The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

[Sans911]

I'm more than happy for you to be accountable to me. I actually used to do the same thing to others here on the forum.

Is there a way you can talk about things with me that might be acceptable for you that doesn't trigger others? Seems like talking it out might be helpful for you.

@Teej

[Sans911]

Umm, I just have to be careful @Teej so I don't break guidelines.

Partly because it didn't work so well after a while, I got 'discovered' a few times.

There's other reasons that I can't describe here @Teej

But I have very true manipulative behaviours typical of a borderline. I'm not always proud of the things I've done, but in the moment I didn't give it a second thought.

[Sans911]

Psst @Teej

F & H is still up, but she's sitting back watching with interest me thinks

[Teej]

I started to write it down but I don’t think it will be helpful @Sans911 as it’s just going bring it all up again. I have just had so many changes that I’ve been trying to cope with and the last few days I crashed under the weight of them. I was trying so hard to be resilient and accept change but it’s been too much too close together. Under the weight of everything I realised that if I went this weekend it was the best time I could as far as having the least impact on my family if that makes sense. Logically this is a good time. I’m so scared of the future. 

[Teej]

Thank you so much for your honesty @Sans911. You know I think about the manipulation stuff sometimes and get so paranoid over it. For me it’s hard because it works so well. I do get complete peace. I’m not sure if you read my struggle thread today but I’m pushing it further again. I have little recollection of last night. When it stops working I up it 😨. 

[Teej]

And yes @Faith-and-Hope. I see you coming 😘. It’s ok to join in if you want. Ok to just read along too. Whatever suits you. 

[Sans911]

Do you really want to end your life @Teej

or is it a matter of ending the pain?

Is there any thing you can think of doing to deal with this pain that's not self destructive?

How hard would it be to sit with this pain if I sat through it with you?

I would miss you if you weren't around @Teej

[Teej]

You know what @Sans911. I think it’s just fear. Apart from being an abject failure I don’t have anything much to feel pain over. Maybe the pain comes from being a complete waste of space. 

I will be ok. I’ll get through. I failed tonight to get through without turning it off. I had a drink before and took a couple. I knew it wasn’t possible to get through without self medicating yet. I’m ok. I am accountable to you and others. It kind of sucks when the biggest way to stay on this planet is to be accountable to others. 

Thank you for talking with me. 

Can you tell me honestly if this has affected you. I don’t want to do that. 

[Sans911]

I'm not at all affected @Teej

But I'm concerned about and for you.

Are you just telling yourself you'll be ok, because I really don't think you are.

What do you think you fear? And although I believe I'm a failure too there is a small bean in my brain that says it's not always been that way.

It sounds like right now you're being pretty harsh on yourself.

[Teej]

I’ve never not been a failure @Sans911. I’ve self sabotaged my whole life. Pretty much I think I’m afraid of living. I think I’m the biggest wuss on this planet. I run away at the smallest stuff. I am completely gutless and hopeless and useless. Please don’t debate this though. It won’t help. I know it won’t help until I believe differently. 

I am so scared of hurting you and others on the forum at the moment. I feel jinxed that if people 

care or engage with me they’ll get hurt. It feels like everyone who comes into contact with me ends up hurt. I really don’t want to hurt you ever. Sorry if this is all nuts.