Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Sans911]

@CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Zoe7

I completely understand if you don't respond or even read this, but you've responded in the past, and I try to refrain from posting too much of my own struggles as I don't want want to trigger others or take away from their issues/experiences. But I can no longer sit with these feelings of hopelessness & negative thoughts that are threatening to derail me, and I have little outlet beside my journal to get these feelings out. It's like I'm caught in a rip tide so often, where I struggle against the strong current of SI that threatens to pull me under. Sometimes I can stay afloat, other times I'm drowning in such horrible thoughts there seems little escape. I've just talked to my mh case worker, who was checking on me. When I told her that I wasn't doing so well, she's now talking of hospital admission for a few days. They know it's not a good option for me, but I'm essentially a prisoner in my own home right now because going out or getting in my car puts me at an increased risk of harm.

I don't know if anyone of you have had similar experiences as me of months and months of chronic SI. How do you continue to live, what gives you the will and desire to continue living, or does nothing? I have and continue to loose everything that was important to me- friends, my job, my hobbies have all suffered because of my mental state. How much longer do I endure this? When will it ever end?

[Faith-and-Hope]

My "like" was "I hear you" @Sans911 .....

I haven't had SI challenges personally, but I now know a lot of (wonderful) people who do .... so I can tell you that you are definitely not alone in this.  I would rather those with the lived experience speak up in support of the way you are feeling, but. I will sit here with you nonetheless, hopefully to comfort you a little with company.

Gentle hugs Sans911 ..... 💜

[Sans911]

@Faith-and-Hope thank you for even just 'listening'. I know it's not easy to listen to people who seem to not want to live. It's not that simple either. I don't want to live with this emotional pain right that's continues to suck me down. I want to have hope and a reason to carry on, but it seems so out of reach at times. I feel less alone tonight with faithful forum friends beside me. Thanks again💙💜💜💙

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's my honour @Sans911 .... some of the most wonderfully supportive people here to me this last 18 months have struggles with mi.  I don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't felt their loving concern in my strange circumstances.

💜💐💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

That was supposed to be "struggles with si" @Sans911 .... brain a bit foggy ... :face_with_rolling_eyes:😏

[Sans911]

@Faith-and-Hope it's quite alright. One and the same really. I see you are sprinkling your fairy dust far and wide across the forums tonight. Don't spread yourself too thin. You are important too.

[Zoe7]

Yes @Sans911 I have felt like this for many months now. I have had 2 serious attempts in that time - both times I failed. I do see it as yet another failure on top of all my other failures. There have been 2 things that have kept my head above water when I have felt myself drowning - my fur babies and the forum. Without the unwavering friendship and support of members on here, and the amazing support of several moderators, I have no doubt at all that I would not still be here. I am in a different place than I was even a few weeks ago but the thoughts are with me constantly. As you already know - the nights are the worst and that is when I get stuck in the mindset that nothing will change and the best thing I can do is to 'leave'. I have been on and off the forum over the last few weeks - disconnecting myself in a way - because I have run out of energy to 'talk' about how I am really doing and also, in a way, putting some distance between myself and others on here so if it comes to the point where I can no longer 'fight' my way through each day (and night) then it will be easier to finally 'go'. 

I definitely do not have any answers @Sans911 - for you or for me. The constant pain, the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, the flashbacks, the nightmares, being physically unwelll for so long, all the things in my life breaking down, not working, not being able to do anything, constant triggers and struggling financially - I don't know how I am still here - but I am. Late last week when my heat pump 'died' was the final straw - and I did begin to carry out a 'plan' - I didn't completely go through with it - not from not wanting to, but because I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I literally layed down where I was standing and 'passed out'. I woke up on the floor, wrapped in my doona that had become my substitute heater, and cried for hours. I did not have the energy or will to move - so I stayed there. I eventually made it to the couch but all I wanted to do was finish my plan! My mind was telling me one thing but my body would not move to assist - so I am still here! I don't want to be but I want things to change - so I suppose that is what we need to hold onto - if we want things to change then maybe there is still some hope 

[utopia]

@Sans911. I definitely understand that needing to stay safe while your head is full of suicidal thoughts, visions and plans.
You may not like my answer, but the one thing that helps me, is a hospital stay. Where we increase my meds and I have a break from some everyday stressors.
My 4 hospital stays this year and my one stay last year were all due to suicidal thoughts and plans.
Hospital really does help me.
Maybe this time it will help you too.

[Sans911]

@Zoe7 I gathered you have had struggles with SI from what I had read, so I hoped you didn't mind me tagging you as I wanted to hear your perspective. And it was you I was most worried that I would trigger something, so please accept my apologies if I've made you uncomfortable. I wish I could say my cat was enough, but I'm still bonding with him, and I haven't always felt truly wanted by him at times. Although he is rather aloof, as many cats can be.

You have had such struggles @Zoe7; much more than anything I'm going through, so your strength in the face of everything gives me a little sliver of hope. I often think to myself as I read your posts, if she can get through that, then you can carry on too.

Change comes by letting go. Something that is difficult to do, even when old habits are no longer useful or effective. I'm scared of loosing everything that makes me, me. If I change, what will I become? How different will I be? I too want change, I certainly don't want this current 'life' to continue, but that change is an uncertain path to even step onto, let alone walk down.

[Sans911]

@utopia I hear what you're saying, and I agree to a point. But being a health professional on the other side of the fence is a difficult position for me. I have certain expectations of the nursing staff, and my local pysch unit often falls far short of those expectations. Don't even get me started on the other public units I've stayed at! I'm know I don't make it any easier as I withdraw & isolate when I'm feeling like this, and I find it hard to engage with anyone, let alone medical staff.

I am not on medication as nothing has worked for me thus far. And due to my SH misdemeanours, I'm now tolerant to many meds. But I won't have a choice tommorrow anyway, as if I don't call the community mh team, they'll just come & get me. I have found recently that if I can bunker down at home long enough, not get in my car, not go out then the feelings may pass.