The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

[Sans911]

There you are then @outlander

Nothing more to worry about now. You take your caring role and responsibilities very seriously lil Sis. Unfortunately hun, we can't control everything, so we just have to trust, wait and hope that some things will be in our favour.

[outlander]

Yeah iknow. At least my house smells nice i just dettolled literally everything @Sans911 pop mustve thought i was going crazy lol

Anyway how are you?

[Teej]

That’s good news @outlander. Breathe again 🤗💜

[Sans911]

Evening @Teej

No, my childhood was mostly shite. But my brother and sister had far more instability than me. At least I went to the same primary school and high school. My mother moved a lot. Whenever things were difficult or something upset her, she packed up and left. She's still like that now at 70! She just can't settle.

I was placed in a children's home before I was two Teej. Mum used to remove me when she felt guilty for placing me there. Then when I got too hard to 'manage' I would be return. I was a state ward at the age of 7. I spent 3years in foster care with a lovely family before their marriage broke down, and was then returned to the care home where I stayed unii was seventeen.

I'm a bit miserable tonight @Teej

Not liking myself very much right now. I went to a course today, and nobody sat at my table or spoke to me at lunch time. Sometimes I feel so very alone and lonely. And ugly.

@outlander

[Teej]

that sounds like it was so very turbulent @Sans911 😢. Thank you for sharing. I know you don’t want pity for your childhood but I sit here with empathy. I don’t have those experiences to draw from but I have a big enough understanding to know some of how your childhood experiences have had a huge impact on your life. 

I’m so sorry about today. Those kind of things amplify the messages in our brain. I’m sitting here trying to find that magic thing to say to lighten your load. I’m sitting here with you is all I’ve come up with. I was struggling with that when I was volunteering too. I felt like an alien at break times. It was part of the reason I ran and stopped. I think you are much braver than me with this stuff. 💜🤗

[outlander]

Oh that is rough @Sans911 big hugs my sis. I think your beautiful inside and out. I dont even need to see you to know that. It shines through your words in your posts ❤❤

[Sans911]

There's so much of my childhood that permeates me to this day. I know people say leave the past behind, reframe your thinking, but how do you do that when your past is what shaped you, what defined you as an adult, what influenced as an adult in every thought, decision and moment? Sometimes I wonder if I ever have enough capacity to change so that my life is a bit more peaceful and enjoyable. Days like today I seriously doubt it. And if that's the case, spending up to another 40 years in this body and mind is not worth it.

The volunteering comes with rewards, but also hazards. Sometimes it can feel good and beneficial: other times it can be a mill stone.

But thank you for just being sweet you @Teej

and not invalidating me. It is appreciated. Just sitting here with me is enough. And possibly ignore this drivel I write. I'm just being a sad sack.

[BlueBay]

@Sans911

❤️❤️

You are a beautiful person. You are kind and caring. I'm sorry to read what you went through as a child. But you are strong and I believe in you. 

BB xxoo

[Sans911]

Thanks @BlueBay

I feel very weak today. Being strong all the time is exhausting. Pretending I'm perfectly OK is exhausting.

My past is my past. Its so complex even I can't make sense of it.

[Teej]

I worry about the changes I need to make to be ok with me too @Sans911. My therapist says much of my twisted brain stuff happened before I could speak. I understand how hard it is to try to reframe things. I have huge issues of identity. I’ve been so over focussed on them I think for the past few years. 

And your our allowed to feel a sad sack. I looked up the rule book and it said it’s ok 😘. 

How are you feeling about tomorrow? Will you be ok?