It's taken me a while to get back to this post because there is a lot in it, and I had some things I needed to do. Also, I needed to write this up on my computer, and I wanted time to give this post a proper response @outlander
I think it's really important to start naming what those emotions are when you start to feel panic and being overwhelmed. Naming emotions helps us to recognise what we are feeling. Then the aim is to recognise these feeling BEFORE you get to be panicked and overwhelmed, and in major distress. When we get overwhelmed, floods of hormones are released, there are macro and micro changes within the brain, and all bring about change in our bodies. So suddenly what didn't hurt so much hurts like heck. And other hurts get fired up because there is an increase in blood flow, an increase in the lymphatic system, an increase in chemicals. I am not invalidating what you are feeling at all, simply breaking it down into a biological state, which I know you have awareness of, so you can see how much internal impact stress has on the body.
When we become aware of our emotions, and can head them off at the pass(deal with them) we still might get distressed, but it is less, and we recover from that faster and easier. You are having trigger after trigger after trigger, so some way/how you are going to have to learn to deal with them. And hopefully you will find someone who is just the right person to help you do that.
You can't change anything in the past that has happened. Yes, you can still feel the effects, but that changes nothing about what happened to you. And you can't do anything about the future either. I get that it feels uncertain, I really do, because I worry about the same thing too.
All you have control of, and can do anything about is NOW. That is all. And you can control your reactions and responses to situations so you don't drown in them. It takes time, effort, and repetition but it can be acheived. Have you ever kept a mood diary? I think that could be something useful for you. Just use an excercise book, and write down how you feel when you wake up, any mood changes during the day, and how you feel when you go to bed. You don't need to do anything with it at this stage. And you'll probably start noticing patterns in time. Do you think this might work for you?
I understand how scared and uncertain you are. I felt the same at your age, and still now. And I worry too much too. But in the last couple of years I have started to understand and accept that I can only work in this moment, and I can only deal and change this moment. I still worry too much, and I am very uncertain of my future, but I am also trying to let go of that uncertainity, and let things unfold in their own time. That is super scary trusting in the fact that things will be alright in time, however, if I don't accept that trust, it is when I am most suicidal.
For now you have very little outside support, so it is only fair you come here to seek it. You have a lot of people here that want to support you and care about you deeply. And it's totally fair to come here for help and support, because it is not always on one person. We can share the load around. That's why if someone is talking to you, you often don't see me, because it gives me some time out, and it is always good to have others input.
I don't know if you have noticed so much @outlander, but in the time I have known you, you have made a lot of changes and progressed quite a lot. Some things haven't changed for you, but you already recover quicker from distress, especially in the last few months. I think that is partly because you are learning to recognise those emotions, and you are learning to try to deal with them from getting worse. And even when you learn these strategies for dealing with emotions, sometimes it is good to have several of them. Like a toolbox. So when one strategy doesn't work, you have another.
Wow, now I have really rambled. And I am not tooting my own horn (well, maybe a little), but it might be worth keeping this post to look back on every few days. You don't need to make changes at the moment, but when you read something over and over, after a while you remember it, and then making those changes is easier, because you brain has already started to process it.
