Self sabotage patterns in my relationship

[pinklollipop15]

Hi I have bipolar affective disorder and I started a relationship about 2 months ago with a man whos amazing. He has been lovely kind and considerate. We have discussed being in a serious partnership, moving in, marriage and having children in the future. I enjoy the time I spend with him but lately there has been no intimacy and I told him I would like to talk about it then it escalated to breaking up. We are still talking and going to meet in person sometime soon to discuss things and I think its going to be ok. 

But earlier on in the relationship I was upset about something and I proceeded to say thats it I'm done f off  via text and he rang me up counselled me and said this isnt proper behaviour you can't just cut and run etc etc I realised that my behaviour hasn't been that good and I feel the same now its like I get stuck and go into this pattern of self-sabatoge where I just want to end things because I feel like I'm going to get hurt eventually so why not. 

I mean is this normal? Should I get counselling? To be honest I haven't had a serious relationship in the past and I'm nearly 40. 

I love this man and I would love a future together he keeps me grounded and is very intelligent and calm. 

Would love any advice or suggestions. 

[Jynx]

Hey @pinklollipop15! I am sorry that things have gotten difficult in your relationship, and hope that you two can work through it all! 

So from what you're describing, it's like a defence mechanism, yeah? Like 'if I push them away first, they can't reject me and hurt me' kinda thing? It's an absolutely normal thing to be dealing with. Super annoying and difficult, but something I'm sure many here can relate to. I think it's a pretty common experience for folks with BPD for example (though not exclusively a BPD experience, mind you!). 

I think it's basically like... our inner protector is really adamant that we don't experience the pain of rejection again. And the closer we get to a new person, the more hurt they could cause us by leaving. This can result in things like pulling away, self-sabotage, or subconsciously looking for reasons the person might leave so we can make sure we 'get there first' kinda thing. 

Does this resonate with your experiences? If it does, then perhaps that is something you could bring into the conversation, like 'hey so I'm realising I have this trauma response, and I really wanna work on it, but whilst I do that there might be times when x or y behaviour comes out - please don't take it personally, and please know it doesn't necessarily reflect my true feelings.' Food for thought anyway, only you will know how best to approach this!! 

As to whether you should get counselling - that is entirely your decision to make! But I'd say it couldn't hurt, especially if it could also be beneficial to your relationships! Maybe have a gander at services offered by Relationships Australia? They do counselling for couples, but they do individual as well I'm pretty sure. 

I hope this helps! And yeah, do remember that all of this stuff can be worked on and changed, just takes time 💜

[Glisten]

@pinklollipop15 how long have you known each other?

How did you meet?

How many dates have you been on?

Do you have mutual friends?

Have you met each other’s family?

Mutual interests and hobbies?

G

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @Jynx 

Thats exactly it I am scared of getting broken up with. You are spot on in everything you have written. I will look at relationships australia. 

Thanks

[pinklollipop15]

how long have you known each other? 2months

How did you meet? online

How many dates have you been on? more than 6

Do you have mutual friends? yes

Have you met each other’s family? yes

Mutual interests and hobbies? yes 

[tyme]

Hey @pinklollipop15 ,

Good to see you. Feels like it's been ages!

I'm hearing you. It sounds like there's a lot going on for you. 

I read you love him and you want a future together, but you feel maybe self-sabotage might affect things?

It's good to read that you are open to talking to him in order to iron things out. One thing I have to acknowledge is you have been able to reflect on your actions, and it sounds like you'd like things to change. Is that fair to say?

Maybe talking to a counsellor can be helpful? Do you have any other professionals you can speak to?

[LostAngel]

@pinklollipop15 the only advice I can give is that I wholeheartedly relate to self sabotaging behaviour and can understand where its almost like a reactive response maybe even a subconious thing your mind does to protect you from rejection please take care moving forward and yes councilling is your choice completely 

[Glisten]

@pinklollipop15 is it worth while slowing down, so that you have more time to emotionally & mentally process, see your counsellor.

Little steps. A little happiness. Good feelings. Good counsel.

You got this 👍🏼 G