Life after hospital

[outlander]

i   wasnt ready to come out of hospital  and now  im debating whether I should try and go back in for a few days. I just dont think itll solve my problems as much as I want them to be solved on their own.
Im always working hard. Ive been out for  over a week and so far im rarely sitting down. i knew that when the kids went back to school this would happen. i friggin knew it!
i keep arguing with my mother and she makes me frantic. today while i was paddock cleaning i had 10 missed calls and 6 msgs in under half an hour!!!! i thought it was emergent but instead she wanted to argue and complain that i wasnt coming out for lunch with her and her bf- ended up going- waste of time maccas had better food and a heap load cheaper too!
then when i got home she complains i was out too late.
get a job but im out to late- makes perfect sense doesnt it. cant friggin win

Im trying to get myself back on track however its not working and ive fallen backwards again. flat on my back it feels!
I dont know how the heck im suppose to recover from all of this. I need a fairy godmother.

[outlander]

Ive relapsed 😞

I know when its bad. Ive now recognised 3 of my relapse signs

1. I stop liking horses. And thats whats happening. I dont want to be there in fact its one of the last places i want to be along side being at home.


2. Ive encountered 2 triggers tonight and i hit a high but another sign ive relapsed. My depression takes over the anxiety anf it only lasts for about half an hour or it just makes my depression worse.

I dont know how i can change so damn quick. Quicker thsn a blink of an eye.

Hslf the time i dont know whether im anxious or depressed anf by the timr ive worked it out its changed again.

3. I cant be bothered to draw. I loose interest get frustrated lack motivation and judt cant do it

[Koko]

Oh dear @outlander. Please ease up on yourself. I am by no means criticising at all because I've done the same thing. I've been out of hospital 18 days and have felt the same way after previous admissions. It sounds like you set your expectations far too high. Maybe that comes from your mum who sounds the same. I'm only just finding my feet. I had no expectations about coming home. The first little while is the honeymoon period when you come out, then reality hits, then we start to catastrophise and perhaps panic a little that our expectation of what we thought we wanted to achieve in the hospital bubble has flown away. Take a step back. Re-look at what you thought you wanted to achieve and see if it was realistic? Then say ok I can do this much. I can tell my mum I'm feeling pressured. Don't tell your mum she is putting pressure on you. Use I statements. You cannot take on the world just after hospital. What is it you would want to achieve by going back into hospital?
Relax your discharge plan. You are doing ok. Feelings come and feelings go. That's life. Learning to ride them is awesome because you just go with the flow. I make myself find just one thing I'm grateful for every day. I live alone, have no family and one friend who lives in another state. I could say that really sucks everyday because it does. But I am grateful every day for my one friend, that I have a rented roof over my head even though it's a far cry from the house I owned and lost. There is always something to be grateful for. Just breathe. Worrying won't add any days to our lives, they just make them miserable. Increase exercise even if you don't want to, buy your favourite food, go sit in a paddock and journal. Whatever it takes. See your GP, shrink, counsellor, whatever. Time to push in hard because recovery takes a huge amount of work. Don't let it get to you. You've been doing great.

[outlander]

Ill write a better response soon @Koko thank you for all youve written. Its a very good response!!
Ive got my psychiatrist this morning then guess what late last night my hairdresser sent me a text to say-shes a home based one- she has time tomorrow to do my hair! Havent had it done for over 3 years now. Then feeding my part time care horses

[outlander]

hello everyone

i jsut got out of a psych assessment done by my local community MH team.  they confirmed severe Gad, complex ptsd, and depression. as well as health anxiety AND BPD.

[Koko]

So I believe you can just round all that up to complex ptsd. All the other things are just symptoms of it. Please don't get caught up in diagnostic hoo ha. We sure not our diagnoses. They are just labels. They are not who we are.

[outlander]

I cant really change who i am can i @Koko
I just gotta do what i can to manage all the crap

[patrickT]

Hey @outlander,

Those post admission blues are too real. Glad you found somebody to take care of your horse. My pup lived with my parents when I went in but she would've been my first concern. If you don't mind me asking were you in a private or public hospital? They can make all the difference. Public hospitals suck, the waiting times suck, the rotating roster of specialists suck. All of that. 

I've generally found the PRN the greatest repreive of anything. Being a former drug addict it's the most sought after thing (a complex topic) but the anxiety is so intimately linked with the PRN it's hard to disassociate them. I hate that label of being an involuntary patient too. It's so frustrating being in there against your will (sorry I think I answered my own question before) but from the sounds of it you came out on top.

I really hope you can try and move on with recovery and being safe from this point onwards. Thinking of you and empathising with your situation completely. Lots of love and well wishes,

Pat.

[outlander]

that last long post you wrote was very good! @Koko

my only real expectation when getting out of hospital was not to have all the responsibilities piled back on me, be better able to deal with some of the things going on now that ive taken a break and for my family to stop calling me an attention seeker.

were these ecpectations abit high do you think maybe?

[outlander]

hi @patrickT thank you for your response.

i only had limited time to get my horse organised otherwise no one wouldve known i was going in except my mother and her bf. and where my new horse is i dont want them going there. thats what i call my safe place. i dont ahve to worry about them there or anything.

i went into a public hospital, i didnt have waiting times except the 9 hours in psych room waitng for a bed.

i was admitted by my gp while i was in the drs surgery. they called the ambulance and i got taken from there. the first hospital i went to didnt have any beds so got pateint transported to another hospital. the unit that i went in to was really great. not what i was expecting at all. but that was the short stay non vilent peopl ward. so the max nights is usually 3 but the friday i went in didnt count becasue i didnt see the psych team and the weekend doesn count so i ended spending 5 days there.

i ahve a prn but it doesnt work for me. so im trying to work out another option atm. i can take it but it either doesnt work or it takes all day to kick in andmay as well of not taken it at all.

yeah the label of involuntary- when i was coperating the whole bloody time annoyed me abit but i guess it was for safety reasons and at that point i actually used it to my advantage. as much as i didnt want to be there to start with, half of my porblem wa that everytime  i was on the phone to my mother or her bf they were pretty much trying to  drag me back out so me being able to say' im an involuntary patient what dont you get that i wont be home until at least monday dont you understand' didnt stop them pestering me about it or calling me an attention seeker and that i dont need to eb there yadda yadda. but it gave me that to use instead or arguing with them all the time.