when is it time for hospital

[Former-Member]

It is scary @outlander, it's a bit step in a lot of different ways.
Trauma work is hard, but I didn't find it too disruptive to the rest of my life. And reading on other threads you seem to have a range of relaxation/anxiety reducing techniques worked out, so I think you'll be fine with the therapy.
I think moving out would be a really good idea. Maybe your therapist/support worker/psychiatrist might be able to talk to you about it and what your fears/thoughts are? I can provide a bit practical support if you need help with anything specific?

[outlander]

i have to be with the therapy @Former-Member i cant afford another hospital admission and i came to that decsion after an ah-ha moment during my last admission.

ive tlked to people about my fears etc. they are the same as what ive told here. i cant seem to just move out.

i think i need to look into that weekend away though becasue im going insane. yet again guess what my weekend involves- yeah not a hard one there.

and its triggering and upsetting me that when i say something to my sisters- i told her not to draw in a reading book but use the drawing one i brought her. mum pipes up and its the end of the world- shes a kid, its her book  and rolls her eyes at me when i said she has to learn respect for things mum.

and again my middle sister is going to place where my horse is of 8 yrs- the one who got taken off me and never seen again- im going up to ride her blah blah blah. it makes me angry and i can feel it welling up but at the same time it hurts me.

i cant win.  its pathetic i know.

i should just be able to move out. or go on a holiday. for gods sake they are going away for a week for a wedding and keep going on about the activities they ahve planned yet when i say yep and u need to help m eorganise things for these kids cause im not having them screaming at me the whole time- itll be school holidays- becasue i cant take it

[Former-Member]

Again, I'm over stepping the mark here, so feel free to tell me to piss off.
But what are your fears of moving out and of going away for a week?
You're not pathetic btw.

[outlander]

your not over stepping the mark @Former-Member

i am pathetic. ive done everything except one thing to make my life better and im still right where i started. how can that be honestly

moving out- pop is going to loose his house. im not use to being on my own and tbh i dont dont know how id handle it. i already get bad paranoia in ahouse of people imagine being on my own. in the quiet with my own stupidity.

going away for a week isnt so bad but i wouldnt know what to do. id probably mope aound becasue i ahve no interest in anything anymore.  and a week would mean mum having to have either time off work and im not there incase she doesnt finish work in time.

@Former-Member

[Maggie]

@outlander If you could just get away for a week, a breather. Leave everyone and everything and just be YOU. I know it's easier said than done, but you need care. You are not well. 

[Former-Member]

You're not pathetic.
You've made huge leaps since you left hospital and we all make positive steps at our own pace.
You know what's funny?!? My psychiatrist and therapist are both pushing me to move out of home right now!!!
I think if you moved into a share house with other young people it might work outlander. Just until your mum gets herself a place, then you can move back with pop. Most leases are for 6 or 12 months, so it wouldn't be forever.
With either full time or part time work and your study and other young flatmates to be with you'll have plenty to occupy yourself and also perhaps some time to yourself too.
I've got to run, but it was lovely to chat to you this afternoon. I hope I haven't been too annoying!!!!!

[outlander]

@Maggie

I need a new life. That would be nice. Anyone wanna swap for a better one?
I know im not well but I am to everyone else around me. They just expect me to do everything all the time. I cant keep up with it and its not even work. Its the kids. Im back to working more than 16hr days because I have the kids as well. I ahvent even had a chance to study for a few days because ive been frantically trying to do other things and organise things.

@Former-Member
why are they trying to push you out of your home?
Thats the problem I dont feel comfortable being around people y own age. I have nothing in common and im as awkward as all hell. I work 2 jobs now and I study. Ive always got things to do.
And your never annoying. Our chats are always good.

[outlander]

RANT WARNING

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME

i went from someone who looked normal and everything was fine.

i had friends even though they were fake it was better than spending all my time in the library, went to school and did my hsc, looked after my nan and now my pop, enjoyed spending time with the horses and enjoyed riding. i went to the drs ever blue moon. never needed medications!

and NOW over the past year- not even a year yet ive been diagnosed with endless amount of physical issues and they jsut keep adding. im at my gp once or twice a week. i have a psychiatrist, psychologist, MH team and a nurse! ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe depression, complex ptsd, AND BPD (borderline personality disorder) im self harming and having suicidal thoughts always in my mind (just  rant ). 2 hospital admissions in under 4 months! 4 different medications i take everyday!

i went from a normal. well never really normal due to my traumas, but someone relatively normal to someone who struggles to breathe minute by minute!

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!

rant over....

[Queenie]

 @outlander. I'm sorry I'm not replying much, but you are never far from my thoughts. I've been reading threads. 

I don't know what happened and why. I ask myself the same thing every single day when I think about my life. Just know that you DIDN'T deserve it and it isn't your fault what happened. 

I struggle with my identity after having mental illness diagnoses, I'm guessing you are too a little. I know for myself for many years I was simply referred to as a "patient" or "consumer". I am more than that, I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, an artist, a student, a lover and a warrior. Don't be defined by your diagnoses and lose your identity in all of this... 

[outlander]

thats ok @Queenie 

ive completley lost who i am. i wake up and im still the same physical person but when i think about it im not me. im nothing like i use to be.

my life and its circumstances are destroying and continue to destroy me. oh the bloody 'patient' thing. all i see are health professionals so really im just a medicare number to them.

i dont even think im a human anymore. i dont know what i am