The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

[outlander]

Travel safe @Sans911 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hope it’s been a better day for you @Sans911 ..... chuffed that you dropped in to see us on your way home 🤗💕

[Sans911]

@Faith-and-Hope

Didn't you know that were sitting opposite me also enjoying a coffee and sneaking peices of my apple pie?!

@outlander

I'm home now lil Sis

[Faith-and-Hope]

🤗💕 @Sans911 ....

[Teej]

Ahh @Sans911 it was you who had my coffee and cake today 😜. I missed out. Couldn’t find a park near the coffee shop and gave up. 

It was nice to get that message on your way home. How was today? 

[Sans911]

@Teej

Aww, I'm sorry. But it was really tasty 🙃

Today was okish, but hard too. My memory really has abandoned me, as people I've known my whole life, and whom I've seen in the last few years, their names completely escaped me. And I was too embarrassed to say their name in case I got it wrong. I did know some people of course, and had no trouble with them. My foster mother was there, so it was good to see her again (it wasn't that long since I last saw her, as she lives in the same town as my foster sister). My foster sister and her husband had gastro, so they didn't come. Her adult children were there. They also live in the city, but quite a way from me, so I don't see them much. Their incredibly busy with work, sport and social life.

And whenever I drive long distances, my mind plays nasty suicidal games with me. It taunts me to do things all the way there and back. I have to disassociate a little to get through it. Which it isn't ideal.

But I'm home, the thoughts are gone, and Mr A, my grey cat, is asleep at my feet with paws wrapped around me, so I'm alright again.

How was your Sunday, and what did you get up to? How are you feeling today?

[Teej]

I’m glad you got through today okayish @Sans911. I think that would have been hell for me. I have a fail in family at the moment although I’m trying to pick up the pieces more now. 

I smiled when you wrote about the drive because I knew that pretty well too. I used to have spots marked out. One I called the whomping tree (Harry Potter reference but darker). The smile came as I realised that that part is going for me now. I think it lived with me for about 4 years the suicide ideation whilst driving. I would also be impulsive at times. I’m letting you know so that you can see it won’t be like this forever. 

I’m learning that my SI is narrowing down and it’s worst at night like many of us. Most nights it enters my brain still even if I’ve had an ok day. Some days it has a bigger hold than others. 

I had an ok day day with my mum. We went to an art gallery, ironically to see a family members exhibition....maybe I am more connected to family 🤔. 

Ive come home and life is very chilled here tonight. My son has been chatty which has been nice, it wasn’t that long ago that we only had grunting one word language 😄. 

So so good that cats are curled up with you for cuddles. 

💜🤗

[Sans911]

My extended foster family are really lovely people, mostly country folk, and they're incredibly kind to me, as they've known me so long. They known almost nothing about what's been going for me, so I try to be engaged as much as I can with them.

I think my drive there and back was more hellish. Whomping tree? That's an interesting one. I haven't seen much of Harry Potter, hence I've not heard of it.

Yes, my SI is less than this time last year, and nights and weekends are my worst. I worry with the SI though that it will pull me back down enough to do something, and if I miscalculate, or do things differently, I won't survive.

Good to hear you have an ok day with your mother and son. Those must be nice things to treasure. A chilled out night sounds lovely. Much the same here with the furry ones.

[Teej]

@Sans911 I realised I’m not so sure about how I feel if I attempt again. I’m not as impulsive as I was but I think I’m maybe more sincere about doing it. I’ve mostly played Russian roulette with the thought of if my times up it is. Please read just now I don’t have that constant drive but I know something will trip it again at some stage. I just looked up and it’s pretty shameful but I counted 42 hospital trips since 2013 for SH/attempts and respite. 2015 was my worst year with the biggest and most attempts although I think I’ve had other years I just couldn’t shake living in SI more but with less hospital trips. 

This week I am feeling like I am starting to get more control over it. I know my attitude is changing a bit and I’ve had lots of reflection time over the last month. I don’t know what my future holds but I’m less panicked about the future and what I’m feeling. It might coincide with an increase in my antidepressant too. I’ve survived two things this year I was convinced I couldn’t and I think it’s actually helped with just a tiny bit of resilience. 🤞

Im so glad you’ve had people who’ve been caring and kind in your life and glad you are still a part of them. Thank you for sharing this stuff with me. 💜🤗

[Sans911]

@Teej

Don't be ashamed of your suicide attempts. It was a time you were trying to be incredibly strong and you couldn't maintain that anymore. I look at my SI/SH and SA as my last coping strategies when nothing else worked, and I was out of options. So I either felt the need to completely shut down or take me out of the struggle.

You're so good at understanding situations, feelings and the like. The first half of your first paragraph is pretty much me as well. I'm really enjoying sharing my stories and feelings with you.