppose. And maybe we're all guilty of this, on one level or another, with our defenses (sometimes warranted), and our 'business' and our obligation to 'self care'... Hard on both sides of the fence it seems.

I'm sorry to have been such a disruption, disappointment, inconvenience & shame when I 'lost-the-plot' back then, especially to everyone that mattered to me. I didn't intend to hurt anyone like it did.

What's the answer? at a society / community level? I honestly don't  know, accept a little more tollerence perhaps, less hiding, daily acts of kindness maybe...

Anyway, just thinking, feeling pretty lonely here tonight 🌻 

[JPEG1998]

Hey @Lila3 ,

You are most welcome! And, Thank You so much for your response. 

I guess the only good thing that I can think of whilst earning an income from Centrelink is the fact that. live at home still (I am 25 years of age). I hate the stigma that surrounds people who are Job Seeker recipients - lazy, and the kind of people who spend their money on drugs, alcohol and tattoos. That is most certainly not the case with myself, for example. I have to pay board (I have decided that my board money is going to be used to help my mum pay off her credit card), and I have to put money aside for my car (regardless of whether it's for petrol, car registration or a service). I like to have a full tank of petrol in my car, and given the price of petrol in our country at the moment, I spend fair bit (which lasts me a who fortnight). Then, there is grocery shopping that I have to do. And this is something that I like to do independently of my mum in particular. And finally, I like to put money aside for leisure. That's generally for holidaying with either my parents or grandmother or best friend! Despite this, I cannot help but feel indolent. I guess what I need to keep reminding myself is that, yes, I am a) very good with money, and b) more active nowadays when it comes to looking for work (despite having multiple medical exemptions in place since early 2020).