I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

[Former-Member]

I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful, @outlander, but I want to thank you for standing up for that horse. Anyone who stands up for animals is an absolute hero in my eyes. You are amazing. I wish you could see that. 🌷

[outlander]

thanks @Former-Member im really not that person but it seems the only 2 things that really get me mad are bullies and animal cruelty. 

[Queenie]

I agree with @Former-Member. Thank you for standing up for the horse @outlander. I think I would've done the same thing as you. I remember I caught someone being cruel to my horses and I saw red. I was so angry! I made sure they were punished. I'm glad you didn't lose your job because of putting the horse's needs first. 

You're a hero to animals! 

Don't forget what a wonderful person you are! Anyone who is a hero to animals has my unwavering respect!

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @outlander,

I am trying to catch up on your story but I'm a bit confused. What have you done that makes you feel like you are a monster? From what I can see, you stood up to someone who was abusing an animal and you let them know that that is not ok. Is that why you feel you're a monster? That doesn't really make sense to me.

[Former-Member]

@outlandersis 

Firstly, well done for standing up for that horse, stuff the owner, they don't deserve their horse. Did I ever tell you that growing up I had two horses!!

Secondly, you need to give yourself a break. It seems a lot of "what if's" are happening at the moment.  I have a lot of what if's from my CSA's. One in particular but now is not the time to tell that story.

You cannot change what happened in the past, and however much you beat yoursefl up for it, it is not going to chnage what happened. 

I know that this is all easier said than done because I struggle with the "what if's" to. So maybe I need to take some of my own advice too!!!

[outlander]

thanks @Queenie one good thing i guess. i jsut cant see it. im seeing the darkness that fills me. it lingers and creeps in like smoke. i cant get rid of it today. my ptsd is really making the most of it. 

sorry @Phoenix_Rising got 2 convos running. i worked out the animal creulty thing and didnt loose my job over it. the reason i think im a monster is becasue of the dog incident. i alwasy said i would be there to protect my sisters and the day she needed me i froze and couldnt do anything and now im paying the price for it

[outlander]

no @Former-Member they dont but i cant do much about that.  im glad you had the opportunity to have horses. im sure they had the best care unlike this one. 

i know i cant look back but this haunts me every single day of my life and so does the csa but right now this is the worst one. the entire reason i started therapy in the first place. 

i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to give up. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

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The reason i think im a monster is becasue of the dog incident. i alwasy said i would be there to protect my sisters and the day she needed me i froze and couldnt do anything and now im paying the price for it

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@outlander So...does this mean that if someone here in Forum Land was to share with you that they had behaved in a similar way in a similar situation, you would think they were a monster too?

[Owlunar]

I replied to your post @outlander and it has been taken out or got lost or something

I understand how you feel and why you feel - and you feel bad enough and that is punishment enough

Personally - I think you do well with your life - it's the way you feel that is the really hard part

And I am so sorry about that and I really care about your - I spend a lot of time thinking about your

Dec

[Sans911]

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For not being the sister i promised i would be. I promised i would always be there to keep them safe. My youngest sister trusted me and i didnt trust my instincts. Why cant i be fine like her. She isnt scared. She doesnt have nightmares about it. All kids have nightmares but thats often after a scary movie which is normal.
Why didnt i move my damn arm it wouldve got me instead. I could live with myself after that. I couldve protected her but i didnt. I didnt listen to my own instincts.
So now i should be punished for it. I deserve it

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@outlander sweetie, I think you expect far too much of yourself, and I understand that, as I am very similar. From what I know of you, you take great care of your sisters, you are protective and nuturing. But accidents happens, and in the shock of the moment, we all think we would do one thing, and we don't. Unfortunately, someone got hurt. And it wasn't your fault. At all. You don't need to be punished, so please stop punishing yourself. It seems this is where much of your anxiety stems from, and if you could learn to let go and forgive yourself, then maybe life might be a little easier. And I understand too, that words are easy to say; actions are harder to implement.

And everyone is different to equal situations, no matter if they are of the same gene pool. My brother is rational, logical and almost unflappable (except his blood pressure makes a lie of all this), where as I am completely emotional, loose my shite, loose control, take ages to cam down.

I know you had myself, @Owlunar, @Former-Member and others tell you, you are worthwhile. And we will keep telling you. But it's so difficult in the environment you are in that is neglectful and invalidating. You ARE being punished already by others neglect. You don't deserve to punish yourself. Tell that little girl inside you how much she is loved and wanted to be here. She needs to hear that. Hugs lil Sis.