Yes
@Owlunar sorting someone else's stuff is easier. But I don't go in mum's room yet, to sort. There's decades of neglect to tidy & sort everywhere here. I'm doing more sorting & cleaning than 'chucking' - think it's important for dad not to have too much change all at once. The powers that be are expected to shove him a home first chance they get, against his wishes, so I say - let him have peace these last days at home.
What I do is discrete (under the surface). It kinda helps the decluttering process when the decisions are already made by the 'use by' dates. LOL
Not knowing how long I can live here or what I can take claim of things, without a car, is keeping a check on my decisions too. This is a temporary home, something to do, someone o care for, and then I'll be gone. Actually much nicer here than my home, especially the kitchen and fly screens & security. Actually enjoying seeing my brothers more, even bro2 can be OK when he wants to be, thank goodness
soul (Community Guide)
You're a very good daughter @ lapses. Just take it a day at a time. You'll get there. I only have a couple of things of my Mum's - siblings took or dicarded the rest. It's comforting though to have them around me. Is your place being looked after in your absence?
10/02/2018
Smc (Senior Contributor)
@ lapses, both of my parents are still alive, but in aged care. I'm really not sure if that makes sorting out their house easier or harder, because I still feel like I'm accountable to them for what I do there. Less so in Dad's case, because with his dementia, he's pretty much mentally surrendered everything anyway. He'll occasionally ask what we've done/will do with something of his, but more in the sense of wanting to know than wanting to have it.
Mum still asks us to bring things in from the house, and we're becoming more resistant to doing so, because her aged care room is getting too cluttered up. She can't really have anything else in there, because if it spills over into walkway space, it becomes a tripping hazard. So we try to insist that something comes out of her room before the requested items get brought in. Sort of works... but she doesn't like it.
Whew it's hard when clutter becomes intergenerational. I doubt I'll ever have a sparse house, but I'll be happy if I can get it to "comfy clutter" not "junk clutter". And I want to leave it in decent order for whoever has to sort it when I'm gone.
10/02/2018
Determined (Senior Contributor)
LoL @ Smc, I blame intergenerational disposition for my hoarding habbits.
Brother took countless truck loads of stuff to the tip when we were moving mum after dad died. Most of that was outside of the houae however. Mum still moans about stuff she lost over a decade later. At the time she was oblivious to what was going on so never argued.
19/02/2018
Determined (Senior Contributor)
There was much amusement despite the grief when the family cleaned out my grandmother's house after she died.
My mother was left in the will a bycicle purchased in 1932 along with original purchase reciept and warranty papers. Bike is rusted beyond repair but mum hangs on to it because it was her mums
10/02/2018
Lapses (Senior Contributor)
Thanks @ soul & @ Smc - there's some good insights there. I thought we had to sell the family home to get them into aged residential care? A bond etc? All things to sort out. I wish my sis & I got on. One step at a time, caring for the elderly I know but the 'red tape" omgoosness
😕 My mum was very attached to pocessions, but dad gets by with basics now, lost capacity to do most hobbies, old interests, memory loss & tremors etc. Ageing is not for whimps.
Its hard being shoved aside because I had x2 breakdowns. Human nature to back the seemingly strong I guess. anyway, dad is OK if those around him are OK.
In the middle of tea here...
lapses (Senior Contributor)
Haha @ Determined, i understand keeping the old bike lol
Grief seems easier when they've lived a full life. I've heard families tend to go odd (mad) when sorting their parents estate / matters & caring for frail parents.
Smc (Senior Contributor)
Lapses, aged care rules changed mid-2014. There's the option of full upfront payment, part upfront/part periodic payments, or periodic payments. The home my parents are in gets paid monthly via a direct debit. I think it may partially depend on the value of their assets and income too. Check online, search for the Aus govt. "My Aged Care" site. Includes income and assets calculator, which is very helpful.
We are under some time pressure though, because at some point in the foreseeable future, their "liquid assets" will run out and we'll need money from selling the house to pay their fees. They're 400kms away from where we live; the only other family member is my sister, who works full time and can't spare any more of her leave than she's already using to travel up there twice a year; we've got four kids in our own family, three who have grown up and moved out, and one still in high school. Two of the grown up ones are pretty self sufficient most of the time, the other has long term, high level mental health problems (which explains me being here, mostly but not exclusively hanging around the Carer's side of the forum) and as I'm sure people on both sides of the forum know, sometimes she needs a lot of support.
So here's me, burnt out and with fairly severe depression myself (got DSP first try...), trying to tidy and clear two homes at once...
Worst case scenario, if we can't clear their house and get it on the market soon enough, it's possible to apply for altered arrangements via hardship provisions. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if so, I've got more than a sneaking suspicion that we'd qualify
😞
