when is it time for hospital

[outlander]

Im a friggin idiot @Owlunar

[outlander]

hi @Owlunar thank you for your response.

ill write now as i think when my mother and her bf get home i wont have much chance to get back on. i think im about to get yelled at and probably then go hide back in my own little bubble for a bit and not breathe, move, speak anything otherwise ill get yelled at again

i really want her t move out now. i dont really have any other options at the moment. i dotn argue with my mother or anyone over aything. i dont stand up for myself either. i think its jsut easier to take it then to keep arguing all the time.

i obviously dont worry them enough because im still here, when i should be elsewhere.

[outlander]

im a complete friggin idiot.

the drs appointment went ok i suppose. i told her about the shaking, tremours, throwing up and paranoia and shes goignt o speak to my psychiatrist about the mediations as well.

my psychiatrist has been really good and she said its up to me but if itll ake it easier for me then shes quite happy to refer me to another psychiatrist and she said she also understands how diffiuclt it is for me to see her esp after the last blowup phone conversation and that it has probably strianed the realtionship between me and her. she said its totally up to me shes happy to continue seeing me or shes happy to transfer me to someone else.

i think my gp is thinking about pullng me out of the victims of crime service sounselling becasue of my high distress levels already, she said see how i get on at the next session and we can go from there. i ahve that psych appointment tomorrow and then i see her again n friday. i think ill need to see her becasue of the converstaion im about to endure tonight when mum and her bf get home.

ive also have to wait for a phone call back from my mental health team in regards to those psych sessions and assessments. shes in tomorrow-the paych ive been assignened since ive changed- and ive left her msgs to call me back so i want it sorted out tomorrow

ive sent my mother a msg sayign that im going back onto medications- only said something because my paranoia is getting worse and think this could be a way to im hoping ease the paranoia and also the tension in the house but now i think i shouldnt have as she sent me a face with steam coming out its ears and i know very much what that means.  im shi**ing myself for tonight.

yesterday the vet came to and the horse only needs one more week now of antibitoics and then she can go abck out with ther friends @Owlunar@Anony18@Former-Member@Queenie@eth@Former-Member@Former-Member@STORMGRL101 (thought id move the convo over to here so it doesnt over ride your thread- hope you dont mind)

[Owlunar]

Wow @outlander

You are not a frigging idiot - you are no kind of idiot - no name calling please - You are an intelligent young woman stuck in a bad place and your so-called mother is making it worse for you by using denigrating language and treating you like a second-class citizen and "less than" - less than perfect - less than your sisters, less than her bf - less than everything

I dread this conversation or whatever you are having this afternoon also - actually I am really worried

I hate fighting too - when I was still living at home - until I got into the army reserve and spent time at night school as well as full time work - I would have a bad time too - not the same as you are because my father was on my side and didn't let my mother get too bad when he was there - but he wasn't always there and often my mother would bang my dinner plate on the table so hard the peas would all jump off the plate and bounce around on the table-cloth and I would often have no idea what I had done - and I think she was jealous that my father would stick up for me - but he did that a lot and I get it - she was jealous

But that's not your bother - but I understand how darned hard it is to yet yelled at and called useless when we are not - and you are not - and hide that medication in some kind of deep hole - don't let her find it - and here's another way

I just thought of it

Don't argue - freeze her out - tell her it's your business and walk out of the house - grab your jacket and your phone and your wallet and your medication and whatever else is important - and tell her you don't need her carping on - just walk out and tell her you will be back she she has a decent tongue in her head

Or just walk out - and have your stuff ready

Wow - I hope I can be around later - I can't always - but I will be thinking about you and wish you could jus melt through the screen

I'm thinking of your with lots of virtual hugs

Dec

[outlander]

ive sent my mother a msg sayign that im going back onto medications- only said something because my paranoia is getting worse and think this could be a way to im hoping ease the paranoia and also the tension in the house but now i think i shouldnt have as she sent me a face with steam coming out its ears and i know very much what that means. im shi**ing myself for tonight
@Owlunar

[outlander]

And i literally have no where to go.
And i wish i could melt through the screen do. I wouldnt come back through to here. Not a chance.
Thanks for the ideas. Its just a waiting game now. Mum will be home soon but her bf wont be home until 5 so until then itll be angry silence until then.
I cant even explain myself to them. I shouldnt have to.

[STORMGRL101]

Oh @outlander I feel for you ❣️❣️
I wish your mother could understand how much you need these medications at the moment. Since you have already explained it to them can you just try to ignore and do something that relaxes you. Hide those medications!

[Owlunar]

You are right @outlander

You shouldn't have to explain yourself to them - to start off with it's not of the bf's business - it's not your mother's business either- but I understand her wanting to know

But - she doesn't want to know - she thinks you are blaming her - which you are - and that what is happening to you is not her fault - which a lot of it is - d'uh - I had a mother like that - aw - sheesh - that's bad

I get her bitchiness here - waiting for her bf to come home for reinforcements - tell her to shut the hell up - scream it if possible - and grab your important stuff and walk out - I know you have no one else to go but you can leave the scene to avoid the confrontation

I know you are falling into a hole with all the arguing and shit - so would I - but here's the thing - with all this going on your anger is going inside and really deep and causing your depression, shakes, chills - everything. It's causing your thoughts to be focused on the negative - which is totally normal and I have been there - but didn't get depressed cause I would walk out or scream a lot - depending on the situation - maybe I was depressed - anyway.

I am not going anywhere just now - I had a shower then soaked my foot and redressed it - so that has been done I can stay here for the time being - when is the bitch coming home? Would it be easier for you to deal with her without the bf? What do they do? Do they lean over you shouting? Brow-beating? What can they do

First thing is to conceal that medication and refuse to give it up - this is all you can do for yourself - it's horrible to be where you are now and I am thinking about you

Dec

[outlander]

unfortunatley @STORMGRL101 it doesnt work that way with them 😞 they are going to want every detail again- that i will be downsizing quite abit because they dont know and dont need to know half of some of the stuff. yet ive explained why i need them and even my psychiatrist did it too but they dont listen or they dont care either one 😞

i want them to jsut leacve me alone so i can do what i need to do

[STORMGRL101]

@outlander can you write them a letter explaining it? and say you don't wish to talk about it because you need some space? If an argument happens is there a quiet place you can go to let them calm down and you to relax?
❣️