RE: Darkness surrounds me

[Sans911]

@Former-Member - your Dr is 1. A professional & 2.human. I understand the embarrassment you felt, but there is no shame in what happened, none at all. I'm glad she saw it as well. Your subconscious mind knew it was a trusted, safe environment. She's probably really concerned for you. Today clearly shows the impact and distress you are under. Hugs sweetheart, and please take extra special care of yourself at this time

[Former-Member]

@Sans911 @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7

Thanks to you all, makes me feel a bit better now. I have internal reactions too but guess just didn't expect for it to happen there. I thought if it would happen it would be with my psychologist where the sessions are a lot more stressful. They just won't stop lately, two in particular 

@outlanderI too fidget a lot with my hands. I have constantly got a stressball in my hand to save my hands.

[outlander]

It ok that she seen that @Former-Member like others have said now they know how bad you can get. They can help you with these occurances happen.

Ive usually got my phone in my hand or my keys. I have a keycharm that i can play with that spins so im forever playing with those

Hugs 💜💜

[Former-Member]

@Sans911she was concerned, she was just about to call an ambulance but I 'came out' of it if you could say that. So today became another write off like yesterday was.

I hope everything is as good as it can be with you today. I think we all need hugs atm 

[Sans911]

@Former-Member @outlander @Former-Member

I wish I could upload photos. Group cuddle pile incoming in 3,2,1....

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member My internalising of those feelings have been from a very early age. I learnt to 'cover up' how I was feeling to hide what was happening for me. As the years progressed - and I had to deal with repeated trauma - it was necessary to internalise those feelings/emotions in order to survive - and to keep so many 'secrets'. That is a big part of why I can now not deal with my past. It is too hard to 'talk' about what I endured for so long. I literally cannot find the words - but the result is that the physical effects are massive. It really is continued re-traumatisation over and over again. Even when someone has seen how I react when this happens, I am still not able to explain how I feel or what is going on for me.

This is incredibly hard, that I do get, and it does help me knowing that others here understand these effects without having to talk with any detail. Sometimes things cannot be put into words - they just ARE - and that is both incredibly hard to deal with and to live with 

[outlander]

@Sans911 💜💜💚💛❤💙

[Former-Member]

@Sans911Here you go!

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7I can so relate to what you have written. It is hard to talk about what happened and I am not sure if I ever will be able to. And I donlt think I would have the words to as you say.

No some things cannot be put into words but having the support on here does help. Big hugs for you hun 

[Zoe7]

Big hugs for you too @Former-Member  Together we can help shoulder the pain and hold each other up when we cannot hold ourselves up - knowing that - without words - we understand