My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow yeah they're so gross hey!!

Hmmm... I don't keep on top of it, really! 😅 Like I do manage to keep it from getting super gross, but without a dishwasher or washing machine I pretty much have to rely on my friends to come help from time to time. I can mostly keep it from getting actually nasty, thankfully!

Well, I'm glad you don't have to see him now! Sounds like you wanted to give him a piece of your mind tho 😂

Report back! Lemme know if it's worth a trip! 💜

[Bow]

Need to go crawl into bed now @Jynx  far too much doomsday scrolling this evening and my heads yuck. Need to feel safe

thanks for the company tonight 🩵

[Jynx]

Aww noooo @Bow not the doom scroll! Aww hope you have a nice kip, smooth appts tomoz, and I'll catch ya soon 💜😊

[Bow]

I had a pdoc appointment this morning. Just seeing her while my regular one is away- apparently he is suppose to be back next month though. But this fill in one… she did not read any of my file, knew nothing about me. 
… tell me about how you’ve been feeling lately….. me- pretty crummy. Low mood. 
…. when you have a low mood do you ever feel like hurting yourself or killing yourself… me- yep. All the time. 
…. have you done that before…. Me- yep, 2 weeks ago…. Then have to give her all the details. Then proceeds to assess my current risk. But then does nothing about it. 😩
… what meds are you on…. Me- attempts to list all my meds 

… do you exercise? … Me- yep, provides her with details…. What about your appetite? … Me- don’t have one. Don’t eat much. ….. Have you ever had an ED? …. Me- yep, provides diagnosis and answers more questions about it. 

while I appreciate that she wants my history, she could of taken the time to speak with my CM or psych… or anyone else on the team that knows me, or she could of read for herself. Sigh 😩😩

[Snowie]

Oh dear @Bow sounds like a very full on appointment. Certainly could have found out all of that themselves beforehand. Sending some much needed ❤️

[Bow]

Yep @Snowie  it was a pretty shitty appointment. 

How are you doing? Been thinking of you 

[Bow]

On top of yesterday’s shitty pdoc appointment, I had a psych appointment today. Appointments are exhausting. Draining. 

my psych expressed her sadness and fear and care over what I did a couple of weeks ago. She is a person after all. I find it a bit awkward when people express that kinda stuff. 
we did more chair work again today. 

how do you sit with. Work with. Deal with…. Or whatever else….. over that part of you that knows they need help and that you need to be honest. That you need a safe place to be honest.  Vs.  wanting to leave.  It’s like this argument inside. It’s like those old fashion scales seeing which one weighs more. Or a seesaw. 

[tyme]

Hey @Bow ,

I hear how hard it is for you. I can see your pdoc is concerned. 

People do care. 

Hence I can see the pull and tug.

I'm here for you.

[Snowie]

Oh @Bow 

Sounds like you have had a few really hard days with appointments. 

I hope you are able to have some 'me' time amongst it all.

I'm going ok. More ECT tomorrow 

[Bow]

It sucks @tyme  that tug o war. I don’t think I can be honest when I’m in this place. It’s too big and overpowering and always wants to win. The pull is too much. 

I seen my gp this morning too. My SW came with me. My SW made the comment that she think she knows a few signs when I’m not being honest. 

everyone asks a lot of questions. Do I still have them thoughts? Do I have a plan? Am I stockpiling? Do I have any? 

I’ve been at community mental health twice this week. I’ve seen my pdoc, my psych and my CM, and no one has said anything about the letter of complaint I sent in. They have supposedly been spoken to about it and are suppose to be speaking with me. 

I again told my psych that I need more support. That I never hear from my CM. But nothing. How do people care and do nothing to show it?????