Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bee36]

Thankyou @tyme. I appreciate that I dont think he is fully invested. But I am grateful that he has allowed me this much. Boundaries sound great but also scary, (repercussions) I am struggling with what to do when boundaries are crossed. As this is a common occurence. Do you have any helpful links??? On that sort of thing? Thank you again.

[tyme]

Boundaries are something you set up for yourself @Bee36 .

You have the choice to walk away. 

One thing to know is that it's not a good idea to confront him while he is triggered or upset. If he has crossed a boundary, it's a good idea to have a chat to him after when he is calm and not triggered. Let him know that he has crossed the boundary and ask him what he thinks you should do. This puts it in his power to have a say. 

This is one of the greatest things for a borderline. For me, my world was so out of control, that simple acts like people telling me what to do was a trigger for me. I lashed out because I felt threatened that people were trying to control the little control I had left.

Therefore, open, transparent communication is key. Pose questions to him e.g. What would you like our future to look like? What's something you feel we can work on?

He may not have answers straight away, but leave these questions with him. Then the power is in his hands.

[Bee36]

Thank you @tyme. I get the whole not confronting when upset thing, if i can let it go trust me i do alot of that. However my hardest challenge is that i have children that are often triggers/ targets for him so it is hard for me to not confront him when he is triggered in those situations as I am often trying to defuse an out of proportion response directed at them. Asking him to calm down can sometimes not always but often enough escalate things more. It's tricky stuff...Thank you again for your insight and advice and well done to you for seemingly coming out of the other side of it all. It truly is amazing!

[tyme]

When your husband is not triggered, is there an opportunity to speak to him about the impact of his behaviours on his children? @Bee36 I'm wondering whether he can get some support to gain some insight to how his behaviour may impact the children. 

I wonder if you can have a conversation with the children and let them know that their dad loves them, and sometimes needs a bit of help from everyone? 

Children are very sensitive. They are sponges and can sense something is not working. Being open and transparent may help them understand and ask questions.

Please take care.