**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Sans911]

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

[Snowflake]

Hi Sans911,

No need to apologise for a long post- I think it take a huge amount of courage to be able to express yourself with such honesty. It sounds like although things have been pretty rough over the past few months that you are taking care of yourself, as I am sure others have found on the forums that often medication can take alot longer to feel like it is doing something, not unusual for it to take longer for a few weeks. 

You mentioned caring about dying- although you are sounding scared, exhausted and overwhlemed you do sound like there is definitely still glimmer of hope. I am here throughout the night if you want to talk here on the forum or privately over email- Snowflake

[Sans911]

@Snowflake thank you for your response. I've just spoken to a crisis service. I'm ok tonight, and I and safe from hurting myself..its my thoughts that make me feel unsafe. Trying to go to sleep now.

[CheerBear]

Hi @Sans911. I'm sorry to hear things are as hard as they are. I hope it helps to get it out of your head here.

I can imagine how bad things have been for you to be feeling like you are and can understand how much worse things might be because of your job. I can't remember exactly what it is that you do but I remember you saying that work had it's challenges recently. One of my biggest sources of pain is being on the 'other side' in the massive way that I am now. Seeing myself as I am and knowing others see me like this, hurts a lot. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it is a good thing to be reaching out and being supported through this, I have moments where this particular pain feels suffocating. I felt a big pang when I read that your professional capacity is being questioned because of this 😞

It sucks so much to feel so stuck and to believe that there's nothing anyone can do or say to help because they've heard it all before, or you've tried it all already. Being consumed with thoughts of dying is so hard. Reaching the point where you know that if you decide that it's really enough, it will really be over, is scary and lonely and exhausting.

When I have reached out here it has helped me to know there are people hearing me. I wanted to reply to add to that, and hope that by knowing there are people here who really do get it, who won't question you, and who care, will help you feel a little less alone in this.

I wish there was something more to say that could make it better for you. I look for a wand all the time to wave around the forum, but it never appears. I saw your post last night about wanting to reach out and I am glad that you've been able to. I've seen you supporting other people here with so much care and I hope you're able to feel some of it for yourself.

Hope that speaking to a crisis service last night was helpful and that you were able to sleep.

[Sans911]

@CheerBear Thank you, your words mean so much right now. I feel a tiny bit better this morning after talking things over with the crisis service last night. They're the only service right now where I feel validated and really heard. They never tried to talk me down from my self destructive thoughts. They just provided me with some practical tips like grounding, mindfulness and distraction, all of which I do anyway and which help for a short time.

I know you are a great supporter on the forum to so many, so thanks for taking the time to red and respond to my post.

[utopia]

@Sans911. It is a frightening time when our thoughts of suicide get so strong, thst they overwhelm you. I've felt that. I'm sorry that you are experiencing it too.
I'm glad you reached out for help both here and with the crisis service. Sometimes posting on this forum - can help. I hope you have found that.

[CheerBear]

I'm out and about at the moment but wanted to come past and say that it's good to hear from you today @Sans911 and that even if it is just a tiny little better, I'm glad it's a tiny better and not worse.

I'll be back later on. Thinking of you 💛

[CheerBear]

Good morning @Sans911. How are you this morning? Hope you're going ok 💛

[Sans911]

@CheerBearSorry I didn't get back to you yesterday, but I wanted to let you know I saw your post to me, and that I was very grateful you took time out of your day to think of me. Work has been picking up, so I am grabbing it when I can as it's a good distraction, and I can finally get some bills under control again. That always alleviates my stress levels, as there is nothing worse than not knowing if I have enough money to keep up with everything.

Little by little, I am doing a bit better, but of course there are many things to work through, as,, there are for most in this forum. I am really a bit panicky this week as my main support person goes on holiday for 3 weeks overseas, and she and I both know that I tend to come unglued at these times. So I am trying to reassure her I'll be ok (when I probably won't), and trying to secure an appointment with a new therapist to help me through this time.

I hope your day is going ok for you too @CheerBear. You are such a sweet person, as are many in this forum who think and support others, even when they have struggles of their own.

[CheerBear]

Hey @Sans911 it's great to hear from you, thanks for replying 🙂

I'm happy to hear work has picked up for you. Have they been a bit more understanding of what you're going through (or at least a little less judgmental)? Any relief from stress can make a big difference, and financial stress is not something anyone needs.

The next three weeks sound like they might be a challenge for you. Have you got anything other than hopefully another therapist in place for when/if you become unglued? One of the things I love most about this forum is that there is almost always someone around to chat with. Sometimes just having somewhere to vent and know there's someone who has heard me helps me.

My day is going ok here too thanks 🙂 Hope your afternoon and evening is good for you as well