-Enigma-

[Appleblossom]

Yes it was. Teresa Avila's language was very outdated, but I still find the central concept valid and useful when things are turbulent.

I suggested the same thing for my son, but I think he knew he needed my help.  so asked me to stop mentioning it. He wants to live together for at least 2 years.  He has just turned my pantry upside down and is going ketogenic.  :Went shopping for bacon and eggs ... sigh ... but at least he is researching making health decisions and funding it a bit himself ...I can cope with and respect that ...  we will see ... long term ....

How has she responded to the idea of you buying a place before?  

I would hold off selling for a while cos of all the work of moving and the loss. You have just got there and she probably is curious about living there with you.  

Boundaries about how she can live and what she can do. Expect adult contributions in a range of life areas. There may be difficult times, but remove all support for "using" type behaviours. 

It is so hard.

.

[Former-Member]

So glad to get a post from you @outlander - I am really struggling at the moment.

A few people suggested that she apply for government housing. This would be ideal if possible as she does have a mental condition and would be entitled. But there is a ten year waiting list.

I haven't cried like this for ages. I hav bearded many storms - but I think I have reached my tether with her and what she puts us through. I love her but this is a result of her choices - not mine. Where do I draw the line?

I am crying also because this dream home, friends and life's is something myself and husband worked and suffered very much for. I can't tell you what we went through to get here - and she is threatening it. I may have to sell - I can't make her homeless and because of her violatile and disrespectful nature when she is like this, she won't be accepted where we are going. I know this. What choice do I have my friend. I feel shattered.

So sorry to post like this - you know it's bad when I do because I can tolerate so much when afflicted and still see the good. But tonight I have hit a brick wall - I am just so over it......It has been going on for too long. Thanks for listening to me vent. It means a lot as I have no one hear to talk about it. I can't worry my husband....

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom - I have never mentioned to her that I would buy her a house before as I have been advised not to. As she is a taker......But I am at my wits end. I would have to put it in trust or my name as she would lose it either to debt, substance abuse or her partner, who is bringing her down. I couldn't trust it in her name. Everyone is saying to let her stand on her own feet....but I am so wanting my peace........I will have to think on it more when I adjust.

I remember finding the Interiors Castle very helpful years ago - I will have to read it again. I need to protect my inner peace right now - can one have it and then it flys out the window? I am surprised by my own reaction - I think I have reached the end of my tolerance.

It is hard - she is a user and allows herself to be used. Her selfishness is getting to me right now. That is the difficult part, she agrees to boundaries and she was improving. But now that agreement seems to be out the window. When she loses it she doesn't seem to care about boundaries. That is why we can't live together. When she settles I will be telling her that.

Its good to hear your son is pitching in for the food and making healthy choices. That's a good sign. My daughter eats all our food too and doesn't contribute. She is in debt but that was her doing against our sound advice. Sorry Appleblossom, I really didn't mean to go ape ball on you all. I didn't see this coming. Thank you for being there. It really helps to voice this as I have other way of doing it.

[outlander]

@Former-Member im hearing  you lovely, i dont mind listening to you at all 💔 i can feel your pain from here. I dont think it would be right for you to sell. Its already shattering you, youve had to sacrifice  more than your fair share. Its not fair on your or your hubby one bit.. 

With the housing- she mightnt have to wait for 10 yrs because she could be classed as urgent. Id reccomend her ringing or even you ringing up more anonymously and just getting some help and advice from your local office. Shared housing might be on the cards...  ( not a homeless shelter but a shared accomodation with housemates) If she doesnt get paid, centrelink  can help with that for the time being... and if she goes on what i was on they offer training services, and help you to get  job. Some even offer aged care nursing courses and get you a job after you  graduate. 

I would expect your husband to be worrying already. With the bond you have with each other im sure  hes noticed your  chabges happening atm. 

[Former-Member]

💜💜💜💜 @Former-Member

I’m so sorry to read what’s happening. 

Glad you can vent here. I just don’t know what to say right now. 

Except, no way sell your dream home. 

Hi @outlander 💜

thanks re info re editing 

will have to look into that. 😮

[Former-Member]

I think you are right about my husband @outlander. He is staying away as he is probably struggling too....he is under the same strain. That worries me with his cancer.... It just can't go on.

That was interesting what you said about govt housing. I will see what I can learn. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was also awhile back diagnosed with bi-polar and PTSD - but then they come back with PBD. It gets confusing. My GP believes it to be bi-polar - I think it's both. 

I am feeling shattered. Was just holding it together well for my friends and now this. She keeps doing this to us @outlander. You are very wise in what you posted - it can't go on. I can't keep being hurt like this. I can't lose my dream home - I have earned that well and truly. And I can't try any harder or do any better than I have been. I need to deep breathe - hopefully things will look better tomorrow. Experience tells me it can get better - but it has to happen fast as we are selling soon. I am under enormous pressure. Thank you for being there - it has really helped.

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @Former-Member

Just being there helps me. Thank you. I can understand the loss for words as it's a very difficult situation. I agree - I shouldn't have to sell my dream home. It's not right. Am feeling forced in a corner at the moment - I want my peace back so much. I was starting to feel good. I won't make any decisions now and see what can be worked out. Thanks for your support - means a lot. I am really alone here as I can't talk like this to anyone I know. I have friends but they would not understand this. 

I am going down to cook tea now - will pop back on later. Thank you everyone @outlander@Former-Member@Appleblossom for your much needed kindness and help. X ❤️

[Appleblossom]

Dont worry about telling it as it is  @Former-Member

I am sorry that kids get themselves in such bad places when it is not necessary. 

Its just a crazy world we live in.  

I told my son as an experiment and I would have followed through if he wanted to go that way.  

Maybe it is not a good idea for your girl then, so dont mention it.

Maybe dig your heels and stay in your beautiful new home.

You and your partner are both vulnerable and do not need another move.

Mothers can be taken on rides and it is not nice or good even for the taker. 

I have used hard drugs and stopped since I was 21. It is possible.  Plenty people do. Challenge her in that direction.  Challenge, challenge.  Boundary. Reduce what you offer, so that she has to come up to the plate.  Buy food she is not likely to eat, or lots broccoli.  Its so hard cos we dont want to push them over the edge.

Have you called her out on being a taker? AND explained that it is maladaptive .. as nobody else will want to be used either.  

[outlander]

Both you and him arent that well @Former-Member and this stress definently isnt helping either of you at all.

I have bpd and ptsd as well so can probably relate to her. I actually just had a thought- has she tried DBT before? It helps to control thoughts and emotions in a more healthy way. I wonder if your daughter keeps going back to the creep out of fear of abandonment? It might seem out of the ordinary to suggest but for me its like latching on and then the fear of everyone leaving so you cling to that person. Might be the same for her too but its not a very healthy thing eap when the person is toxic.
Sorry thats abit of a ramble.


No, and you shouldnt have to loose your dream home. Perhaps you can put things on the back bench until tuesday when more can be looked into... housing and centrelink both have a site however i think it might be too overwhelming for right now.

Lovely you do need to breathe, just take a few slow deep breathes, go make a cup of tea and sit- do you think you could do that for me?

[outlander]

Hi @Former-Member ❣ i hope it works for you. I kept gwtting frustrated. You need to edit it on your phone or computer first and then upload it