So I'm not tagging anyone in this post, because you know where it is if you want to read it and respond. And I want it said that I'm not trying to distress or make anyone uncomfortable. I think this is an important discussion.
So, I gather most of you are aware I was in hospital for a few days after yet another botched SA. I did try to have a discussion with my mh case manager, but I wasn't prepared to listen. I believe now that the trigger came from feeling devalued by several things. And I gave up caring about me, because I thought people weren't really listening to what I was saying or needed.
I actually got in my car and left my home to protect my house mate, but that still failed as well because my mh case manager called in to look for me, as did the police on 2 occasions. I drove around and around mostly back streets to evade the police but for another reason I can't say here. When I finally stopped, to finish what I started, a police car pulled up along side me. They then called an ambulance. I refused to speak to any of them but was told 2 things. One, I had many emergency services resources used up on me to locate me and make sure I was safe, and that I would would forced by police into the ambulance. A policeman actually came with me in the ambulance as they fully expected me to jump out enroute or at the hospital. By this time though what I had done was having effect so I wasn't going anywhere. I gave up.
I fought with the nurses in ICU, but one of them refused to listen when she caused me intense pain, and didn't stop. She just thought I was being difficult and obstructive. There's probably some truth in that, but her actions made me cry and become incredibly distressed. I had no visitors at all in hospital, because I rarely tell anyone. And my foster sister lives 3 hours away.
I was transferred back to the observations ward of ED on my last night. And of course, this is a hospital I've worked in frequently over the years, so I know many of the staff. I even had an agency nurse I know very well care for me, so I pretended I was asleep and he left me alone.
So why give you this background info? Because I need you know what happened that led me to today, where I feel a huge level of disappointment, shame, humiliation and guilt. I'm so in a mix of emotions today. Am I grateful to be alive? - I don't know. I do know living the way I have been in the last year has been incredibly difficult and frustrating. I know many of you feel exactly the same way.
But if any of you have attempted suicide, how do you go after you go home? Life just goes on, right? How do find purpose and meaning in each day? Or do you plod on and plan the next time, I'll get it right. I know you cop attitude from services as well. I know they think they're trying to saying the right thing, but it all comes out wrong. I'm really interested to hear anyone else's thoughts.
And you can't trigger me, because I'm already there. I'm safe today. I don't know what's next for me. I don't know what I want anymore or what my life will be. I just feel I have really, really screwed up so much of my life already.
