Hi @outlander
Whatever you may think and feel - there is one thing I am sure of and that is that you are not a mistake - maybe your parents made a mistake and that's their thing - but I do believe in the Higher Power that makes us from the beginning doesn't make mistakes - which kinda took me a long time to work out
I felt as if my bro and I were mistakes - as if the first two kids were disposable when the third and the only child my mother wanted was my sister so many years later - and this stings to this night - and my sister is so much less a person than I am.
Perhaps it's really hard to see past the hard parts defining us when we are starting out - I had such bad self-esteem I could not see that all I had done in my life was worthwhile and I was building a pretty amazing person until last year - or maybe the year before - but at my end of the current time-line I have lived a lot of years - and amazingly - I told my therapist and she was shocked when I told her this - but it was true - I could not see past my mother's bitterness and sharp, nasty tongue and whatever else that strange question-mark of a woman was.
Although I never let my mother know it - I did not like myself - but I do now -
So - it's not what has happened to you so far that makes you - defines you - this is just the foundation - not even that much - the beginning of the person you will become. And yes - I do believe that if you become only half the person I can see of you in the future - it will be pretty cool
I have said this many times in the past - the hardest voice we have to get out of our head is our mother's - she is the first person we can hear - the first environment of our lives - we are a captive audience to whatever our mothers think and feel during our gestation - before we are born - and I know my daughter knows she was wanted - she was loved
But my son was adopted and he was taken from his birth-mother without her permission - that happened back well over 45 years ago - and he was very unhappy and I can understand why - he must have felt like a mistake but to God and to me he never was -
Whatever we do - we can learn to build our self-esteem and looking after your nan and pop and being the primary carer of your little sisters and caring about your horses and working at your studies - and whatever else - wow - you may not see it yet but you are making a huge start
We can only live one moment at a time - imagine trying to live even one day at a time - that's huge - we can only live one of these huge days at a time - how did I get to be so wise
Because it all hurt so much I think - and I wanted to be who I still am becoming
It won't be easy but it iw worth it
Dec
