Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Sans911]

@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7I am about the same today; essentially, no better and no worse. I guess that could be looked at as a good thing. My mh case manager has called off the hospital admission for now, and will bring me prn meds tonight to help me sleep. I am being reviewed by the pdoc on Thurs, so I guess they will see how I am then. Weekends are my worst time for going downhill. I have no friends nearby in my city; they are all interstate and overseas. So I don't get invited out for meals, movies or even coffee. Even those that aren't nearby rarely call or message me. Everything I do is solitary, alone. I don't mind for some of the time, but my own company is tedious and boring at other times. So I go out less and less. My experiences of mh at this time in my life has left me with an acute sense of failure on a grand scale, and a deep sense of shame and self-loathing. Although I had mental health issues in my teens, I pulled myself out of that alone, and built a reasonable life where I stumbled through everything, occasionally falling and failing, but got up regardless and carried on. In the last 2 years my entire world has crumbled, and I hate what I have been reduced to, and how pathetic my life has become. I despise the person I now am, the stigma and shame of my mh experiences have scarred me deeply, and I find it harder and harder to feel good about anything. I know this is self-pity at it's greatest, and I am grateful for many things, especially when others suffer greater injustices in my city and the world beyond. It's just really hard, day after day, feeling like I do, to find reasons to carry on.There are very small glimmers of hope, but like a mirror flashing in the sunlight, I only catch glimpses of that hope every so often.

[Zoe7]

@Sans911 You describe it as self-pity - I describe it as a natural feeling to have under the circumstances 

There are times in everyone's life when the injustices of the world feel like they have landed on our shoulders and there is nothing you can do to change that - this happens for everyone - whether you have a MI or not. I believe that people with a MI tend to blame themselves for this while those that don't have a MI tend more to blame others - introspection is a positive side effect you may say, of having a MI. This is completely my own view, and defintiely not based in any research - just observation and a generalised view of human nature.

What can make us stronger also has the potential to destroy us - and finding that line and choosing to go one way or the other is a very, very hard place to navigate. What you have been doing, over the last two days in particular, is sitting on that line and openly 'talking' about exactly how you are feeling, where you have been and even, at times, where you want to go - and that in itself shows glimmers of hope 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Sans911. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you're going. How are you feeling about the admission being called off for now?

I can empathise with so many of the themes you've mentioned above. The feelings of being alone, the sense of failure because of MH stuff (I'm guessing getting in the way of the way of the life you planned or worked for?), the feeling of the world crumbling, the struggle of day after day feeling like you're not getting out of it etc. It's a lonely, frustrating, miserable kind of place to be in sometimes.

I hope the you sleep well tonight. Things can sometimes feel just a bit easier after a good night sleep for me.

💛

[Sans911]

@CheerBearI am glad that the hospital admission has been called off, but I feel it's a mere repreive until I see the pdoc on Thursday or the weekend looms again. I am quite sure my case manager will push me to be admitted for few days. I had to go to the Emergency Dept last Sunday for a check up due to SH behaviour, and because I disclosed it to my case manager, she was the one insistant that I go, or else the police or ambulance would have been called. Far worse scenario, and costly for an ambulance in this state. I think thanks to her input, I was only there a couple of hours before I was released. I guess some part of me wants to live, because I try to be honest with my mh case manager about what is happening for me. She is trying to help me, and has been an advocate for me for some time now, so I owe it to her and more importantly to myself. Besides, they are pretty good at 'reading' behaviours. Yes, this is definitely not the life I imagined. Part of me wants to leave this state altogether, but I know how detrimental that would also be, and how much that might completely tip me over the edge. So for now I stay stuck in this place. I just wish it was more tolerable.

[CheerBear]

I guess that sounds like a bit of relief, but also maybe some hesitation to appreciate the relief if you believe it is only temporary @Sans911. Tricky. That would make me feel really shaky I think.

Did you/will you maybe have to go to the same hospital as work?

It's great to hear that you are open and honest with your case manager. I agree, it sounds like that's the part of you that wants to keep on keeping on.

Totally with you on wanting to leave for somewhere completely different too, but knowing it could be a bad idea and therefore being sort of stuck. I wish (often, waaaaay too often) that I could just up and go to the middle of nowhere and start from scratch. When my kids are not kids anymore, I plan to live completely on my own in the middle of a forest with a heap of yarn, a rocking chair and too many cats as my company 😉

[Sans911]

@CheerBearI work as an agency nurse, and thankfully this hospital has no Emergency Dept, so I have never worked there. Only been an inpatient. Several times over already. So the staff are getting to know me. That doesn't make it any easier at all. Some of the staff used to interact with me a lot more when I was first there as an inpatient; now they too have pulled away, and that saddens me immensely. So I interact less and less, hence the only reason I go there is for 'containment of risk' but it's not that different to home. I don't interact with other patients anymore, although I did before on a long admission, I barely leave my room except to eat and get meds, so overall it's not entirely a 'pleasant' stay.So yes, my anxiety is increasing already the more I think about it. I can sometimes be clever and word how things are to make it seem like the risk is less, but that is getting harder to do.

[CheerBear]

😞 I am getting a better idea of what it might be like for you to think about hospital. I'm sorry things are this way for you at the moment @Sans911.

[Sans911]

@CheerBearThank you for you listening regardless. It is appreciated. Hospitals are difficult places for me to be, emergency or not, working r n for I feel judged and stigmatised at every turn. Even more so now that my mental illness has affected my ability to work, and managers of certain departments are refusing to have me work there. Even my agency has barred me temporarily due to issues of becoming unreliable. It's tearing me apart, for I feel I have nothing left that is worthwhile anymore.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Just listening along here @Sans911 ..... 💜

[Sans911]

@Faith-and-Hope Thank you so much. I know you and others have some significant struggles going, not that @CheerBear doesn't either, so I stopped ragging you and Zoe7. I think very highly of you, so it means a lot to me that you've taken the time out if day to care enough to read my posts. Hugs ❤️💜💙