RE: Darkness surrounds me

[greenpea]

@Former-Member Arghhh! I literally cannot stay up any longer goodnight NellBell sleep well.xx

[Former-Member]

Good night my @greenpea, sleep well little pea. I will get there tongiht. Have my safety plan with me if needed. 

[Former-Member]

Thinking of you @Former-Member and @Sans911

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member. I hope you are going ok, how have you been?

[Sans911]

@Former-Member Aww.. You're such an angel. Thank you. They're beautiful

[outlander]

@Sans911@Former-Member@Former-Member@greenpea@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope 

[Sans911]

@Former-Member how are you doing?

[Former-Member]

umm, not great. I feel like I am trying so hard but it still isnt enough. It is a struggle to do anything at the moment. And I try and think of the kids, but then get angry at myself and feel like such a bad mother for having these thoughts. But whatever I do, I can't shake them. I want to be here but at the same time I just want to give in to my urges. I am so confused and don't know how two different extremes can go through my head at the same time. There is just so much pain there, it just gets too much.

@Sans911

[Sans911]

@Former-Member you're not a bad mum. You're doing the best you can to survive right now & you're protecting your children. They'll be fine. Kids are incredibly resilient. Once day, when they're older you might be able to explain yourself to them and say you had some really bad memories that made you sad and scared.

I understand the urge extremes. I was there only a few days ago and I needed a lot of help to stop. It was intense and distressing. But think of like this. They are thoughts only. You're in intense, unbearable pain. But you don't have to give in to those thoughts. It's hard not too. It's hard also to give in. If you have some ice blocks, hold these in your hands really tightly. Sometimes this helps break the urge.

[Former-Member]

I've always got an elastic band around my wrist constantly flicking it to try and stop those urges. It's the SI that are so confusing. The vivid images I have in my head from the other night just make me loose touch with reality and then all I can think about it the quickest way to make them disappear. And I am not going to say what the quickest way is, but it would mean heartbreak for those around me. But it is just so hard, hard to hold on, hard to cope

@Sans911