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@Former-Member@ - this is so trying for you right now, and what I'm going to say you might think I am being insensitive. But I care about you and how much you are hurting yourself and how much emotional pain you are in right now. Sometimes we reject the people who want to help us because subconsciously we feel we feel responsible for what happened as well as punishing ourselves for hurting others (you have said this yourself). I am only saying this as it is something I also do to myself. But also, the meds you are on are messing with your brain chemistry as well as all the stress hormones with your anxiety. So there is a whole lots of turmoil, overwhelm and hormonal imbalances at play that are that when you are home you can't always have control over because everything is one giant mess. At least in hospital you are safe, monitored and supported  by others. But when you are admitted to hospital, you feel like you have lost control over everything and choices are no longer yours. But you need more help to keep you alive and safe Nell, and to give you something to hold onto that makes you feel like live is for living, not existing. It tears me apart to see you suffering so much, and suffering without adequate support. I so want to see you get through the other side