I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

I'm kind of flipping it a bit at the moment so I'm writing here to try to settle panic brain. I had a psych appointment this morning and we spoke about getting a break. Psych asked for me to try again to ask for someone to help with the little crew so I could get the break, and I did and they said yes.

The next step was me sending a message to psych who will now make a CATT referral and said it would be by late this afternoon. I kind of freaked at that part, the sending the message that made me feel like I was feeding myself to the sharks even though I can see it probably isn't, part. I have just pushed send on it. I don't think it can be undone now and now I am in the place where I wait. I'm not certain whether I am waiting for a triage call or a CATT call. It should be a CATT call but "shoulds" and my experience with them aren't exactly the same thing. Last time was weeks of not OK stuff but I'm trying to remember that by the end of my break last time, we were working better together. Only a couple of weeks ago I wrote here that I wasn't so scared of them now. I'm holding on to that, or trying to.

This is different. I am not about to do anything, unlike last time where maybe I was way too close to it. This is to prevent me from getting to that place again as I see warning signs and not much helping with that. It's to reset and to recharge. It's to fix sleep and work on routine again, and give myself a chance to catch up after some bananas stuff that's been going on. I asked for it this time (and am currently wondering who I am because I wouldn't have thought I'd ever get to a place where I willingly ask for CATT assistance). I do trust psych will do the best they can to let CATT know what will help me and what won't. Maybe I can do better at this now I know what helps and what doesn't too, and with the history they also have from last time, maybe CATT can do better as well. I have learned from last time and I know a bit more about what to expect this time. This is a means to get to what can and will help. I think I know this, I just have to catch up to feeling it, because right now this feels a whole lot like there's something to be very scared of.

It feels a bit like I've just taken a leap of faith with an inside that screaming to never trust anyone or anything. Big, big breath. I really hope this was not a big mistake.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Big, big hugs @CheerBear ..... ❣️

[CheerBear]

Psych sent me a message saying the process has been started. My 'alert panic danger' radar is broken and faulty and makes things like this feel so, so scary 😞

Thank you for your hugs @Faith-and-Hope.

[Former-Member]

You've done so well to make that decision with the support of your psych @CheerBear. It feels so scary at the moment, but in time it might be just the thing to help you to get back on track. Take care of yourself 🌻

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @CheerBear ....

[Zoe7]

@CheerBear 

[Teej]

Hey @CheerBear you’ve got this. All your experiences over the past year are ones you’ve learned from and overcome and they will help so much. I know the break will help you incredibly to reset. I spent part of my session yesterday trying to find options for that too.
I so desperately want to write trust the process but I know as well as you that in that system you never know what is going to happen ....... but what I’ve learned is that once channels of communication are open with your psych and them and the CATTs realise this is proactive and helpful from the past experience it does get easier in general.
I’m so proud you’ve done this. I think the timing is great for you. Hang in there and try to focus on the break rather than the process to get there. You are doing so well. Hugs and hugs 💜🤗

[outlander]

@CheerBear 💕🌈

[Teej]

@Maggie I’m sorry you are feeling really anxious. It’s a terrible feeling when you feel like you’ve been splattered up the walls.
I want you to know that your response was perfect as it was. For me just knowing it bought a smile to you is all that matters. Sending a like or a smile is more than I need. For me I smile when I find something that reminds me of someone in an endearing way. Pressing send is my reward. Please never feel like you need to respond. I much prefer that it makes you smile without adding pressure to respond.
hugs 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Thank you heaps. I'm having a cup of tea in the sunshine and fresh air. I called my new school mum friend who is coming over and we'll walk to get the kids together which might be nice.

It is that process I am scared of I think Teej, as I know people here who've had experiences that have hurt, understand. It's a great idea to look beyond that, and I will try to remember to do that. I kind of suck at playing nicely when I feel threatened, but I can recognise that and it might help me try to suck it up a bit, plus in theory there should be less threat this time and it 'should' be more in my control. I also have a really strong gut feeling that the outcome of having a break will be really helpful. For all I go on about trust and my lack of it, I trust that feeling.

I need this. I can feel dark and twisted has been meeting with potentially explosive fireballness under a load of tiredness, and that tends to be a bad news combination. This can bring that to a halt. If it works out, which between myself and those in my corner hopefully it will, it's going to be great for me.

Thank you, huge lots, for the encouragement and the listening all.