When things get tough here on the Forums

[CherryBomb]

Our thriving community has been around for over a year now, and it's great to see the relationships and bonds that have formed during this time.

Like with any community, there are challenging times. There can be times when people don't see eye-to-eye, things are said and misunderstood, or perhaps someone feels unheard or they may feel disrespected. Or maybe there are particular members, or conversations on the Forums that push your buttons. Experiencing challenges within a community is a very normal part of relationship building. 

So I thought that it might be helpful to discuss some strategies about what you can do to look after yourself on the Forums? Perhaps some of our community guides may have some advice on this? @Mazarita @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Jacques @PeppiPatty  @chookmojo or other members @MoonGal @Neb @AlienBP2 @hiddenite @CannonSalt

I thought I'd start with some ideas first, but feel free to add to to this and expand on it. These are just some examples of things you can do, not things that you must do.

- When a conversation goes off track: If you start a new discussion and you feel that it has been taken off topic, you can remind others what the conversation topic was originally about and suggest starting a new discussion elsewhere

- when you don't have the energy to provide support but need support for yourself: it's ok to have boundaries around support-giving when you may not be in a position to provide it. Sometimes, members will deliberately take some time out of the Forums to care for themselves, or they will avoid certain 'areas' on the Forums, and share with others what they are going through.

When someone that has posted something that is triggering for you:  If you feel like it doesn't meet the community guidelines, contact the moderators for them to review it. Or share how, and why it has impacted on you with the person who has posted it. 

- when someone says something that bothers you: seek clarification, and address the issues as the issue, don't make an issue out of the person.

[Appleblossom]

Sorry if I seemed personal re @Former-Member . when I said I was "jealous" ... I am hoping she understood that I dont begrudge her the support and I do understand she is going through a terrible time.  It is good that services improve.

[CannonSalt]

@Appleblossom - I don't mean to be a person who's ignoring you.. a lot of what you've gone through is not in my experience, so I can't think of what to say without it sounding insipid or strident or shrill, so I end up saying nothing at all. 😕 That's why I start saying a lot of things with 'maybe' and 'perhaps', and phrasing things as a question.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Appleblossom and @CannonSalt

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm following your posts. Did you feel like my post was in relation to what you wrote to elsewhere on the Forums?

My post was directed to the whole community, not at anyone or any incident... 

Just trying to clarify communication here 

[Appleblossom]

Wasnt sure @CherryBomb so thought I would mention it, just in case.

No worries @CannonSalt. It has happened a lot and I wasnt sure certainly not aimed at you.

I like your input generally. It is sometimes hard to know if we can relate or not ...

I think it is really good that we can clarify .... it is no surprise to me that forumites are especially sensitive and ethical about these type of issues.

[CherryBomb]

Thanks for clarifying @Appleblossom - and a great example of what to do when things get tough. 

Also love the word - 'Forumites'. Will have to remember that one.

[Appleblossom]

I think I got it from @Aonaran

[PeppiPatty]

That's my word forum Forumites : how we get support at initial awareness of MI
And writing our stories in a detached way !!!

I want to write this input :
That after thinking in the past year that I've been personally criticised ......
To not write anything but just sit with it for a week or two and often you realise the person you thought was criticising was actually struggling with something else

Also
Sometimes .... If your feeling very stressed its good not to write anything at all but spend a couple of weeks ..... If you log on just to read and consider how others manage that same issue themselves

Also
There is no no time for any silly trauma thoughts. If something bad is happening like ..... Say your children are acting up and you feel you need to rant.....
Jump up and down a few times or writie about it in the 'now ' often diffuses the original stress

[Appleblossom]

My problem dear @PeppiPatty

Is that I am FAR too patient and have waited FAR too long regarding all of the hypotheticals you just posted about ... to wait a week or two has been the story of my life .... I wait years ... decades ...so then I feel that type of a suggestion is a put-down ... or at best a well meaning irrelevancy ... I read a lot of parenting books a long time ago etc  ....  we ALL have different needs.

[CherryBomb]

Remember, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' here. Just opions on how to look after yourself on the Forums. For some people, it may seem sitting with feelings before writing. For others, it will be getting out as soon as possible. I, personally, can go between the two, depending on the level of discomfort I feel. 

I'd like the purpose of this conversation to be geared towards this: what advice do you have for others to get though challenging times on the forums?