**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Former-Member]

@Sans911you may not care right now and completly understand that, but you do need to know that we care about you. Big hugs hun 

[outlander]

We care sis big hugs to you ❤❤❤ @Sans911

[Sahara]

@Sans911,

no, our mothers could never be the caring, confident, nurturing people we wanted them to be. But they are who they are (or were who they were, in my case). We have to accept it. 

I never reproached my Mum, but I did continue to spend time with her, show love and support for her and generally try to be the best daughter I could, within reason. We were even 'close' in some ways- she would confide in me and I would try to say the right things.

I am happy with my decision never to have reproached my Mum. She would not have understood my point of view and if she did- she would have been devastated by my revelations. I did not think this would have achieved anything!

My Mum always had my Dad to look after her and in many ways he copped most of the abuse. They lived in a verbally abusive relationship their entire lives... however, this became simply normal for them. My Dad misses her dreadfully since her passing. 

@Sans911, thanks for telling us so much about your relationship with your Mum and your up-bringing. You have done so well to forgive her all her failings and even feel kind of sorry for her. I always felt sorry for my Mum, too. 

I am sorry you feel that you have been bullied in you adult life, too. I think people like you and me are susceptible to getting bullied.... because it tends to feel kind of 'natural' to us. It's bad but it is familiar!

I now have to learn to recognise early on when someone is treating me with disrespect and to leave that situation or else call them out on their behavior. it is a difficult thing to try and learn in adulthood. I get quite a bit of anxiety over personal relationships. 

I hope ypou can do something this evening, for yourself, that will help you to feel better and bring you some hope. 

[Sans911]

@Sahara thank you for listening. It seems we have a few things in common. Yes, my biggest challenge in adult life is interpersonal relationships. I'm ok on a day to day level, but when it gets tricky or there's conflict, my defences come up and all the assertive skills in the world can't save me.

Most of the bullying I've had has been in the workplace, and unfortunately I've suffered more than have for it. Bullies are the masters of manipulation, and often will twist the story around to make others pity and protect them.

I'm just hiding away from the world today. That's the easiest thing for me right now. It's still mid afternoon here in the West, and quite hot today, so my bedroom is a cool haven right now. I might go outside later if the afternoon breeze comes over.

[Former-Member]

Bullying I let impact me all my life,to being a fat child,but the bullying I had the day before my fortieth 5.5 years ago was the finale of my working life as I was just hanging in there at that time.The b***** are still there which makes me angry,and the Manager was a idiot who projected it on me,who never been in trouble.It sux when we aren't strong to survive the bastardisation of human behaviour. @Sans911 and @Sahara

[Sahara]

@Sans911 and @Former-Member,

bullies are everywhere and always will be. Every workplace has a few. I was lucky in that I usually didn't react or show much emotion (even though I felt frightened and alone inside) and so the bullies would usually leave me alone and move onto someone they could get a reaction out of.

I was always shy, but intelligent and so people generally didn't know how to take me. I always noticed that the loud, obnoxious people tended to be liked at work, even though they weren't very smart or even particularly good at their job! Workplaces are like school-grounds .... they are status oriented and also big on gossip and popularity contests. Not my cup of tea, I'm afraid!   I just wanted to work and learn stuff.....

[Former-Member]

I know @Sahara,job interviews I've sensed that just visiting,I don't know if I will ever handle it again as I know I won't tolerate it.I just want to work.I just seem to have that sign on my head"Feel free to put me down".I was quiet and conscientious.I did have to turn into a b**** to survive but when I suffered stress in all aspects of life,I was had it.Came home from one b**** a few weeks before that and remember distressed and curled up on the floor,looking back that was a breakdown.

[Sahara]

@Former-Member I relate to your comment "I had to become a b---- to survive". Yes, I agree, I think I did too and it's sad....

I think towards the end of my working years (I'm still going to work now but really winding down a lot) I really did become extremely cynical and would make snide comments behind people's backs and laugh my head off... it was really my way of coping, but it was disrespectful in hindsight. 

I said some terrible things about people, but I meant them at the time. 

I wonder if my behavior prevented people from being mean to me, because they would strongly suspect that I would character assassinate them behind their backs as payback? I don't know... but I hope so!! lol 

[Former-Member]

For a while @Sahara,I became "one of them",but I wanted to fit in more than anything else.But the tension got that bad I couldn't do and work in different parts of that workplace due to the b******,people not talking to you,I didn't recognise my anxiety then.I used to be that stressed I couldn't urinate like a child on toilet breaks due to the atmosphere.Their stupid Xmas lunches were ridiculous,in the end did not participate as you didn't want to eat something a b**** had brought.My fortieth birthday I will never forget,didn't enjoy it and I have to avoid shopping in this town because of my anxiety and the hatred I've got for the pathetic people in it.

[Former-Member]

@Sans911I hope you are going ok tonight. I know you are going through an extremely hard time and just wanted you to know that I am here for you