what a horrible day

[Faith-and-Hope]

i am sorry you are feeling this way about it @MDT. What can you do for the rest of the day to look after yourself ? It's almost the weekend and that usually changes the pace of life for the week. Maybe log in to Friday Feast and hang out there with other forumites for a while. The whacky humour might help to lift your mood a bit.

[BambiFawn]

 Dear @MDT, I promise you you haven't wasted your time and effots in obtaining a degree.  You are obviously very clever to be accepted into a University degree program. 

I was an Administrative Officer in the Public Service for 3 1/2 years before my sibling passed away and I got sick. Admin is a good job.  

All will be well with you soon dear @MDT. 

[MDT]

that looks like a friendly cat @BambiFawn
@Faith-and-Hope
i might do that yeh, also have free house so i might plug in xbox and play some fifa or watch a film
just got back from chiro

[BambiFawn]

Yes dear @MDT.  He's a lovely natured cat.  He follows my daughter around the house like he is a little lamb and she his mother.  Ya, you have a beautiful cat too, I think. My daughter is always playing her xbox lol. 

You sound bright a cheery dear @MDT.  Don't worry, all will work out well for you. Just focus on the positives, that really helps me.  I needed to say positive affirmations about myself and my life, for a while until I got on top of things.  Affirming myself in Christ too haha.

[Shaz51]

Lovely cat @BambiFawn 

Hello @MDT, having distractions are good

[BambiFawn]

dear @Shaz51, 

You are correct in saying that distractions for our worries/ problems / trials in life are good lol. 

Bless you dear sister..

[MDT]

hey everyone... submitted this to my beyondblue forum

hey nat

i just dont feel like i have anything to offer...

i don't really have self esteem tbh.. more like a self-push mechanism that occasionally works

I am also sick of people... i need more friends or new ones but it's just hard because people must categorise me into a certain type of person

i avoided potential calamity by organising to see episode 8 of star wars already with a friend whom i have been speaking to about it for ages.. last year i missed out on seeing rogue one because i was apathetic and sure enough found out the friend who i saw other movies with didn't invite me.. i'm not on people's radar basically..

i hate that.. because it feels like i dont matter

this is usually when i start to get suicidal and upset... but then i just remember that suicide isn't really a solution to anything and it's also a way out that can't be undone.. plus the damage it will have on my family (specifically mum, dad and sister) is way too much to think about..

it's more like i would be "better off" dead as oppossed to want to be dead.. if that makes sense? that's usually the case.. but then other times it can get a bit much and i actually start thinking of wanting to die... but that's suicidal ideation i guess isn't it ?

I have struggled to go to the gym today and all this past week. I am trying to go tomorrow but I honestly just feel so lethargic and done with things. I haven't got an appetite either. Food puts me off. That's not normal for me.

My meds have increased a bit and I think this might be effecting my hunger I don't know?

I'm getting so desperate that I kind of just don't care anymore..

I still feel alone in all of this..

[Queenie]

I know it feels like you don't matter, but I am certain that you do matter @MDT. It sounds like your depression really has a hold on you at the moment. The apathy you feel is evidence of this, as is the lack of appetite and energy. The medication may not be helping with the appetite either, I cannot answer that. I hope you are in regular contact with your treating team (psych, GP etc) in case it is a side effect. I am guessing that the increase in medication will take some time to take effect too, so my best advice is to just see how this medication increase goes... even though medication I believe is only half the answer. 

You've got a lot on your plate, you're coming to the end of your degree and I am guessing there is pressure to find a job afterwards, am I right in saying that? When depression strikes, coupled with pressures like that, it can feel extremely overwhelming. I know this from experience. 

I say do something right now to help relieve this 'pressure'.... something that you enjoy doing. If that means playing xbox or PC games, then so be it.

Be gentle with yourself.

[outlander]

hi @MDT

im sorry your struggling so much. please know that we care for you here and want your best interests at heart. 

it seems you in the deep dark black hole at the moment and its hard to see any light at all. as Queenie has said, i hope that your in regaular contact with your mh team because it really sounds like you need it and you deserve that extra support too.  you do matter!

i feel the same way in regards to friends and also the SI. sometimes its better off but its not an option but then other days its like i jsut want to end it all but then the reasons im still here come back up and thats the impact itll have on others. i think once the pressure of uni are over itll become easier ebcause atm uni also takes up alot of your brian power, time and energy. im sure things will start to fall into place soon. 

the medications could be making you feel lethargic and also lack of appetite. i had that on one of my meds too but ti was also hard to tell if it was meds or the depression 'talking'

[MDT]

hi @outlander and @Queenie

Thanks for your help.
I am cooking dinner even if i am not hungry. Making hamburgers. My sister (younger) was saying that she still struggles to come to terms with her 18th party that was 2 years back. Only 1 person came and she had to cancel it. It was a very bad day for her and i was effected by it too. It came up somehow.. but she felt really alone. I said i felt the same. Every weekend is like that for me.
I know i have people i am close to but it seems like i am just on the outside...
I guess i wont be single forever but i just feel like i am wasting my time and youth etc..
im gonna eat and maybe watch fantastic beasts and where to find them on netflix..