@Sans911you have NOTHING to be sorry about. We are all here for each other. You are not burdening us at all. I want you to be able to vent on here as often as you need. Yes all of us have issues happening, but that does not mean we cannot help each other.
I don't think you realise how much I admire you @Sans911 The way you help others on here is so courageous especially when you are dealing with so much yourself. It is so easy to help others yet we are so critical of ourselves.
YOU deserve that help and support too, as much as anyone else does. Please keep reaching out and vent as much as you want 
Hi @Sans911
Here is my promised response. 
Your story of what you did last week re. your SA is agonizingly similar to about twenty similar stories that I could tell. Those stories are many years old now - they happened between 1997 and 1999. I would like to think the responses of mental health professionals and emergency services would have changed in that time, but your story tells me they haven't. I remember one time when someone had called an ambulance, on the way to the hospital the ambulance guy lectured me about how I was wasting resources because while they were dealing with me, they were being kept from going to people who REALLY needed help. 
I had many instances of engaging in the act that you did, and then getting scared and calling the ambulance myself. Thus I was very much labelled an attention seeker. I recall another time where I was engaging in an extremely high risk behaviour in public and someone called emergency services. There was a stand-off between me and the police for a while until one of them said "oh for goodness sake just do it." So I proceeded to do it. Another, more caring, police officer is the reason I did not die that day.
A giant part of my muddle is that it was the stability that came from my relationship with Fred, that led to me stopping those behaviours. This is super confusing for me because on the one hand he has done immense harm, yet on the other hand, I know he is the reason I am still alive. As he liked to often point out, in the two years before I started seeing him, I had 36 hospital admissions, whereas in the sixteen years I was with him I had 4 admissions. Since I got away from him, I've had a further two admissions (and several presentations where I was sent home). This is an enormous part of my muddle.
I have never had a stay longer than 72 hours in hospital, not even after my most serious SA in 1999. I know it is generally well recognised that hospital is not useful for people with BPD. I tend to agree with this view, although I think it needs to be tempered with the idea that the health professional should consider each individual situation rather than just having a blanket rule. I recall a time in 2007 when I was in extreme crisis and my psychologist was away. I presented at the hospital and explained that I just needed to be there for a couple of days until Fred got back. They refused to admit me because the psychiatrist on duty didn't believe people with BPD should be in hospital. He never even met with me! In sheer desperation I then went back to my car and called a talk-back radio station. Hey presto, I managed to get myself admitted to the psych ward. However, you can probably imagine the level of "care" I got then. Manipulative? Or desperate help-seeking behaviour? I believe it was the latter.
I have very much given up help-seeking now. I no longer "reach out" to anywhere other than here and the SANE helpcentre. I have learnt my lesson. Reaching out doesn't work - it just brings further shame, criticism and trauma. I know that I will never again have a failed SA. If I choose to end my life, I will be doing it using a fail-safe method in the privacy of my own home. I recognise that I am privileged in that I live alone and I don't have to have any concerns at all about being interrupted.
The only time I come into contact with emergency services or the hospital now is when someone misinterprets my extreme emotion dysregulation as being a sign that I am at imminent risk of suicide. By definition, this is never actually the case. As long as someone is seeing/hearing me in a dysregulated state, they can know that I am trying my hardest to stay alive. If I choose to end my life, no one will see or hear anything. I had two people call emergency services on me last year, in November and then again in December. I am superly duperly grateful that I have found Forum Land and the Helpcentre, where I know I can share how much I am struggling, without people flipping out and calling emergency services.
Anyway, does any of this have anything to do with the question you asked? I fear I may have gone off track! Let me see if I can find the track again...
You asked how someone goes after coming home following a SA. For me it has always been that I just keep doing what I'm doing. I've never had any sort of follow up support - nor do I want it. During those tumultuous years of 1997-1999 it would have helped SO MUCH to have some sort of structured support, but none was ever offered. I had a private therapist during that time (my only other long-term therapist aside from Fred) and the "plan" was always just "keep seeing your therapist." I think I would have accepted any support that was offered at that time. Now I've been so traumatized by so many mental health professionals, I wouldn't engage with a caseworker/ Phams worker / the CATT even if you paid me! And the experience you describe with your MH worker the other day is a great example of why I choose to go it alone. I am much safer alone than I would be getting triggered like that. If someone said to me, what your MH worker said to you, I would be so triggered that I would drop to the floor, start either stimming or screaming at the top of my voice, and engage in SH. And of course the most likely consequence of that is that the MH worker would flip out, call emergency services, and around and around we would go just adding layer upon layer of trauma to my already muddled brain.
So...after this ridiculously long post, the answer to your question is that after any SA, I've just kept on keeping on. Nothing has changed in my world at all pre- and post-attempt.
One thing I find interesting while floating around Forum Land, is seeing how many people express feelings of shame and guilt over having made a SA. I have to admit, I have never experienced that. I have had LOTS of OTHER people shame me, but in my own soul I feel no shame or guilt at all. I know to the very core of my being that I have always been trying my hardest and doing my very best to stay alive and to cope with overwhelming emotions. OTHER people have told me I am attention-seeking, OTHER people have told me I am manipulative, OTHER people have told me I waste resources, but in my own heart I know that I have always been trying my very best. And thus I do not feel guilt or shame about any SA.
Up until this point in this post, I have talked about having had many SAs. However, it is bugging me saying that and I feel I need to clarify (mostly because I have an obsessive need for things to be "right" ). Marsha Linehan spends a lot of time making the distinction between suicide attempts and para-suicidal behaviour. In my own mind, I recognise that I have actually only had one SA, and the rest were examples of para-suicidal behaviour. That's all I'm going to say about that right now because I'm not sure if it is useful to discuss this distinction further here. However, I'm happy to have the conversation at any time with anyone who wants to.
Am I off track again? I fear I might be. Hmmm...where did that track go...
I totally agree with you sans911 that finding a purpose is an essential ingredient to helping us keep on keeping on. Like you, that is why I put my hand up for the CG role. I know that for me, if I could get into stable paid employment and thus escape the welfare system, I would be in an infinitely better space. Given that that goal is not looking particularly achievable right now, I can see that for me the next best option is to have a "work-like activity." For me, the CG role is part of that.
The other (related) area where I get a sense of purpose is in my plan (note I say "plan" not "dream") to change the world. I will tell my story anywhere, anytime, if I think it will help to change the world. Of course, I do tend to be a bit of a bulldozer so I need a little help sometimes in navigating just HOW to change the world...otherwise the world may just end up bulldozed! 
Well...that was an amazingly long post, and I'm still not entirely sure if I've said anything helpful. I think I will shush now.
@Sans911just dropping by to leave you this present and to see how you are going this afternoon (well tonight for me)
