A long and self indulgent rave

[Former-Member]

Do you have a deadline on it @Mazarita? Is that adding pressure? And for what it's worth I know it would be hard to have that discussion too. Its good your taking lots of breaks . I feel that it's such a double edged sword for you as it feels like you want it to work out but are worried about it too. Take good care of you 💜🤗

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, there is a deadline of about 3 weeks away (maybe slightly less, need to sort out the exact date). My mum is coming for a week during this time and I want to give her all my attention. So that really just leaves ten days to two weeks to get it done. Having said that, I can see that I may do some of it during the time mum is here. I need to take breaks from her too so maybe that will sometimes be video making breaks. It's really a very small project. It's just that all the tiny details have to be pretty spot-on. There's a range of other things that are worrying my mind about it. But I still think it will probably work out in the end. Even if she doesn't use it. I'd like to complete this project really. Seems important for my self esteem. I think. 

[Former-Member]

Good for you @Mazarita. Onwards and upwards then and tell self doubts to rack off cos their not helping....almost quoted straight from my therapist yesterday 😘


The second part for me is messier because we absorb it all. I absorb any males aggression even my owns boys and even if they don't see it as aggressive. Anything out side my comfort zone sets all my alarm bells off and runs my anxiety and insecurities high. I think unpredictable behaviour would too. I think it's ok for him to know how it affects you. If he is hurt by your reaction it's ok too. He needs to know that regardless of intentions his behaviour can affect others. May be this is just a wake up call for him. I'm sorry you can't have this conversation with him. Hoping it will get better. More hugs. I seem to have lots spare today 💜🤗

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Mazarita

I caught the dreaded lurgy from my son so I feel I fit in here!

I think it is great you are doing the job.  Stich it out, but let her know ways to "get more out of you" by going with you rather than just being demanding.

I understand about your self doubts, creativity and being paid issues.  I do not believe that the world rewards financially according to effort or talent.  Dont talk yourself out of getting paid though. You do deserve some recognition.

I think getting a little snappy often happens when being stretched, and add the stressor of driving to the mix makes sense.

I tended to ruminate and self judge a lot if I did that kind of thing, but in the broader scheme of things some off the cuff reacting is human.  If we were so self-controlled that it never happened.

@Former-Member has a point about people learning that their behaviour in closy proximity to others will effect others. As parents we see that a lot and try and let our kids get the idea gradually. There are physical space issues we all need to learn.  Think of it as learning skills and knowledge rather than about being being good or bad or caring or hurting ...

My son has some behaviours like that.  It can be a very male testosterone thing. Though SNAG Sensitive New age guys are acceptable and good inside the house. I give permission for that boisterous behaviour. I know that lots of people need to express in that way, but include "please, give me space" kind of thing ...

Thats why the sport thing can be great tool of parenting or acculturation

or go to a place like the Grampians and sign to each other from different hill tops ...

He can holler as loud as he likes ...  you can wave ...not make a peep .. but plenty of space in between ???

or subway tunnels .. and get some echo going .. lol

Not talking about stuff does increase paranoia ... generally speaking.... which is one reason why I decided to be boringly pedantic about somethings .. (seen much paranoia related issues)... so try and raise it in ways that DE-ESCALATE ... I was frightened of any conflict ... but over a lot of time .. some conflict is natural.

So glad you are back. I feel fond of your bloke and your relationship...  No rivalry just friends, cos known about you both for a while.

Cheers .. you can afford a little whinge in the economy of +ve & -ve posts ...

Dont worry .. Good Luck with it all.

Apple

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, yes, I am sensitive to aggressive energy too. It comes first of all from my childhood and I get triggered back there pretty easily. I can imagine you have faced some challenges with that, bringing up boys. It's hard to talk to him about it because he seems compelled to speak in this way sporadically. It's been a part of our interractions for 14 years of living together, and regularly occurs. At least once a week at the moment, has been much more, other times much less. When we first started sharing a flat it really kind of freaked me out. But, as @Former-Member said, it does help to know now that most of the time things are okay and we get along very well. Only problem is these episodes affect me for much longer than the time they took place. Like I'm still feeling bruised by it today. I guess that's my past trauma coming into play there.

[Mazarita]

Welcome to lurgy central, @Appleblossom! Hope yours racks off quickly. Thanks so much for the wonderful response that I will be coming back to read again. It makes me smile that you are fond of us both. There is so much that is lovable in him! You have indeed known us over some time now. I especially like your de-escalating advice. That's something I've had to learn to whatever extent I now practise it. Was rather an escalator earlier on. I like too the proviso that getting short with people sometimes is only human.

With the vid, the director is really pleasant to deal with. It's more that it's becoming clear to me what extreme attention to detail I am going to need for this one. So the pressure is applied mostly internally.

Anyway, worry has eased for the responses here from you and others. Thanks again! 

[utopia]

@Mazarita ♥♥♥
Lots of self care tonight.

[Mazarita]

Thanks, @utopia. Doing the best I can, which is not great today. Tears and mood swings but still working on the vid. It's giving me something productive to focus my attention on for the time I am doing it at least. Will try to get into bed early tonight.  

[Ayesha]

Hi @Mazarita I can really relate to you being so affected by your companions 'rants' ..... when my husband is angry, tense or raises his voice it scares the hell out of me and I cower inside. Stems from childhood trauma. It really really affects me to the point I can barely talk and feel shaky inside. Times like that I am so incredibly emotionally vulnerable and fragile,

As for the job.... batten down the hatches and do what you can.... maybe make a timeline of what to do when do it leaves you plenty of time at the end? I love a good to do list

[Mazarita]

Thanks, @Ayesha. My moods have been doing swings and roundabouts today. The bipolar makes us more susceptible to being rocked by other people's feelings, I think. And, yes, I agree it stems from childhood trauma as well. I get wobbly too and have to be careful with my physical movements on days like today. I relate about feeling emotionally very vulnerable. Anyway, we had a bit of a talk about it tonight and things feel smoother between us at present. That's what it's usually like, luckily. The job will be okay, one way or another, even if I fail at it. At least I will have tried. How are you travelling at the moment? Hope you get restful sleep tonight.