I am struggling at the moment

[outlander]

@Teej

[Former-Member]

Hey @Teej,

When you say 'self medicated' this concerns me. I'm sending you an email.

When needing to medicate it is important to always do so in line with your medical professionals such as a GP. 

I hope the night was okay and you are waking up to a slightly sunnier day.

[Teej]

****dark post about suicide

Am sorry and thankful at the same time. I completely flipped over something stupid yesterday afternoon. Last night I was so angry I didn’t care about anything. I knew it was a terrible time to suicide as it would really impact those I love even more as it would stop some of them achieving big milestones just now. At one point I was so selfish and justified it by saying why should I care I will be dead and not be here to see it. I’m so ashamed that I thought that. It’s when I did what I needed to and came on here to make sure those selfish moments didn’t win. 

So sorry for the dark post. I’m ok today, not good but ok and going to see my therapist I am still fueled by lots of extreme emotions. Nothing more to say. No one needs to respond but this was just a response to say thanks for the support and I’ll try to work on things. @Former-Member, @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope, @Sans911 (and @CheerBear under the lsupport button). I really don’t want to bring anyone else down with me. I may stay away for a bit. My human has gone again for now and sh rage is in control for most of the time 🤬. 

@outlander I really love that pic 💜

hugs to all 💜🤗

[outlander]

@Teej 💜 💜 💜

[CheerBear]

 Big huge love you with what you're going through at the moment @Teej.

Big flips can be so tricky. What you said about the thought you had of not caring as you wouldn't be there to see it, I really felt when I read. It's the very thought I have when I'm having a really, really hard time. It's my knee jerk response to silly questions like "what about the kids?" that people ask with what I imagine is good intentions, but little understanding of the guilt and shame that is usually already there that doesn't need to be added to. It's the big scary one for me.

I have felt the pain of shame that comes after that thought too. It's yuck. For me it makes me feel like I'm the worst person ever, and that I am a terrible parent for thinking that way. Today I am having a good day and I know I am not a terrible person for thinking that way sometimes, and I am not the worst parent ever. I hurt and get stuck and want out of it, and sometimes the only out I can see at the time is that one. In a way I guess things like SI are a form of escape for me and I get why escape is tempting when things are so hard.

With you Teej, really glad you did what you needed to do to get through ❤

[Teej]

Thanks @CheerBear for sharing your me too moment. 

I had an appointment with my therapist that didn’t go as planned and has hit me again but I’m ok. 

Everything feels like it is coming from all directions at the moment testing me. I am so lost and confused as to how I go forwards from here. 

Now that ive had a woe is me post I might say thank you for your post and I’m glad you are through this bit. I hope your day has had some sunshine and flowers in it. 

[Teej]

Hey @CheerBear. Thought I’d share my very very banana head day although this is an injustice to bananas. And for anyone else who wants to read about my banana head day.

Could not get going this this morning if my life depended on it. Was spinning in circles. 

Took meds had two coffees to no avail.

Last minute mad rush to get to therapist because I lost track of time. No shower. 

In car I realised I left my handbag home. Only walked out with keys and phone. Hadn’t brushed my hair or cleaned my teeth, then remembered I hadn’t put deodorant on either. Managed to find chewies and spare deodorant in the glove box 😊.......and an old hair brush I use as a dog brush. Cleaned that out and used it :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. Went to the bank to get money out as I hadn’t paid her for 9 weeks (only small amount but it adds up). Did the maths and then wasn’t thinking and pressed the wrong amount. I was short but had just paid a $2:80 atm fee so didn’t pay her in full 😬🤦‍♀️. On the way home I had a really dry mouth and realised I’d taken my meds twice this morning......two coffees, two lots of meds :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. Son rang me to borrow the car at a certain time. Did a food shop in a daze and completely lost track of time and had to ring him to sort out other arrangements. 😳🤦‍♀️ Had scripts to fill on way home, no handbag, no scripts :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. I’m hoping tomorrow is less mashed banana head. 

My mood is swinging wildly from tears to anger to hopelessness but im surviving. I hope your day has been ok. For now it’s not like last night so that’s a win. 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Oh no @Teej! Sounds like you went full banana today! I had a bit of a giggle at the hairbrush/dog brush. Seriously though, it sounds like you did really well with it all. It isn't easy to do much of anything with a banana brain. And points always can be given for trying 🙂

Not like last night is a great win, as is surviving 👍

Really good to hear from you tonight and thank you for sharing. That gave me lots of feels (and some giggles) 😊 ❤

[Teej]

Lol i couldn’t even get the saying right @CheerBear. Banana BRAIN. In my case smashed banana brain. 😳😜🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[CheerBear]

I think there are a number of technical terms for it @Teej quite possibly depending on the level of banananess we're experiencing at the time 😆

I've had a mashed banana, some scrambled eggs, a melted snowflake and possibly a fireball from a volcano in my head at times - I understood 😁