I'm in a nest

[Phoenix_Rising]

How are you feeling now @CheerBear? It sounds like you have had a super challenging day. Giggle - for some reason, just as I wrote that, the thought crossed my mind that that is the sort of point where annoyingly clueless people sometimes say things like "oh well, what doesn't k*ll us makes us stronger." That is one of those phrases that SUPER annoys me...so you can be sure I'll never say it.

I hope you and the LF are having a peaceful evening. I think I am going to be asleep even before your littlest LF tonight. I saw my GP today and we talked about how it is safe to take the emergency-make-yourself-sleep medication AND the more long term help-you-sleep medication, so I'm going to do that soon. I was going to do it now, but I figure it is healthier to wait until a reasonable sleeping time, because otherwise I will probably be awake at an unhelpful hour.

My GP and I talked out the (A) muddle yet again, and she is going to email (A) - yet again. We talked about how impossible the idea of starting over is, but also the less-than-ideal situation of me getting so distressed in session that I have done significant damage to my own face. I SUPER hate that behaviour. I haven't done it for a really long time - since leaving my abusive psychologist. It isn't bad enough that it will leave any permanent evidence, but it is extremely obvious at the moment. I hate that I could get that dysregulated...in my psychologist's office...in response to super badly not being heard.

How are you going with "The body keeps the score" @CheerBear? I can see I'm probably not going to get into a headspace to concentrate for quite a while...so you will just have to tell me what you are learning.

Oh by the way, did you get to the yoga class yet? I want to hear allllllllllll about it after you go. I am still psyching myself up to go to a class (just a regular one, not a trauma-informed one). I really am stuck on the what-to-wear bit. I am going to hunt around for loose fitting yoga pants. At least now I know that people wear underpants under their yoga pants. I think I will have more questions for you and @Former-Member and other yogis before I finally make it to my first class. I really am super keen though.

I guess you are probably only just getting home with the LF. It feels super late but it's only 6pm here. I think my body is all in a muddle. Hopefully a solid night's sleep will reset it again. 

Ok, well if I don't "see" you tonight, know that I have read of your day's adventures and I am here even when I am also in the land of nod.   

[CheerBear]

Hey there @Phoenix_Rising.

I'm so so soooooo sore 😞 Like lie down crying and take as many painkillers as allowed kind of sore. But I will get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself soon enough and in the long run it's better this way. It was a tooth that has cost far too many dollars and way too many dentist's visits over too long a time, so it was sad to see (and hear and feel) it being pulled out though. I have a special someone helping me tonight so I can take meds and still have the LF be ok. It's actually very nice to have the company too which is something different (different to have this company and different in that I'm finding company nice).

I feel really sad and really frustrated for you that you experienced being in such a muddle at all, let alone in your psychologists office. I want to say though, that I can understand why it is just not right or not right right now, to leave your relationship with A. Especially when you do have moments with A that are helpful. I am very sad that you don't have a super helpful helping person in your corner. When I hesr about your experiences, and other's here who struggle to find someone helpful, and I think of the massively long list of people I too have encountered who are not at all helpful, I feel so thankful to have my counsellor. She is a gem and I wish so much I could share her with you. I've spoken with her about you and about forum land, mentioning how helpful this place and people are in it, and how connected I have felt with others here. She's met TT too (though met not in a face-to-face way). I have only nine sessions of funding left with her and then it will be goodbye. I have a feeling I will be very very sad to say goodbye, and that this will be another thing you will be able to understand.

I didn't get to yoga, thanks mostly because of the mega wave and the need to do little more than survive it. I'm nervous too, a lot, but hopeful it will help.

I have made my way through the ouchy attachment section of TBKTS. I'm slowly slowly making my way the section on traumatic memory now. It's fascinating, validating and making lots of sense. This section is a big ouchy one too as I am hit with huge self-doubt and big pangs of fear, mostly due to thinking about whether this memory of mine is reliable and just how much work might be needed for me to be able to reorganise the messy puddle that exists in my brain. I'm glad that the Paths To Recovery section of this book is so large! One day, when you're able to concentrate better, I'm 100% sure we'll be able to find something we can read not-together, that might interest us both.

I hope you're able to sleep better tonight and am very glad you have someone helpful (your GP) who you can turn to in the non-virtual world too.

Thinking about you (about a bazillionty times a day)

🙂

[mudsum]

@CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising

felt like i was missing something so i googled "The burrito of sadness" so good some perfectly formed images that i need to use more often. the pictures say it all.

Thinking of you both tonight. Its raining where i am. i can hear the wind roaring outside and the rain pounding down. sometimes this helps me sleep sometiems it keeps me up all night. 

xx your cheer squad

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning @CheerBear, @mudsum and all other nest dwellers. I am just doing a quick fly-over and then I plan to stay off the forum for the day. This is because I have woken up from my insanely long medication-induced sleep feeling super good and thus I need to get stuff done before the next inevitable crash.

@CheerBear I hope you wake up feeling less sore than you were last night. I am super glad you have someone who could come and look after the LF while you were so sore and full of pain medication.

I need to go and be productive now because I know from experience that these little windows of calmness never last very long.

[CheerBear]

I'm doing a quick fly past too while I'm super busy just to say that it's super great to hear you are feeling super good this morning and I hope you have a very productive day @Phoenix_Rising.

Will be back to say a proper hello to forum people later but hope everyone has a good morning 🙂

[mudsum]

Quick question. looking at buying the book the body keeps score but there seems to be two versions? does anyone know?

[CheerBear]

I have the one that is titled 'The Body Keeps The Score - Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma' @mudsum

And yay for another this-kind-of-book reader 😁

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @mudsum, I just came by to tell @CheerBear I finally got to the library and borrowed "The body keeps the score." I don't know about there being two versions - it may just be a hardcover and softcover version or something like that??? The book I got from the library is a hardcover book published in 2014. The author is Bessel Van Der Kolk.

[CheerBear]

@Former-Member - how are you? I haven't seen you around much the last couple of days. I haven't really been looking too far around though but wanted to check in and see. Totally ok if you're not up to replying or just don't want to, but am thinking of you 💗

@Phoenix_Rising - hope you've had a good day and that the window of calmness stays/ed open for a decent time!

Today has been a good day for me. Very productive and helpful session with my counsellor. I'm meeting with my case manager tomorrow to sort out this mega housing issue, or at least try to start sorting it out. Bath, blanket and early bed for me tonight hopefully.

[CheerBear]

Mine is 2014 too and yay @Phoenix_Rising 😄