I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

I have been hit by a mega massive wave this morning.

The short version is that the heater, which has been dodgy and ignored by the house owner, had a flip out and cut the power to half the house today. I called my housing worker to let her know, but asked that a maintenance request not get lodged because I know the owner is sick of the maintenance issues in the house and I really need a good period of rest from dealing with the fear of an angry landlord who lives around the corner and the feeling of the threat that our house will be taken from us because I'm an annoying tenant who asks for basic things like ovens, heater, hot water etc to work. My housing worker called me back and told me she'd spoken to the real estate, who spoke to the landlord, and that somehow the landlord had gotten her number and called her. And that yes the land lord is very 'pissed off'. They're actually so pissed off that they're saying that I am breaking the appliances in the house and that they won't offering anymore houses to people in my situation, and that they absolutely will not be fixing anything at all because I am to blame. Unfortunately, for someone in my situation with my too recent history, hearing that I have made a man, who lives way too close, who has my number and who has shown before that they're happy to randomly rock up to the house without notice, really 'pissed off', sends me into a complete frenzied freak out the world is ending, my life is crashing down around me, nowhere is safe, I can't live without secure safe stable housing, life will never be ok, things will never get better, it's all too hard, run away now and run very very fast, give up and stop trying, mode.

I shook a lot. I had a panic attack and felt like I couldn't breathe. I had visions of angry men retaliating and me feeling their anger. I melted down and the whole world spun around. I clung on to the lounge to stop myself from packing a bag, getting the kids and driving very far away. I called my mh worker and we breathed long deep breaths. I stopped being flooded with total complete fear and panic. And now I'm sitting still on my beanbag and am flooded with complete exhaustion and devastation that I know, I really really know, that there is no way I can attempt to recover or rebuild, without a stable secure safe housing. And I don't have that and can't have it until I move from here and potentially shatter our lives once again.

This is the destruction that follows the destruction of what we've been through. It's the continual cycle of chaos that follows people like me around. And it could be what happens for the rest of forever. It's the trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma, that no amount of coping skills or strategies, no amount of talk therapy, or goal setting, or getting back to the basics, will put an end to. I want to say I am done now. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want 'not-real but feels very real' fears to haunt me. And I definitely do not want 'feels real and are very real', fears to need to think of.

I can't do anything more that sit here until this wave has passed and my logical sensible brain kicks in again. I'm very sad right now.

[Former-Member]

I'm so sorry that has happened @CheerBear. I'm not much help today but sitting in your nest with you hoping that the wave passes soon but feeling angry for you that this is a wave you should never have to ride. 

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Former-Member for sitting in the nest with me and for knowing that this is a wave that I should never have had to ride. Hearing those things helps.

[Former-Member]

You know what @CheerBear. Most of the waves you ride you should never have had to ride 😔. This is just maddening that some ****** has no grip and is just being an arse! I'm hoping the agent takes it up and tell him his landlord rights keeping you out of the drama that is not yours. Please remind yourself this hasn't anything to do with you, it has everything to do some grotty excuse of a human being not being able to fulfill their commitments as a landlord. My rant for you over. I hope it doesn't make you feel worse. 💜🤗💐

[Former-Member]

So so so sorry @CheerBear. Waaaaay to emotional and not very helpful. I hope you get through this storm soon. 💜🤗💐

PS no response required as it's an apology. 😘

[CheerBear]

Hey @Former-Member - remember when we decided that apologies to each other weren't necessary? 😛 I'm super emotional too, so I'm totally appreciative that someone emotional is sitting with me (honestly I am!).

I wrote a massive rant (not directed at you or in response to your rant) and might post it or maybe not. It was helpful to get it out though. This whole thing is just super massively epically sucky.

You know what? I just had a smile reading that last post of yours. I have a vision of us sitting together in a real nest. Both with big ugly snotty tears and lots of tissues. Not really being able to fix any of each other's stuff but being messy and emotional and real, and that helping in a way.

I'm so frustrated right now and feeling so crashed and banged about. This is absolutely text book ptsd I think. Trigger. Flashbacks. Re-experiencing. Arousal. Hypervigilance. I can see that and I could see it all unfolding but seeing it wasn't enough to stop it. I stopped at 'avoidance' though, when I decided to tell the housing worker about the heater. I also stopped after the cycle that followed the trigger when I didn't pack up my bags and run. Right now I am choosing to break this cycle further by stopping at 'numbing' because that's my next usual go-to. And instead of numbing, I am allowing myself to be emotional and to feel all the feels.

So it helps to have emotional in the nest right now. I hope it doesn't hurt you or make it worse for you though 💗

[Former-Member]

Thanks @CheerBear 😊

You caught me in a complete self hate, self loathing, self destructing cycle. I think your post reminded me that I was in the middle of my storm too which is very different but none the less unhelpful and very destructive. Emotions were very heightened.

Awesome job to avoid old coping strategies 😊👍🤜. I think I was heading to my unhealthy coping strategies when I read your post. I think you just helped me to stop mine in my tracks too. You know you're so on the right track. You've got this! It sucks but your kicking its butt a little more each time.

loads of hugs and appreciation for how well you're doing in really tricky situations. Please forgive my English, running on emotion mind completely......and oh English isn't my strong point either :face_with_rolling_eyes:

💜🤗💐

[CheerBear]

Awesome job to you too on stopping your cycle in it's tracks @Former-Member.

I know we can't change or prevent external triggering events from happening, and I know that I find it very hard (as in impossible) to reduce the intensity of huge emotions when they happen. It's like a switch that gets turned on that I can not turn off. But maybe what I can do is what I try to teach the little fish, and that is to direct it on to a path that is more helpful for me than where I usually direct it (which is kind of inwards and round and round and round). I'm going to spend the next hour and a half crocheting. Not looking at how many stitches I've made on this blanket, or how (annoyingly) many stitches there are to go. But just looking at each little stitch as I make it, and trying to let myself just be.

I have made my last coffee for the day and put the coffee away in a cupboard, like they do at this time of the day at the break place, and like I've done every day since I left. This little change has helped me a lot so I plan to stick to this one. I have also made and eaten a bowl of creamy porridge sprinkled in brown sugar, because I need to remember that eating is another important way I am breaking this cycle (and because porridge is absolutely delicious!).

I also grabbed my relapse prevention plan that was made with my input, my mh worker's inout and my break place worker's input. My mh worker prompted me to get it and run through it while I was flipping out and it really did help me. I think I'm going to laminate it and stick it somewhere I can see it all the time.

Maybe with time it will get easier for us both to recognise these cycles and stop them in their tracks. That's my hope for us too. We've got this.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear my brain is so puddled right now I can't even read your posts properly. But I processed enough to know you are flooded with big scared feelings. We are both riding a wave AND both snuggled in a nest. Alone but together. Knowing we need to just ride it out. I super love having a not friend.

[CheerBear]

I'm sorry to hear your brain is puddled right now too. Thank you for being my not-friend @Phoenix_Rising and another person to sit with in the nest and ride out big waves with. I super love having you here but not.