-Enigma-

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member - my dear husband has taken over the cooking as he could tell I wasn't myself. My daughter has no idea the extent she hurts me. I put up a strong front to calm and help her often. When I think about it I never have told anyone in my life that they hurt me. I have difficulty expressing this. I think that comes from a fear of being vulnerable from my childhood. I don't like being vulnerable. I think you brought up a good point - I will have to sit down and work out what to say to her when she has calmed on her meds, and make this clearer to her. To be honest the thought of doing this makes me nervous. Something to work on.

I feel much calmer now. Can't tell you how the help from you @outlander and @Appleblossom helped me tonight. I was thinking twice about mentioning it as I did not want to burden anyone. But it really has helped me collect my thoughts. Thank you my lovely. xxxx

[outlander]

Your more than welcome @Former-Member its hard to reachout for help bur we are always here for you 💙

[Former-Member]

It’s fine and I’m glad to be here for you. 

I feel the same about seeking support. 

@Former-Member

Sorry it makes you feel nervous about telling daughter how her behaviour hurts you. 

Only do so if/when you feel comfortable. 

I don’t have a problem telling my daughter. 

Comes from my upbringing of feeling used. Can’t cope being used or hurt anymore. 

But I do hope you will feel able to say something, if it feels right for you. 

Good on your hubby. 

Is he a good cook?

❤️

[Appleblossom]

Actually 2 Catt team members told me I should let my son feel some concrete on the street last year.

Then another psych said in front of son that my son's recent problem was because of me.  Which was an inordinate stretch in blame shifting. When are 25 year olds responsible for their actions.  

As mum's we never get off.

emotional blackmail is emotional blackmail ... let her know that some health professionals think allowing homelessness is a natural form of growing up for the slow learners.

my son is making some good choices so I am not going to react to every bit of emotional blackmail that comes from his mouth ... I can be disciplined in being nonreactive ..but at some point it needs to be said.

Help her make accomodation decisions ... but that is what they are .. unpack the logic ... if she fails to act .. then it is her making herself homeless.  Her action needs to start soon ... though full outcome might take longer (month?) ... you will be kind and patient.

I chose homelessness when I was 16 ..(tho not when I was 6) I am behind that decision still .. it saved my life.. different circumstances... emotional blackmailing about it is BS. I slept on the grass across from the art gallery and the current concert hall. Lawn is softer than concrete. Then I went about putting a roof over my head.  So it kind of feels familiar and my home turf. I can have secret smile about way back when I was a teen now I am enjoying those areas in a more salubrious manner.

[Former-Member]

Hello again @Appleblossom@Former-Member@outlander

I am feeling much calmer now - thanks largely to all of you. You helped me worked through my distress so well. Helped me to answer a few questions in my mind. Am now enjoying a cuppa presently as my husband has taken over cooking realising that I was not myself this evening. He gave me a knowing hug. He is so strong.

I can't sell my dream house - it means too much to me. It's taken us too much to get here. Thank you for making me realise this. My peace at this stage of my life means so much to me. Do you all feel like that? It's now or never for me, and both myself and husband have earned it.

She has gone back to the boyfriends house just now but back again tomorrow  - she came for some food tonight. She knows I am not happy. At least she took her medication - it helps her. I know now I could never live with her - I didn't think she could still upset me like that, but she can.

@Appleblossom - you touched on an important point - it is hard because we don't want to push them OverTheEdge but we also can't enable them. That is the hard art to define and get right at times. I value others then as wen emotional or shocked (as tonight) I cannot think straight either and your advice was very appreciated

 @outlander - your suggestions of accommodation and employment training I will pass on to her - a lot of that I did not know. Thank you - it could just be the answer

And @Former-Member - I need to let her know how badly she is effecting me without making her feel like I am giving up on her. So many great suggestions that have made me feel so much more confident on dealing with this now. Thank you sooo much as my head was spinning..... The pressure is really on and I have to make decisions quick as we are selling soon - and I know now she can't come with us.

I can't tolerate being hurt or used either @Former-Member - I usually move away....But I think you brought up an important point, I need to communicate this better to people. It does make me uncomfortable but I need to learn to do this - it may improve the relationship with my daughter. 

Its such a comforting feeling to know I have such good friends here, thank you ladies. I am always here for you too. Sending lots of love xxxxx ❤️ Enigma

[outlander]

@Former-Member ❤
So glad your feeling calmer and your hubby knows even without words. I had a feeling he would.
Im glad despite the shake up you still have abit of clarity of what to do.
Hugs and hugs 😘

[Former-Member]

Hi @outlander - he did know. I feel I can breathe now - my distress levels were high. I have not seen her like that for awhile. You could relate to her well - but I think she can be a lot more violatile...that is probably as a result of lifestyle. I don't think she knows what she is doing at times....I now know I can't live with her, so will have abit of researching what you mentioned to do. It's getting tenser as the deadline gets closer. Hope your evening is relaxing - hope I didn't upset it too much xxx

[outlander]

You havent upset me or my evening @Former-Member not now or ever ❤ if i didnt want to be here i wouldnt but you mean alot to me.
Im glad to hear your distress levels are back down now

[Former-Member]

Good to hear you’re feeling calmer and having a cuppa @Former-Member

I’m having an Earl Grey ☕️

Your hubby sounds like a lovely person. 

[Former-Member]

It definitely is emotional blackmail when my daughter does that @Appleblossom - it really can do my head in. It's true - as mothers we never do get off and become an easy blaming target at times. They are adults now and responsible for their actions otherwise they will never learn. A friend said to me once "what would your daughter do if you and your husband were no longer here?". That made me think - we are doing her no favours by allowing her to walk all over us again. It's time to lay it all out for her.

You are a strong person @Appleblossom coming from the streets to making a home and life for yourself. You have come through so much....I am so happy to know you. You have been a great help to me tonight - I was needing a friend and there you @Former-Member@outlander were. Thank you ❤️