**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Queenie]

I did read it @Bubbles3 before it was deleted. Sounds like a very hard day for you. All I can say is I understand because I've been there too. Before I received a formal diagnosis, I was all over the place. Unfortunately many times emergency services were involved on occasions.

[Bubbles3]

At least some one rwad it before it was deleted @Queenie

[Faith-and-Hope]

I read it too @Bubbles3 ......

[Bubbles3]

Good @Faith-and-Hope

The more people the better.

Now im just waitinv for sane to call me back

[outlander]

@Sans911 good morning sis
Ive been reading along. I know your struggling alot please know that i and others here are happy to listen.
Hoping your ok today though i know theres no magic cure for thought abd feelings but i hope there's a bit of light in your day ❤❤

I respect your decision to see or not see your mh manager today ❤❤

[Sans911]

I deliberately sabotaged my own sleep and it's my own doing for the nightmares that pervaded the few hours I did get. It's like I needed to validate my own pain & suffering by reading back on my past, and I got what I asked for. I realise now, however that I've probably had depression since I was very, very young & probably BPD in my teens. But whatever did I do apart from being born for my mother to heap her anger, guilt, shame and suffering onto me? I paid so dearly the price of that, and although our relationship is satisfactory now I still pay that price. I still choose to turn the sword inward. But what good would it do to hurt her now? Isn't my own hatred of myself enough, without hatred of her too? I was the one, though, that got the better life, that got the opportunities, that got better chances and choices. And yet I suffer from more than my siblings, who arent free from their own shackles of pain, yet don't carry the same level of inner loathing. I never asked for this life, nor do I want it anymore. I'm done carrying the burden of being born, I'm done carrying the burden of being different & difficult. I was always alone, always, and it seems I'll die alone at some point. I'm just done right now.

[Former-Member]

@Sans911 No we don’t ask for this life or the things that happen on our journey. I wish that I could take your pain and suffering away because you deserve a life free from all of this. But you are NOT alone. You are surrounded by so many people on here that care about you. And I know it’s not the same as having those people in real life, but I hope you do take solace in knowing that you are loved here. So use this forum for that much needed support and love that you so truely deserve. Because you are worth it and you do matter. 💖💖💖💖

[Sahara]

Hi @Sans911,

I'm sorry to come so late to your discussion thread. I haven't had a chance to read it all. I hope you are ok, right now?

I'll be around this afternoon if you would like to talk more about it.

I had a 'difficult' mother, too. She was an extremely angry person who lashed out often and in an unpredictable way.... you never knew what was coming with her! 

I think I have managed to forgive her now.... anyway, she died two years ago. I never raised any of the issues I had with her.... I doubt she would have understood, because she had no insight. I just let her be.... I suppose I realised that she was not deliberately malicious and that in her own way, she probably suffered more than me. 

Can you forgive your Mum, @Sans911? it's ok if you can't right now.

Please write back and let us know you are ok. 

S.

[Sans911]

@Sahara, don't worry too much about me, these are ramblings of a tired, dejected mind. I'm not really ok but I just don't care right now.

My mother is a bit like yours was, and I'm sorry you never got to reconcile your differences.

My mother signed me over as a state ward when I was 7 years old. It was the best and worst decision she ever made. The welfare allowed continued contact because we both wanted it. However, we on the many occasions she was angry with me, she reminded me if the privileges I had, the sacrifices she made, and how much she was still suffering because of me. She blamed a relationship breakdown on me instead of other failings.

We've had many ups & downs in our relationship, and I have forgiven her in person. Our relationship now is not bad, but I had to make many compromises (and still do). But she is never going to be the mother I desperately wanted her to be, and although she loves and cares for me, she has no idea of the things I hide from her (like much of my MI, the multiple SA) and that I feel so much raw pain from questions that I will never have the answers too.

My mother suffered much trauma, abuse, and early responsibilities, possibly more than myself also, so much of my time is spent protecting her from my own suffering. So like yours I realise many of her own behaviours are as a result of these, and probably not deliberate.

My past is so complex that even now my memories are few and far between and the traumas & abuse I've suffered I can no longer distinguish what was real & what perhaps my mind is embellishing. I continued into my adult years being bullied and rejected. Right now I have no more confidence in a better life; my depression has won and I've given in to trying to dig myself out.

[Faith-and-Hope]

♥️ @Sans911 ....