The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

[Sans911]

I'm glad you're going to be honest with your pdoc about your SI/SH. What can they say? I've told my pyschologist about my recent SH/SI and at least she was honest to say she didn't know what could be done to make it better or go away. She expressed concern that I would reach that level, asked me to reach out for help, but really, like you and I know, we get the same patter pretty much all the time. And sometimes it helps; other times it's merely tokenistic. I know that everytime I SH I am possibly playing Russian roulette, and if I attempt again, it may not be a good outcome. I hate this part of my MI, but I can't make it go away either. I gather its the same for you.

[Snowie]

I don't think my pdoc will say much. He is used to me telling him and used to him asking me to reach out for help and use my safety plan before I do anything. I struggle to ask for help and when I do, I get told the same things. I am not sure if it helps, or just delays what I am going to do to myself.

I'd like to think that I would reach out on here before I did anything, but even that is hard at times. Not wanting to burden anyone is a big "lets not get help" card for me, and I am guessing it is similar for you too.

All I can say is I am here for you hun when things are good, okish and bad and please reach out for help if/when you can. 

Yes it is the same for me, I hate doing this to myself but struggle to get any control over it, and if I do get that control, it never seems to last.

@Sans911

[Sans911]

I think much of reaching out for help hinges on who's at the end of the phone and their response to you. Lately I've noticed they're in a huge hurry to get you off the phone so they can help someone else. While I never want anyone else to be struggling like we do, and possibly take their life because help wasn't immediate, they can either make or break my decisions of what comes next. And unfortunately, I turn to them less and less, thinking that others have it much worse. I really fail sometimes to see how serious my situation is, but I do worry that perhaps I might not last longer than this year, and that scares me.

And yes I struggle to reach out here, particularly when we all have high SI. It's perhaps the exact time we really ought to support and prop each other up.

I thought this year I had control of my SI/SH but it returns at the most inappropriate times and I often can't bring it under control enough to stop at least some moderate damage. This is what's stopping me returning to work in most hospitals as when I'm criticised, invalidated or suffer some other slight, my SI impulses won't stop me taking something that I know I shouldn't.

@Snowie

[Snowie]

Sorry, had to feed the kids!

"I turn to them less and less, thinking that others have it much worse" gee @Sans911 took the words right out of my mouth. 

It scares me at times, but I don't think as much as you. I know you have come close in the past and I don't want that for you again. But I do know that the control we have can be non exsistent at times and that part scares me. 

Whilst I know our methods of self harm differ and we might sh for different reasons, I guess the outcome could be the same in the end. Not that I want that for either of us. I want both of us to be able to move forward in life and both be able to get back to some sort of work 

[Appleblossom]

 @Snowie @Sans911

Delay Delay Delay ... wos wot got me through 

It took a lot of time.

and I did not talk about it a lot.

Just struggled in my deepest heart.

But NOW the terrain has changed and I look around and I am glad that I did not go.

I have the feeling I will never be able to control it ... but aiming to outlive it .....

I care for you both

Apple

[Sans911]

I like the thought of 'out living it' @Appleblossom. That sounds achievable. But I'm sorry too that you've had to deal with that.

[Snowie]

@AppleblossomI am glad your terrain has changed  It is what we can all aim for. 

[Sans911]

I desperately want to move ve forward in life @Snowie and create some sort of new, recreated life. But at the same time, I despair of what that life looks like for me. To go from having goals and direction to keep moving to having very little idea is frustrating. Frustration, lack of identity and purpose are what fans the flame of the SI. I would say that I need to have some sort of goal other than 'staying alive' to keep me going. And my pyschologist doesn't know at times what to do with me or how to help. She's very concerned that with each attempt brings me much closer to an end point of no return. I don't want to hurt people or devastate them, but they aren't living with what I have to live through day in, day out. That's the difference.

[Snowie]

You are right hun, we don't have to live your life nor do we have to go through it day in day out. I guess it is up to ourselves to try and makes those goals other than 'staying alive'. Which in itself is hard, frustrating and comes with so many road blocks along the way. 

I know the last thing you want to do is hurt people 

[Appleblossom]

The reality that people have felt strongly about SI impressed me from my late teens.  I did not judge. It was too real. I had to take it seriously.  No one can really fully know another person's struggles, so I still try and keep open minded.  I did not think about it for myself til another 10 years passed. I was consumed by SI for about 20 years, and have gradually come out of it.

Dear @Sans911 & @Snowie

DId not mean to butt in on your conversation or imply any judgement.

I just hope that some aspects of my very crazy life can offer a shred of hope to others.