**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Sams911 I am just heading out now but I want you to know that I have had many experiences just like the one you are describing. I am not sure if I will be able to respond this evening but I will at some point in the next day or two.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Sans911 I am just heading out now but I want you to know that I have had many experiences just like the one you are describing. I am not sure if I will be able to respond this evening but I will at some point in the next day or two.

[Former-Member]

@Sans911
I wish I could hug you & some how make you happy & well?
I love you very much & I sincerely mean that. I watch you help outlander you stuck by her. You are a Champion in my eyes & a much needed person in this crazy world.
GOD gave you life & you are strong, yet tender & so intelligent & kind hearted.
I'm here for you Sans, I care!
Love & Hugs
Bella xo 🙂

[Teej]

*******triggering post warning**********

Hey @Sans911. I'm so sorry you've gone through this again. It is heartbreaking to read when someone else goes through it. I've been saved my medical intervention and had similar experiences to you quite a few times over a 4 year period now. I've also had to deal with emergency services lots (I have tried to run and all sorts of crazy stuff). My last one was only a few months back as well, that was more about turning everything off but at the same time I didn't care if I died and it would have been much worse if emergency services didn't turn up when they did. To add to the shame I did this in the bedroom whilst my kids were home as I really didn't care at that point anymore. They didn't know until emergency services turned up.

I'm not sure how long you've been going through this but for me I feel like I'm listened to and the hospitals know how to treat me better but it's taken a long time and lots and lots of shame to get to this point. However I am entering the hospital system much less this way in the past two years. As part of my safety plan there is an agreement with the local hospital if I turn up distressed and about to Sh or worse that I can go into the short stay mental health unit for a few days. This is usually a good circuit breaker for me. It doesn't fix anything but helps me reset. The staff now know me. I don't receive much help as such but it is more a place to get some prn meds safely and rest and be able to talk things out or isolate until Si has passed. I realise as I'm writing this that you are in a different situation because of your position. I panic every time I'm in ed and have to talk that someone I know will be there listening. I think I'm coming around to the fact that this is me and all my flaws and the state of my mental health at that point, it's not the sum of me. 

As for the long term working out how to stay on this planet and not regretting that you are still here it's a difficult one. After I go home I have to face my kids. They are usually unaware that I've attempted as such but I guess they know. A few years ago I'd go missing and they'd be looking for my car in my suicide spot and work out where I was. Things have improved a lot since then but I haven't got passed it yet. I guess I'm still here and working on it. 

For me when I come home I tend to overcompensate by making grand plans about living to cover the shame. I think that focus probably helps a bit. I think above all it's the best time for self compassion. You are still here to fight another day and that is ok. There's a chance for something better. I haven't got any real answers except life goes on. Some days you'll be glad you are still here and some you'll have regrets. I think it's a long process for some of us to get passed this. I still think about it almost weekly, many weeks this year it's been a daily thought. Just in the las few weeks I've been doing a bit better but can fall over so easily. Just last Friday I was at risk of it again but got through and had some successes this week. 

Im here if you want to talk any more about this. Thinking of you and sending strength

And flowers because they make me smile and I hope they make you smile a little

💜🤗💐

[Bunniekins]

@Sans911 Hi Sans911 we have only known each other a short period of time but you have always been very kind and welcoming to me. I am sorry you have been through such a horrendous series of events ... Although my problems are very different to yours I have had the 'joy' of experiencing police intervention in mental health matters and I know it is not fun.

I cannot explain why our lives turn out like this ... I wonder myself ... why am I in the position I am in ... then realise I have done nothing to deserve it ... life is just random sometimes ... things just happen ... I try to wipe away my tears and hold my head up high when I am at my lowest. Partly for myself but also partly for those who would love to see me torn to shreds.

Know that I am here in my limited form as a lil green pea to hopefully make you smile a little but I am also very good at listening.

xxxxxxx

[CheerBear]

@Sans911

Not really many words to say as I process the enormity of what you are going through. I think it's courageous to have shared what you did as openly as you have. Big respect and love to you Sans911.

I hope you can go easy on yourself while you work through this hard time ❤

[Sans911]

@outlander @Former-Member @CheerBear @Teej @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Bunniekins thank you for your kind words and sharing. @Teej I want to respond but I can't see through my tears right now. I just saw my other mh case manager and she yelled at me.She told me I was wasting HER precious tax dollars. Yep, thanks for the double, triple whammy of shame piled on top today. I feel 200‰ shite already.

[CheerBear]

Oh @Sans911 😞 I feel so sad and so angry to hear that. I just don't get it and have no idea how any of that could be at all ok to say 😞

[Former-Member]

@Sans911don't you for one minute believe what came out of her mouth. How dare she say something like that to you. You did not ask for all of this, you were in distress. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You need support around you in times like this. Get that support from here is you cannot get it anywhere else. We are all on your side and are here for you. 

[Former-Member]

sitting in here with you @Sans911 - its awful that your casemanager just said/did that on top of everything else. I'm glad you are here.