Living with the aftermath, trying to move on

[SunflowerMe]

I want to have some happiness, I have had 13 years of all the mental trauma from TWINS (now 30) with BPD, bipolar... they have survived just, many self harm etc, everything that goes with it. The list is complete and long.
They now live separately from us about an hour away, although they are far from well, they identify with their illness and recieve ALL the help from docs and carers etc. the life saver for one and hopefully now the other has been DBT, dialectical behaviour therapy. For BPD it has been amazing for one of my daughters. The other one is starting soon, they have to be very ready to receive the help.

My efforts now are trying to live with my PTSD, depression. I used to be a happy soul back in the day and now I am forever changed. That's life, but I'm 58 and would like to have some happiness. All my confidence on parenting, socially is all but gone. They threw us under the bus with every doctor they went too, we were too blame..... it seems like there is a lull in the storm now and I would like to move forward but I am sad, I know I'm probably just going thru the stages of grief of what I thought would be my life and how it turned out. It is what it is I know, I take an anti depressant, but have had no counselling as such. How do I move forward?

[Karli]

Hi SunflowerMe,

I suffer from depression and I asked my GP to recommmend a councellor/psychologist which can be put on a 5 visit plan paid by Medicare. Best of luck.

[SJT63]

@SunflowerMe  definitely sign up for some counselling. I'm a carer also, but about 2 years ago I was sinking deeper and deeper into a hole despite my partner being quite well and everything seeming to be going really well. 

My daughter lives in the UK and is very mentally healthy, my son not so much and through his teens I tried to get him help which he refused. He is definitely devoid of empathy and a bit of a narcissist but without ever having seen a doctor who knows what he has. He moved out and we have very little to do with each other any more.

In my sessions with the psychologist we drilled right down to the root of what was making me so sad, and it was because it didn't matter what I did I couldn't make my son love me. Once I let go of that - accepting that his love was not going to be a reward for getting it right; he either would love me or he wouldn't and it was out of my control... well the patterns of behaviour I'd fallen into slowly reverted back to normal.

I have always felt that I failed as a mother and there's no way around that. You can't turn back the clock and I just hope that perhaps when they are parents they will understand that I loved them and that everyone does the best they can with the tools available. Now I don't spend time in anguish wondering what I should have done differently.  (we are the same age, my kids are about the age or yours)

Moving on is not easy and I urge you to seek professional help with that.

S

[Krishna]

Hi @SunflowerMe . I completely relate to where your coming from. Has been 9 years for me with a daughter suffering with schizophrenia. Can't remember the last time I had a good belly laugh, was genuinely happy and feeling light of heart. By girl is presently in hospital and due for release soon and now won't communicate with me at all. I'm 57 soon and feel the last 9 years as just one big blur of stress and worries. My mental/physical health has suffered and am just so over sacrificing so much of me. So have started focusing on my own health once again starting with slow gentle walks, yoga, massage and acupuncture to clear all that is blocked. Trying desperately to rest when I feel the need and trying to remain mindful of what I'm doing so as not to allow the negative depressing thoughts take over. I have to remind myself that I have done all I can do to support my girl and will always be there for her but have my own path to follow in life. Just stepping back into my own skin. I hope you find ways of finding yourself again and find the joy and happiness in life that we all so deserve. Time to take care of you. Best wishes xxx

[SunflowerMe]

Thank you for that sound advice, you are right "his love was not going to be a reward for doing it right" is very true, my doctor has urged counselling but I have only had it in times when they are self harming etc when they were younger and the counsellor seemed more anxious than me when I told her my life 🤷‍♀️. I guess now it's semi over I could try again as I really just need to talk. When I think about  my children, I just imagine a beautiful plate all shattered on the floor. I need to move past that. 
kind regards 

Cheryl 

[SunflowerMe]

Thank you, yes I need to push myself, some days it seems like good idea, other day it seems the worse idea
Kind regards Cheryl

[SunflowerMe]

Thank you for your advice, I definitely need self care, I think it's what's missing, because I have started to live in the moment and have found a definite love for the animal world, sometimes much kinder than humans, but still need to stop! I think if I stop I may just have to think about things. So probably why I don't 
kind regards 

Cheryl

[duchess]

Hi there, 

I can relate to the part about your daughter not communicating with you. My daughter has had almost zero contact with me since her suicide attempt 3 months ago. She is happily in a private hospital and is communicating with everyone, including her father who is currently sober but a history of drug and alcohol addiction. He is a doctor and I think people think he is a good man, but I do not.  I've posted here before but don't think I got a response from anyone. 

[Former-Member]

@duchess  @SunflowerMe  @Karli 

Quick forum tip. If you use the symbol @ you can 'tag' someone as I have done with you, this generates a notification  and email to let them know you have responded. When you use the @,  a list of the last few contributors to the discussion thread will pop up and you can select the person you want, alternatively you can start typing a name and suggestions will appear.

[Former-Member]

@SunflowerMe  you might want to go back and edit any posts which contain what I presume to be your real name.  You may not have missed this bit in the Community Guidelines around anonymity:

Your SANE Forums member name must be different to your own name and different to member names you have on other social media. You may have only one SANE Forums member account.

Do not publish:

your name