When things get tough here on the Forums

[MoonGal]

@CherryBomb, @Chris, @PeppiPatty, @Appleblossom, @chookmojo, @Former-Member

Great topic. I might be one of those people who take a thread off in awhole new direction without meaning to. I am a very lateral thinker. And associate freely - this thought leads to that thought - and I am seeing a thing in a whole new light always preceded by the original post though. I will be careful @Chris from now on now that I see that it could be construed as disresepct to the original poster. If I have started a post though I am happy for it to meander - as long as it is associated in some way with the original intent.

This forum is a fantastic community and I am very glad to have found it. I do like the ideas here in asnwer to @CherryBomb's direct question.

'What advice do you have for others to get though challenging times on the forums?'

My 2c worth would be...

Everyone struggles, be kind.

[CherryBomb]

@MoonGal you raise several good points. Firstly, 'everyone struggles, be kind.' I couldn't agree with you more on this one. 

And the other point you have highlighted for me is that some people don't mind letting the conversation meander a bit, whereas others don't. We're all different and have different prefences, and I think it's really helpful to let people know what your preferences are. If people don't know what your prefences are, then it's difficult to know what bothers each other. 

One thing that came to mind that I'd like to get other forumites (hehe love that word ) views on, is 'post-regret' - when you post something, and then in hindsite wish you didn't. Perhaps you may feel you have over shared, or perhaps you feel you said something that you're ashamed off. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

@PeppiPatty @MoonGal @Appleblossom @chookmojo @Mazarita @Chris @Former-Member @CannonSalt

[CannonSalt]

Actually, so far, when I've had post-regret, I've experienced a lot of support here.

[PeppiPatty]

Like the words take time let the issue settle
Don't take things personally don't mKe things personal

Are two pointers I'm gathering up and taking away as well as my over sensetive soul.

Three women of older middle age have been ' nasty,' to me. My mother in law, my hairdressers wife and a neighbour.
Then of course my h had a tantrum at the supermarket.
I feel so overwhelmed.

[Former-Member]

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[CherryBomb]

You raise good points @Former-Member. Something are easier said than done. 

I like the ideas you put forward about having an 'ignore' or 'block' function. I'm an I.T. person so don't know how easy it is to add things like that on this site. But I will look into it with our I.T. team next week. 

[MoonGal]

@Former-Member - I am really sad you might think you don't 'qualify for forum life' what qualifies us? Living with an MI i think. I love talking to you and reading your thoughtful posts and lived experience.

I really apprecaite that you would be so honest as to say about some people not knowing they are being triggered, or "identifying the issue not the person". In a way these comments you are referring to by @CherryBomb - are a bit more like peer to peer practitioner language than general forumite language. 

I do think though - that people learn in all sorts of ways - and while the language might be framing concepts like "being triggered" and "identifying the issue not the person" even discussing them can put the concept in front of people in a non-threateneing way, and maybe add tools to the toolkit we all use to get by in our (often messed up) world. No matter what state we are in, if we can step back enough to see the issue (not the person) it is a life skill that helps across the board in our day to day interactions with our families, practioners etc. Maybe there is another way to say this that is less jargonistic or practioner-like though? 

I know I am triggered by mentions of CSA (the nightly news for the past 4 years has been a nightmare with all the Royal Commisions) and injustice, power-over or manipulation. I call it The Button Push. So maybe it is helpful to see it written down in a post about managing on the forums? I dunno, i just saw Cherrybomb's post as a general discussion - having only recently (last two weeks) joined the forums, and jumped right in, disclosing all sorts of stuff! <eeek> I saw it as a way to generally create a safe environment for those of us who are participating at a deeper level.

[CherryBomb]

Thanks @MoonGal for your post. I honestly couldn't have said it better, and you have raised something that I've not thought about lately, which is that I need to be mindful of using practitioner-language. We're all learning on here together. 

@Former-Member I hope we see more of you on here. @MoonGal has aptly questioned: what makes someone quality for forum life? I agree with @MoonGal - anyone affected by MI who's wanting to have a yarn. 

The intention of my post was to hear from others how we, as a community, can create a safe environment, so that people can feel comfortable to share personal information. 

[Appleblossom]

There are some great points on this thread.

I often have different triggers to other people ...eg the CSA Royal Commission on the news has felt validating and a way of informing my son about issues relevant to our family without having to say it myself though we also have turned it off as we both had enough at times.

Do I have post share regret ... irl or on the forum ... I am so over it ...

for a while I felt concerned about some aspects of my life effect my earning and career potential and tried to be discrete. But then I ended up putting a lot of effort into other people's children and some of the grown ups really werent that mature .. do I really want to do this etc ... help the rich kids get ahead etc. So have backed away from teaching a little .. I want to keep my passion for it and not get jaded ... so a small studio will do.

If people have rejected me for superficial reasons then I really am better off without them in my life making their little narrowminded points ... to pierce my soul.

Do I have shame about my life ... not really any more ... I lived in too much shame and enforced secrecy for a long time.

I also try to distinguish between confidentiality re others and myself.

At the moment, in the last year, in many of my social encounters, as general awareness of MI is improving, I can hold back my persoanl story and only reveal when the o0ther person has revealed something first ... and then share a similar or related story ...

In the past that was simply not possible, the taboos about too many things were deeply ingrained.

A lot of my issues have not really been about my behaviours but about those around me ... yes I do still bite my nails ... and yes that shows anxiety and isnt fastastic grooming .. but it isnt that big a deal in the scheme of things.

I started to share on the forum to just get to the points of what I felt the forums should address.  I have felt validated a great deal by other posters and the mods.  I realise that others may peruse the site but choose not to share at the same level ... but I have always been a bit avant guard ... that is the nature of it.

[Mazarita]

"...when you post something, and then in hindsite wish you didn't. Perhaps you may feel you have over shared, or perhaps you feel you said something that you're ashamed off. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?"

From the number of people who have mentioned feeling this way in discussions on the forum, I'd guess it is a fairly common experience and one I certainly share. Perhaps it is part of forum life that we may get these anxieties from time to time about revealing ourselves so intimately. Maybe just knowing this is helpful.

If I've shared very personal material that I don't feel comfortable about I will first of all take time out to let my thoughts and feelings about it settle. I've personally never asked for a post to be deleted but I wouldn't hesitate to do that if I really felt I'd said too much.

Mostly I just remind myself that the forum is anonymous, that it generally seems helpful to me to engage with discussions here and that almost always what I've encountered in return is support and kindness. Once I remember these things, any anxiety about what I've posted mostly drops away. Leaving a feeling of gratitude for companionship and mutual support with everyone I meet here.