who am i- may trigger

[CheerBear]

I was just thinking of you @outlander. I went back to the nest to re-read your reply and it's gone.

I hope today is good for you. What have you got on today?

You are strong Outlander. Strong comes in lots of different forms. Strong is in keeping on when everything inside is screaming to give up. It's also in reaching out for understanding and support. You do strong well.

You don't have to say sorry for not replying at all. Something I started to take control of and found super empowering was in reducing how sorry I was for everything. I started to pause before I said sorry (because I said sorry a gajillion times a day) and ask whether I really had anything to be sorry for. I foud that really, there was little reason to be sorry as often as I thought. One little shift like this had big flow on effects. Maybe you could start this too? You can practice with me and others here if you'd like 🙂

Hugs for you my friend

💛

[outlander]

Hugs @CheerBear
The post was removed and i agree with that. Thats a safe place for many nesters including you and thats not sonething many would wany to read. I can re put it here if you like..

I feel extremely sick and ready to throw up again 😞 i dont know what it is buy it isnt nice one bit. It stops me from doing alot of things as i wonder if and when have to fun to the bathroom. Yukky

Im the same as you. Saying sorry probably for more than what i need to. I feel i have so much to be sorry for and not enough time to make up for it

[outlander]

@Former-Member

im just going to move that convo from the Art thread jsut so its more relevant to art and this threads relevant to what we were talking about

YOU SAID-

@outlander I understand.

Please seek help when you feel this way. I've been in private hospital for SH actions and SC thoughts, but I always found it so difficult to find someone willing to talk about the big NONO subject. I don't understand why nurses, practitioners and psychiatrists are shying away so much from it. We need help and THEY are the ones supposed to help us, right? I just keep talking until they answer. Please don't give up fighting.

And I am so so sorry to see the faded little "Help" in your profile picture, don't give up, there is Help out there!!!

@Former-Member yeah they are suppose to be helping people- i went to a sucide prevention program and it helped abit by giving me a lot of coping strategies but i did have a few hiccups in there. i only had 6 weeks to get my act together and i was out of the program whether i was ok or not. but half the time we spent goign around and around in circles and didnt think i was getting there. so i had to face up to that and change it and by then i was pretty much on my last session anyway so i had to leave again after 2 sessions anyway. but it was good getting all the coping strategies.

anywayssss.... i will eventually get there maybe

[outlander]

aww @CheerBear your so cute and sweet just like a little cheerbear- so cuddly and cute

oh gosh those calm feelings are the worse- its like wondering whether your going to go backward or pull through but it sounds like your doing some awesome self care which i find amazing and is alot different from before. you are doig so well- yes i know there will be ups and downs and round and rounds but im so glad you can recognise when you need the help now

at the moment im dealing with a scary diagnosis- HPV which may go away in 12 month but might get worse- its a wating game
still the unsupportive family, my sisters being disrespectful and horrible, ive lost all my friend and my now ex friends are bullies and its very very difficult to deal with.

ive also been very confused about feelings ive been having but ive been told they are normal so im trying to run with that and not worry so much about it- whihc is the first time ive ever felt inimtate desires- as in i seen a scene and made me have strange feelings in my belly but despite being very uncomforatbale and cringy and still wanted to turn away there was 
that desire to feel that sort of attraction

i did finish my course with 80%- it seems like an eternity ago now but its been only about 3 weeks
 
at the moment im having a medication free week so i can try another medication
 
i dont really know where my heads at- its so confusing- i hadnt SH in 2 months and now ive needed treatment for them  and  my mother or know one knows about them and they have been there since thursday and ive been flat out cleaning and had abit of an accident with them abit earlier where i bumped them quite hard accidentally but ive got a covering on them now.
my heads all over the shop though and the other day i had intentions of acting on S plans which hasnt happened for a a very long time now,  and my gp is getting worried and my nurse as well as they did tell me that. i said to them that im withdrawing from treatment as in i feel like i really dont want to go to them anymore- not so much they arent helping but whether i want to go back through all that stuff again and to just leave treatment alone and see how i go- which i know isnt the right thing to do- but i cant help but feel like it

and ive been quite sick with an unknown stomach ailment which i think is depression and so does my gp as ive had tests on my organs to check for anythign there,  bloods (massive massive fear of those but i had to get them done) and they came back clear, ive also had to go get my uterus and ovaries checked for
any conditions that might be causing my stomach ache plus lack of periods since i hadnt had them for two months and now theres no sign of them again and i late yet again
 
i dont want to keep moving forward i feel completeley defeated  at this point and i dont know what to so any more. i feel so lost and my  world is dark and im constantly fighting the SH urges again now whihc sometimes its alot easier to give in then to fight them
 
--EDITED--

[Anony18]

Hi @outlander - as you know it is a very personal thing you are sharing here. I can see how confusing it can be for you as, if am not mistaken, your first time was not consensual? As @Faith-and-Hope and @Shaz51 sexual intimacy is a beautfiul thing and the cravings of our body, which we cannot control, recognises that. It is natural. But as you said you do not intend to act on that and that is our mind stopping it. My body has urges too for example but I do not act on it because my mind stops me for specific reasons such as I want a guy to respect me and prove to me he wants me for me and not for my body....hopefully that makes sense. So don't feel embarrased by how your body feels. If you like talk more about this, happy. Ask all the questions you like to as well. 

[outlander]

yes @Anony18 an extremeley personal thing

and no the first few times werent consentual nor the few after that.

i trying to jsut let my thoughts go for this as im starting to realise yeah ok these thoughts are there, doesnt mean i have to do anything about them. im not really for relationships or anything nor would i decide to do these things myself- not judging anyone that does do that themselves.

and yeah id rather someone like me for who i am and not just to get inside my pants so yeah i get where your coming from and its a very smart move. no one nght stands thanks.

i dont really think i ahve any questions only really if it was a normal thing to feel as everytime i had done it before it wasnt the most pleasant and even though apparently its natural that even havng it done against your will doesnt stop your internals likeing it which i still havent come to terms from and i still think im horrid for even allowing that to happen. i cant stand the thought of it and if i do then it doesnt end well in my day so i try not to think out it.

but usually when inimate things appear, i cringe , cry get terrified etc etc but this time was different and extremeley unusual and you lovley people on here are he only ones i can talk to

[Anony18]

Am sorry to hear that you have not had great experiences @outlander Not sure if it helps that even consensual sometimes they aren't great experiences....think shows make it slightly over-rated. 

I can see why you are so confused given the experience you have had. I imagine it may take time for you to become comfortable with such feelings within your body because your body is saying one thing but your mind is saying another so it is like that "push and pull" factor. 

It is sorta the same but not the same where you may be physically attracted to a guy/girl but not mentally attracted to the guy/girl and so you need make choice. Not sure if this makes sense at all.

Definitely talk more about it with us if you feel this way again as I am assuming IF it does happen again you may still be confused trying to make sense of it all. But we are here to listen and try to hold your hand and help you through. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @outlander,

I'm sorry things are so very tough for you at the moment. I'm not in the right headspace to say anything particularly helpful, but I wanted you to know that I have read the last few pages of this thread and I have heard you. 

I really hope you can find some good support. A six week course to deal with suicidal ideation is absurdly inadequate. (A) keeps telling me that she is still getting to know me...and I've been seeing her weekly for five months! I think you mentioned at one point that you were going to see someone through victims services, is that right? I hope you are able to find someone you click with. I am eternally grateful that victims services is funding my sessions with (A). 

Take care @outlander.

[outlander]

it has just gotten a lot harder for me 
so in the last 4 hours ive SH and still fighting the urges

I went to my horses and the bullies were there, they werent near me but they kept staring at me. I cant take it anymore! Then I got my horses in and have now discovered my horse has an eye ulcer and now I have to get the vets out to treat her eye. Weve had a horse with an ulcer before and it requires going there to the paddock to treat her twice a day- antibitics twice a day, I have to syringe her eye with saline water then treat it with a cream as wel designed for ulcers
so theres that. I now have to clean out two paddocks everyday if not twice a day.
And ill be by myself because sisters are at school and its pretty much a one person job anyway and my mother is at work during the day for both times
aand the horse with the ulcer has to go into the sick yard which guess where it is- its attactched to the friggin bullies yard! I have to see them everyday if not twice a day now. This isnt going to be fun at all and I actually have to partly go into their paddock to get to my horse. So great even better
and im among going to the horses twice a day- treating horses and cleaning paddoacks and filling waters, caring for pop and getting him to the places he needs to be, horse holiday if need be, my sisters riding lesson cleaning the house and keeping up to date with everything, I still have to go to my nurse on wednesday morning after I take the kids to school so I wont have time to get to do the horse unless im up super early t go down there cause by the time im finised there itll be time to get the kids and go back there, then on thursday ive got my psychitrsit appointment in the monring so again same predicament and then again on friday when I have to go to my gp in the morning but I can get the horse done after there on friday

how the heck am I going to do that all on my own- its just taken me 2 hourse to do the horses and that was with help let alone one my own
 
remember how i was saying i have absolutly no privacy!!! At all!!
Well ive just realised the only spot other than my car i thought was private was my underwear draw and guess what not even thats private! !!
Not friggin happy! I cant wait to move out!!
I dont have anything private in there but if not even thats a private spot then where is
never got into anyone elses draws not even my pops unless im asked to by that person who owns them and i get exactly what they want out of exaclty the draw they tell me too. i think its rude to go through other peoples draws.
my sister comes out last night and said ive put your clothes that you had on the floor into the basket. i said thank you- i left the clothes folded on the floor as i had to duck out quickly and was putting them away when i got bac. and then when i went into my draw this morning of all things my underweear had been put away and not by me and they were my new ones that i had brought that were WITH my folded clothes that i was going to put away. hmm. and my mother has been into that draw so many times as well. and i knew she was in there recently as she put an envelope with her savings in it in the draw and i didnt stick it in there.
so now i really dont ahve anywhere private and now it doesn surprise me if they go through my car and things too now
as if i needed this right now and as if i didnt feel trapped and out of control already now i find they go through my intimate draw!  mind you if they need a storage spot stick it in my socks draw- whihc is RIGHT underneath my intimate draw.
its not alot of private things in there but it did have my nans funeral bit from the news paper and also the cards ive been writing to her on her bday and xmas- please dont judge on that
so now i really have no where. i dont know what to do or where to go. it really set my depression even lower as it makes me think what kind of person am i if they are going through my initmate draw wow thats just really scooped to a new low for me

@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51@Faith-and-Hope

[outlander]

@Phoenix_Rising im not in a good head space either im dealing with SH urges yet again so much so they actually hurt

im not seeing a psych at all at the moment @Phoenix_Rising and its fine you can take your time