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06-07-2018 05:23 PM
06-07-2018 05:23 PM
Hi lil Sis @outlander . Mostly been busy today with doing my tax return, and a lot of volunteer stuff again (never ending!!). I have a headache again, which is becoming a daily annoyance. It's really cold here, so I am still in bed as it's the warmest place to be.
The conversation with my mother was really weird. Initially she was really angry, told me that I preferred my fostered family over her, and then she kinda turned niceish. She can't understand why I have had depression so long, why I share with my foster sister, not her (not entirely true), and few other things. So it went from me saying if you don't want to stay in touch fine to her asking if I was ok to see her in September. I said that was ok. I am perplexed by the whole conversation still.
I wiped myself out deliberately early last night, it was just easier to do that. Days are so long & boring. And it's coming up to anniversary time when I was barred from working. Plus in a few short months I will lose my other cruise ship job forever. That is a massive crushing blow. I don't know if I can deal with that. Lots of stuff going on my head, but I am trying to numb it out, not think about it.
06-07-2018 05:47 PM
06-07-2018 05:47 PM
06-07-2018 06:11 PM
06-07-2018 06:11 PM
I'm glad you understand that's how I work & that it's not a personal reflection or you or anyone else in the forums @outlander
I can't even sort out my own thoughts and feelings, so talking about them isn't easy either. I'm grateful that at the moment you've got @Zoe7giving you support because I feel bad for not being there for you.
My mother only knows I have depression from a breakdown and nothing else. I don't want her to know I have BPD. She'll blame herself if she looked up information about it, and get all upset. I don't want that on my plate as well. My foster sister doesn't know how many hospital admissions I've had, nor the SH episodes. Sometimes I've told her I'm in hospital for other reasons. My foster sister is under the illusion that nothing is too difficult to fix.
No, don't want to talk about the cruise ship job except to say it was a 20year dream, and I feel totally crushed.
The first anniversary is being barred from work last year. Its coming up in a few weeks. Despite my poor memory this one thing I remember clearly, and it was a humiliating and distressing time due to certain things happening.
06-07-2018 06:23 PM
06-07-2018 06:23 PM
06-07-2018 06:31 PM
06-07-2018 06:32 PM
06-07-2018 06:32 PM
Hi @outlander.
just quietly reading in the background, thought I’d like so you knew I was here. Haven’t got much to say except I’m thinking of you both. 💜🤗
06-07-2018 06:33 PM
06-07-2018 06:33 PM
Sorry if that didn’t make much sense. My brain is fried.
06-07-2018 06:37 PM
06-07-2018 06:37 PM
06-07-2018 06:42 PM
06-07-2018 06:42 PM
Sorry @Sans911. Meant to say hi to you too 👋
06-07-2018 07:09 PM
06-07-2018 07:09 PM
Don't be sorry @Teej
Thanks for saying hi. Hi back to you. I know I haven't been very present the last few days.
Not getting notifications. I've got to feed cats and I'll be back
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