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-Enigma-

Re: Over The Edge

Hi @Former-Member .....

Since the ocpd diagnosis my husband has been trying really hard to not be so controlling over our son .... but it is a struggle, because it's a personality disorder, which means he has to go into battle against himself .... and it's only that he has been told that it is damaging to his son that he will listen.  Even then, in the absence of any other tools, he is losing patience and over-riding into that comtrolling behaviour pattern again when he can't cope with, say, S2 running us late for an appointment, or refusing to come to a family occasion that involves only us going out somewhere to eat.  He has no default .... it's his way or his way .....

Still, it seems to have stopped most of the raging .... although even this feels as though he has been "cuffed" by the presence of the pdoc in S2's life now .... we have a policing agent on board and he knows he can be reported on.

He also told D3 that the pdoc called him "too controlling" but me "absent" .... yeah, right .... I am not absent from my family, just needing to make myself absent from WH's incessant Regimen.  Guess where he is now ??  Out jogging .... couldn't wait to get home from the movies with the kids .... couldn't stop into the shop for 10mins to pick up dinner ingredients .... cos he had to get home to go jogging.  Why ?  Because it was going to go dark ?  No .... he comes home in the dark anyway .... tell me how ten minutes could make the difference ....

WH is not dangerous to us at this stage, but we don't know what the effect would be of raising his e.d. behaviour openly in therapy sessions, and I have been told by an e.d. counsellor that this is psychologically dangerous, and perhaps physically as well .... and yet S2's pdoc told me to do exactly that  .... "discuss it with my husband, then put it out on the table" ..... hello ????? !!  I had just told him that my husband has no insight into his illness .... how is it possible to discuss it with him ?? :face_with_rolling_eyes:😡

I spent 8 years trying to do that and it resulted in increasingly abisive behaviour and chaos-creating in response.  Now because the pdoc asks me to discuss it with him, I'm gonna get through ??  Not when it's anosognosia, you can't, and it sounds like that is part of your daughter's condition too.

I have to wait for a specialist to tell the specialist what I can and can't do .... and I have to dance around the anosognosia waving flags and hoping enough of what I am alluding to gets through to the therapists for them to work it out .... and then feel awful that they put me through that ... in hindsight.  

Meantime my dancing around and flag waving is making WH more steely cold and hostile towards me at home .... grrrr .... gahhhhh .... !

I think your situation has breached, that is a major difference.  I don't jpknow what it is going to be like when ours does.  I think it has to happen for WH as a result of a health crisis and / or in hospital.

Still walking in the dark here, baby step by baby step.

💜

Re: Over The Edge

@Former-Member HeartHeartHeart

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Over The Edge

@Zoe7 💜🌹🤗 - thank you. I hope you are feeling better. Have been thinking about you 💕xx

@Faith-and-Hope - hello my dear friend. Thanks for the post - again I read with interest. We are both really living with "ticking time bombs". It's a difficult way to live when we have to wait "for the inevitable tragic circumstance" for something to be done. A horrible way to live. I sympthaise with you as I go through the same. The anxiety it causes me is sometimes a bit too much. That's when I can get scared. I just have to keep convincing myself all will work out. But it really is against the odds isn't it? But thinking any other way is going to  be detrimental.

It would be frustrating that your husband can't give some of his energy to spend more time with his family or at least help out with shopping etc when needed rather than jogging into the wilderness. When you spoke of that it triggered my memory that my daughter use to do exactly the same just over a year ago. She would jog at all times of the day and night and was obsessive when it came to the gym and weight training. She would also be constantly riding the treadmill or lifting weights at home. And she barely ate much - was vegan and picked like a rabbit. She had a body image problem but also very high anxiety. When I asked her why she did it she once said "it stops me going crazy".

She has since let that go and is substituting this obsession with high risk drug taking. I don't know if your husband has addiction issues but they do have similarities. It's the drug taking and her associations that have made her dangerous and put us in potential harms way. And we do live in a good neighbour - it's what she has attracted. And she is sociopathic - on top of having a mood disorder (bi-polar) and over a year ago was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which seems to have evolved to sociopathy. Not that I am a expert - but through living with her highly intuitive into her condition.

She has lost some grasp on reality - possibly due mainly to drugs. But she is also is high denial. It's hard to know if and when she has lost total insight because she is a habitual liar. She has point blank looked me in the face only yesterday and said she doesn't touch drugs! She is highly addicted to many varieties and we have written and verbal proof - yet she keeps denying it when she knows she takes them. I think if she admitted it to us she would have to deal with it? Not sure, but her denial is strong. This part of their persona when it comes to lack of insight and denial is so hard to work out. Because they start to believe their own lies and thoughts.

I totally understand your "absence" from your partners controlling regime. I have made myself absent from my daughter for the same reason. It's called self preservation - and is wise. We can't allow them to bring us too down or we will be good for nobody or nothing. Being around them too long could make one feel like they are going crazy. When she has the odd moment when she needs me - (i.e. Has experienced damage to her body from drugs), she becomes very anxious and runs to us. Only to give us the cold shoulder the very next day. My daughter is ice cold. But the main factor with this disorder is simply "it's all about her". We don't matter. And she has zero empathy. Is your husband like that? That's what I can't accept - not the mental issues. And it's very sad - as she will never form loving relations whilst like that. To me that based on poor selfish choices - it certainly is with our daughter. But the consequences can effect them mentally. That's the confusing part to which came first. Those of us who live with them will work it out better than any professional in my experience. But they desperately need professional help. I wish your husband would seek it for his family's sake, if not his own. As when it comes to hitting rock bottom that forces them to seek help the whole family suffers. But I also understand that we can't make this happen. 

The mental effects on me are showing. And being disabled partially now unable to do much has deepened my depression; my anxiety is starting to pop up again but not that bad yet. I have always stood by and still do, that keeping busy is a very effective way of coping with mental distress and life on a whole - it keeps depression at bay. Isolation and not keeping the body and mind active feeds mental illness. But when ill this becomes harder to do. And having been in bed the last 5 days is making my motivation less to do so. A vicious cycle that is now getting me down.

Do you find keeping busy helps? What do you find does help you to cope with the distress of your situation? It must be lonely for you @Faith-and-Hope. Are your children supportive or do you attempt to shield them from it? I hope you have someone there you can talk to. And I will always be here for you. Talking here helps me but keeping busy doing postive things is what can save me. Together with love and friendship. Nothing means anything to me without the latter to. I find others are at a loss of what to do to help in our situation - and they have their own woes. I know this may sound crazy but I am afraid of losing total fervour and of my soul dying. Yes, I am in a very bad way. I have dragged myself out of the dark before - I have to find that innermost strength again. Say a prayer for me. Keep the candle aflame..

I had a mild irritating intervention with my daughter this morning - as usual she was doing something I asked her not to do again. She blurted "go away as I don't need your bull&!@? right now", to which I replied "I think you have that wrong - it's your constant bull&$@? that I am totally over". She said nothing and I walked away. I am reaching that point and mentioned to her last night - "it's a good thing you are saving as you will need it soon when you move". She claims she is going to, but it never seems to happen. I am more afraid now of her being around me than of losing her. 

She went out today. We found out she was going to her "ex abusive boyfriends ex best mates house". That explained everything. The ex best mate is a "diagnosed dangerous sociopath". That was the last straw for me. I don't want this around me anymore. She made her choice.

Ofcourse I may come undone if any harm was to come to her. But I can't keep living like this.

Hope you are all having a good day. @Former-Member@Maggie - hope you are both well.

Re: Over The Edge

My WH has moments of empathy @Former-Member, but not towards me. This last week began out cycle again of me speaking out about his behaviour, being careful not to mention red flags like "eating disorder" and "chew-spit" and raised our family dynamic as "troubled" for the last "eight years" ..... which made it clear to him that I am against the regimen that we are tollersting in the house ..... making it clear it was tollersnce, not acceptance, which he may have believed was starting to happen .... so I am back in adversary territory. In ocpd thinking, that means I am not deserving of empathy.

Staying busy is essential, otherwise I would probably curl up in a ball and depression would take over. It is important to try to put yourself outside of their pronblem ..... and do something about where they make their problem your problem as much as you can, then go back to sidelining it again and making your life about your personal goals instead.

This, of course, is coming across as selfish of me to WH ......

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Over The Edge


@Faith-and-Hope wrote:

Staying busy is essential, otherwise I would probably curl up in a ball and depression would take over. It is important to try to put yourself outside of their pronblem ..... and do something about where they make their problem your problem as much as you can, then go back to sidelining it again and making your life about your personal goals instead.

This, of course, is coming across as selfish of me to WH ......


Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. I think that is what is happening to me to a small degree - curling up in a ball. I am use to fighting battles of the mind - but losing my independence is new as I have always been fit and strong that way. And I don't know how to cope or accept these new limitations. My old methods of coping I can't utilise. That is making me feel more vulnerable and less able to cope presently.

So I have to reinvent my goals to very limited ones - frustrating.

How you described your husband's reaction is exactly how my daughter reacts. Pointing out what they are doing and not giving into their demands, what they want, is essential so they don't become more empowered in what they are doing, which will make them worse. You cop the flak as I do and I know that cold shoulder treatment. But keep subtedly and with the right timing - point out the truth of the behaviour and that although presently tolerated not acceptable. Then the boundaries are being drawn as without them it could get ugly. This is actually good for your husband - your his eyes at the moment but I do know the strain, stress and hurt occurred. And it's like talking to a brick wall. It really is up to them.

I will keep rereading your post about making my life about my personal goals without being sidelined. As that is what has been constantly occurring this year - I am being sidelined to the point that I can't get back on track now. I have to fight this depression. Thank you for the wonderful insight @Faith-and-Hope It has put my focus back on the right place - now comes the hard task. Doing it.

You don't have a selfish bone in your body. You are a strong wise person who is not going to lay down and die. You choose life. Don't change. I am so glad we are talking here....lots of love xxx❤️

Re: Over The Edge

@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope My heart goes out to both of you, life certainly issues out its challenges. Sending warm wishes, stay safe.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Over The Edge

Life certainly can @Maggie. Thank you for your kind thoughts and support to us. Hope your day is going along better. Hugs 💜🌹🤗xx

Re: Over The Edge

That's the thing @Former-Member ..... with Anosognosia you can't keep trying to point out his behaviours ...... it is translated as attacking him, so he attacks back ......

I worked that. I hope out, and it was confirmed any an e.d. specialist ..... not as a diagnosis, but as a confirmation that if Anosognosia is there, this is the pattern of behaviour that ensues ..... and that is absolutely what we have got.

So we are held hostage to this situation until we can flag down help. Exposing the extent of it openly is dangerous ..... so raising the toned down version in front of the family therapist the other day was enough to re-engage a Cold War, but not the more invasive abusinve behaviours ..... but whether it is enough for them to act on, I don't know. He needs to be investigated personally, and to do that, they have to find just cause. At the moment it is just appearing to be a family problem.

Patience, patience, patience ......

Re: Over The Edge

Me too @Maggie .....💐💕
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Over The Edge


@Faith-and-Hope wrote:
That's the thing @Former-Member ..... with Anosognosia you can't keep trying to point out his behaviours ...... it is translated as attacking him, so he attacks back ......

Patience, patience, patience ......

I do understand what you mean by your husband translating it to an attack and attacks back - my daughter does do the same. So there could be Anosognosia present to some degree with her too. Our GP said that she has a form of psychosis mixed with poor life choices. Difference with her is she knows she is lying to me about the drugs. Confusing.

I think you are right that it's then letting them know that although tolerated to some degree, (I don't tolerate my daughter at all now because of the drugs etc but that's a different scenario), the behaviour is not acceptable because of the harm it is creating. I think you are handling this really well. 

When you say your family is held hostage till you can flag down help - do you mean professional medical help? And to do that he would need to be investigated. Do you mean a non-voluntary mental health assessment?

I can understand you not wanting to push the triggers to invasive abusive treatments. Do you mean violent outbursts? Patience is what I need more of, it's a long suffering situation isn't it. Like me, you have been going through this for years. I hope you don't have to wait much longer. Sincerely, it would make me so happy to read that your family can enjoy a harmonious environment once again. I want this so much for mine as well. I believe this will happen in time for us as something will have to give eventually.

My daughter did this once (violence) four years ago and broke my husband's ribs - I intervened only to be head butted to save his life. And I did. I did put her out then straight away and put an AVO on her. She stayed in a refugee for awhile but ended up asking to come home. She seemed changed. She hasn't done it since as she knows I would put her straight out again. She did try to be better on and off for awhile but seems to fall back into her old ways and now has descended upon a very self destructive and dangerous path. That's made me draw a line in the sand encouraging her to move. 

We have purchased a house by the sea (it feel through initially but we are now back into the processing of buying it again). The new house will be built in 12-18 months times and I have told her she can't come with us. I am hoping she finds accommodation in this time as the thought of her being homeless can drive me to despair. This is where I see "a no way out situation". But with hope and determination that way out has to come. For us both soon I hope.

I am planning on visiting my friend tomorrow as I am going crazy in bed. And may go for a short walk. Then I am back to my volunteer work on Wednesday which should be interesting. It won't be easy but am keen to get back into life 😊

 

 

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