when is it time for hospital

[outlander]

just for you ill draw you a tassie tiger @Former-Member

and i jsut dont know. i feel like im jsut doing the same old shite over and over again and im bored but at the same time i dont know what to be doing so im boring. i dont know. ive had this feeling for a few days and i thought i could shake it by facing a few fears but its done nothing for me.

[Former-Member]

Yayyyyyy! 😊 You've made me the happiest neurotransmitter ever!
I get the feeling that I'm boring too @outlander. I just do the same old things, I'm not an exciting person. BUT I get excitement from what I do. Sometimes I get bored and stressed and hate my work and study, but most of the time I love it.
You've got such a passion for horses, and for helping other people. I think it's about re-gaining the passion in what you do.
If you're feeling depressed, it's hard to have that life vitality and feel 'interesting'. But it will come back.
I think, maybe think that this feeling is just for a little while and maybe think about all the things that you CAN do? What are your dreams?
Go overseas, get an interesting job, riding horses, going on a long drive...?

[outlander]

haha lol @Former-Member im glad i can make someone happy. ive taken a look and they are pretty cool hey.

thats the problem. i dont get excitment from what i do either anymore.

i love helping people but when its constant and its not productive its not my passion. and horses i dont really care. im not even upset about giving this horse back. im glad shes going back tbh. ive gone sour and boring.

i love music and art but i dont know where they are going to get me. they just help me relax.

i dont really want to travel, i just have no desire to do anything. except drawing but ive gotta be in the mood to do it.  i drive so much already and do almost 200ks a week.

theres only one thing that i want to do. and thats have a few nights to myself in a hotel without having to watch the kids at all or ahve to worry that ive got to get them.

i kinda jsut want to be a normal young adult but i know thats not going to happen

[Former-Member]

You sound worn out @outlander.
I wish I could tell you how to get you what you need. But I think the prospect of moving out or your mum moving out would totally help the situation.
Have you thought about going on holiday for a week or so? Just a break for you.

[outlander]

ive had 2 hospital addmissions in under 4 months and they are the only breaks im getting @Former-Member it helps me when i get out for about 3 days and then im fallen back. i cant help it. this time the day i got out i was arguing. and when im in there im still coping it so really its not an escape.

what happened to me seriously. i went from looking normal to wanting to commit and sh. what the actuall heck happened to me. it feels like someone has taken me and i dont know where ive gone. i dont know. i just dont.

ive thought about going away for even 2 nights but its not possible with the kids. mum works and ive always got them on the weekend otherwise i woudlve made it for a weekend. but i dont. i dont get time to myself. its ridiculous and when i ask mum when shes off she gets the craps at me like how dare i ask her to watch her kids.

[outlander]

im in shite again

nothing new.

now im angry and upset and i just i dont know. my head and body is going to explode.

now my sister is taking over my old horse that im not even allowed to see

i jut want to cry and punch something

[Former-Member]

I'm not sure if I should say this... if you find it rude, or imposing, or triggering, feel free to flag it as inappropriate and delete it.

But if it was me, I would tell her to go f**k herself, get myself a full time job and move out of there.
She is an ADULT she needs to take responsibility for her life.
If you're there, she's going to put it on you to do the cleaning, care for the kids, etc.
I know you worry about your siblings, but you're not in any shape to be caring for them when you need to be caring for yourself. You can always maintain contact and be a supportive big sister if you live somewhere else. And it doesn't need to be forever. If only for 6-12 months, just to give you time and space to get well.
The kids are not your responsibility (how old are they again?), right now YOU are your most important responsibility.
If you walk out, your mum will pick up the pieces, she is just avoiding it and leaving it to you.
I really think you need to consider moving out, even if only for 6 months, just to get on top of your own health.

[Maggie]

@outlander Your mother needs a swiftie up the backside. She's the mother not you. What would happen if you just left for the week end, she would have to be responsible. I know careers have places they can go for a break, could you look into that? Anyway, thinking of you, wish I could do more.

[outlander]

No its fine @Former-Member

ive thought about it a few times but im too scared to do that. I dont know.
I know im not really in any shape to be looking after anyone really and im about to start trauma work which means its going to get harder before it gets better.
The plans that were suppose to happen was when mum was at work then her bf wouldnt be so he can watch the kids or vise versa. It last less than a week and now I have the responsibilities again.
I hate being a mum. I want to be a sister, if I wanted to be a mum then I would be but I dont.
My sisters are 6 and 14.

[outlander]

i dont know @Maggie i guess i can look into it. i dont know anymore.

im so trapped in any area that i go.