I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

[outlander]

yes sis, you stay alive. i need you @Sans911 and you mean the world to me. you both do   you have the same fears as me. once i get a plan its like i have to act on them. i want to be alive but i questions its worth. i live for the day sane organised a meetup for members. 

the problem with us leaving is it creates a ripple effect on everyone around us. that is what is keep me alive beside you guys here. 

so yes sis, you stay here with us in our cosy little safe place, jsut as im trying so very hard to do. and i know @Former-Member is too

[Sans911]

@outlander @Former-Member I know hun about that ripple effect and it's hit me harder than ever this week as I realise the enormity of what my actions would do to others, including members here. It helps me to keep going when you both can. 💜 💙

[outlander]

youve held that one in for a few days havent you @Sans911

[Former-Member]

@Sans911

I understand so much that terrifying feeling of when it is all going to fall apart.

The saying goes "a contract isn't worth the paper it is written on" now I know you haven't written it down, BUT is CAN BE BROKEN. 

You matter so much in this world, you are so important and you will be so missed. You keep fighting with everything you have because that is what I am doing. I hate the pain I am going through, but I am going to try with every last inch of me not to put that pain onto you and @outlander and my family. Because that is all that is keeping me going.

So lets fight together. Yes we might have some setbacks, there will be days where we want to give into that pain, but that is where we can support each other to get through that darkness and see the light.

You both matter so much to be, I love you both like sisters 

[outlander]

well said @Former-Member i like that plan

'lets fight together like sisters do'

@Sans911 

[Sans911]

@outlander you are getting to know me almost better than myself. 😐 Yes and no. I spilled a lot (and left a lot out) to my counsellor last week. I saw her look of despair and concern in her eyes/face. But others in my rl would be so devastated too, and how could I put them through that? No one here in the forums would know if I had gone either; you would not be told. Making a commitment to CG was a bit of a bargaining chip to give me some focus. It came with enormous amounts of responsibility on my part which I feel I haven't lived up to. But actually you, @Former-Member and a number of other members mean a great deal to me. More than expected that to happen. Each day is a fight for all of us, each day brings pain. But each day we hold on to that special place we know we will get to, bit by little bit, and together. Here come the leaky tears again!

[outlander]

@Sans911 the power of sister hood ❤
And we would know. You coulnt just dissapear without a trace. Very unlike you.
We love and care for you here. I didnt tell my psychiatrist how bad ive been not after she started her stunt again at the start of the session. But no your right. It would devastate others.
I care for lots of others too, i came here expecting a bit of help and here i sit with my 2 sisters and my forum family and i never thought o would say that.
I have a dedicated rose to hear which ive had sent away to see if i can get it on a canvas if that doeant work keep getting bigger and bigger size photos till at least an a4 to put in a frame.

But we will be here fighting this battle and together we will stand


And we are going to have to call a plumber to fix that leak 😉

[Sans911]

@outlander @Former-Member 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[Former-Member]

@Sans911my eyes are leaking too but I am going to blame the onions I cut up yesterday!!

You have lived up to your CG title. I don't think you realise, but you had that title long before SANE gave it to you. DO you realise that you were the first person to comment on my thread and welcome me here and that was before your CG title?

I never came on here thinking I would make the connections I have. It has taken me completly by surprise. When I am at that stage and pushing the limits, I think of my family and you and @outlander and try to survive for you all. 

We will do this together 

[Sans911]

@Former-Member you haven't been able to get a word until now have you? Lol

My memory has really suffered in the last year or more. So I don't remember that I was the first to comment on your thread. I should go back and take a look.

Thank you for your words; right now and for a long time, I have trusted you, @outlander and others when I don't give trust easily. I've believed your words, even though it was hard to accept them. And yes, we will do this together.

Btw- a little story about me & it's similar to our special place. I lived in NSW more than 10years years ago. So for my 3 7th Birthday, I hired a BMW Z4 convertible. I drove my mother & I down to the south coast for a few days. We stayed in a lovely B & B, and lived it up a little. I played a little prank on my mother by turning on the seat warmers for the leather seats. Had here fooled for about 20mins as she thought there was a problem with the car over-heating. I nearly wet myself trying get to keep a straight face. I finally told her; lucky she saw the funny side.

So I firmly believe in creating special moments & places with special people. It's what makes life worth living.