Reviving this old thread because I have another long and self indulgent rave I need to get out of my system. As with the first one, please don't feel obliged to read or respond. I am mainly writing to clear my head of things and the forum seems the best space to do that.
Let me start now and work backwards. I am feeling down and frustrated. I am in the process of working on a tiny, small-paid video-making job. It's all being done over the internet between here and the US. The director of the project is being a bit demanding and I'm feeling pressured out of my comfort zone. I didn't even really want to take this job when she offered it to me. I tried to say no. She talked me into it, encouraging me to believe that, having seen my other videos, she knew I could do it and really wanted me. The job involves producing something I've never done before and I'm feeling somewhat out of my depth. Because it is a paid job, my anxiety levels are much higher than usual. I have some kind of aversion to being paid for what I do. Somehow it seems to mean that nothing I could ever do would be good enough. I've had this problem in every single job or piece of paid work I've ever done. This work may go on like this for another 3 weeks and already it's starting to make me feel sick. I haven't done any paid work at all since 2008. I have a long history of multiple breakdowns in paid employment.
Aside from that, I had a bad time with my companion last night. Sometimes he gets into moods where he is very blokey, swears and blasphemes a lot, and talks in a loud, manic way about his imaginary second reality. He's not diagnosed with any mental health conditions and most times he is the kindest person. He's also functional enough to have a part-time job in a social service industry. I accept his sometimes strange behaviours, as he accepts mine. But I often feel a bit emotionally battered when he goes on these loud raves about his imaginary life in another dimension, all peppered with harsh, blokey obscenities, which are often quite extreme. Not just regular swear words but taken to the edge and beyond. He also laughs in a manic way when he gets into these states. Last night in the car on the way home, I snapped at him when he started raving loudly to me while driving. I'm very nervous in cars and I didn't feel safe with him driving in that state. But he's also very sensitive, was surprised by my tone, and I think it hurt his feelings. And now I feel bad about that too, because we very rarely have much discord these days really. He'll never say if I've upset him, or answer honestly if I ask him, which leaves me in paranoia land about how he's feeling. And he doesn't see his rough behaviour as unkind towards me, even though I have told him it affects me that way so many times. He just sees it as him being allowed to 'say it as he wants'. I don't know how to shield myself from these loud, raving monologues. I experience them as aggressive and disturbing.
There are other things getting me down too. I'm still deaf in one ear from a nasty cold that started about 10 days ago. Coughing wildly and explosively at times with a rattling, wheezing chest. I do get the rattle, wheeze and cough chronically unfortunately, but since the cold it's a fair bit worse. Had a doctor's appointment today but cancelled because I don't feel well enough to catch the bus there and walk the kilometre or so to get to the clinic. It's been raining and may do again. Also cancelled a get-together with a friend I already cancelled on Tuesday. It's embarrassing how much I've cancelled on her over more than a year. Mostly I try to celebrate the 'wins' but today I feel a bit hopeless. Still in my nightie at midday.
Also, my sleep patterns are getting even more out of whack than usual. But that's enough for one rave. Thanks if you read this far.
