I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

Thank you for being here. My brain is just in total scrambled mode I think. I hate that all of this has happened and speaking about it like that shakes me up. The worry about them finding out, is a whatever worry. I did it so they could see that this program has failed us and will hopefully take that on board. Nothing can change what's happened, but maybe voicing it can make a teeny bit of difference to what might happen one day.

I'm going to get that coffee and sit in the sun for a bit hoping things settle just a little bit soon. I did the hardest thing I had on my to do list this week and I survived, even if I'm feeling shattered right now.

Thanks again. The safe landing spot helps.

[Shaz51]

I'm going to get that coffee and sit in the sun for a bit , good idea @CheerBear, i will join you xoxo

[Faith-and-Hope]

Me too @CheerBear @Mazarita .....

Hugs n hugs ....., 💜💐💕

[Mazarita]

Hi @CheerBear, just checking in to see how are you are going. I'm still in my big fluffy dressing gown, sleeping on and off with my lurgy and chest infection. Woke up again just now thinking of you. Hope your emotions have settled somewhat. I love it when you said you had done the hardest thing on your list and survived. You rock, sister. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I am super glad you have survived your biggest challenge of the week, even though it sounds like it was super hard work. Good thing you have been practicing being a warrior - it sounds like you were a super warrior today!

CheerBear...I am in a super super super dark space...as in I've been on the phone to the helpline three times since my session with (A) yesterday and yet still my world keeps getting darker. The latest brain snap explosion happened after I "reached out" to (A) for help a couple of hours ago. She responded to my emailed request for help by saying we could have another session tomorrow or Friday. Something about that makes me feel sick. The message I hear from (A) is "I get paid even when I cause harm to you during a session and hey, if you want help dealing with the harm I caused, I need to get paid more money." I feel dirty, disgusting and worthless. I am not worth one second of her time that she doesn't get paid for. It makes me feel so so so SO yuck.

I feel utterly trapped and hopeless and when I got (A)'s email I came about half a millimetre away from calling it quits. I don't know what to do anymore. I had to turn down a tutoring gig because my brain is so fried. Even the bit of my brain that normally works isn't working right now. I'm going backwards at an amazing rate. I want to die, CheerBear. I know that is intense, but it is simply where I am at right now. I don't know how to keep trying anymore. I feel so totally and utterly worthless. There simply isn't any help out there for me. I can't find it. I can't find a way forward and I am going backwards. I want to die. I have nothing in the world to live for. I feel flooded with the feelings of worthlessness. (A) tells me she cares about me...and yet she refuses to speak to me without getting paid for it...even when she is the one that caused the distress. How is that care? How does that make sense? I have totally sunken into despair and I don't know how to get out, CheerBear. I feel super super super scared.

Thank you for listening.

[CheerBear]

@Mazarita - it's been a really hard one today, but I'm ok (not ok but ok) enough now thanks. The sunshine and a teary phone call helped me feel a bit more calm and able to be ok with not being so ok this afternoon. I hope your rest day has been helpful for you, your dressing gown has been snuggly, and that the sick passes as quickly as it came on 💛

@Phoenix_Rising - I am so sorry to hear things are as dark as they are. I am listening and caring a lot. I can definitely understand how it feels A doesn't care and isn't able to help. Because it's been such a shaky day here, I'm doing something fun with the LF and taking them out for sundaes (which is throwing puffer fish off because it's on Wednesday) soon. Would you like to come too? I know sundaes won't fix anything, but they surely can't hurt, can they? Unless we eat them too quickly and get a brain freeze I suppose, but even then maybe brain freeze pain will be a nice change from scrambled, fried and mashed brain pain. Thank you for trusting me earlier and for being so open and real now, even when it is intense. I have a bucketload of respect and care for you.

Thanks for the nest company today, for those who have been with me. I seriously appreciate it.

[Shaz51]

@CheerBear

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I would super like to come for sundaes. I will have a chocolate one - obviously. I love that puffer fish is unsure about having a sundae on a Wednesday. 😆

[CheerBear]

One chocolate sundae coming right up @Phoenix_Rising. Hope you enjoy it 🙂

Puffer fish just couldn't get past the Wednesday sundae thing today and went for a hot chocolate instead 😉

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBearA chocolate sundae that is taller than me is definitely what I need right now! (A) emailed again and reignighted the fire. This wave is really really really tough, CheerBear. I'm so tired of trying to take baby steps to heal my brain, only to see my efforts smashed. I know you understand. I know you experience this too. I know we both seem to have a remarkable talent for getting flattened by unexpected bulldozers.

Well...nothing is going to happen around here tonight except treeing, warrioring and staying alive-ing. The day is marching on. I had better go and be a warrior so that I can report in that I've done so. I'm super glad we have lots of forumites joining our adventure. I know if I didn't have that source of motivation, I would never stay committed to doing this every day. I will see you on our yoga thread.

Ps. Tell puffer fish that EVERY day is sundae!!!!!