**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[outlander]

@Former-Memberyou do deserve to be here. we will help you and hold the light for you too. thats what we do here  

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I can certainly relate to all those big feelings that you are describing. I feel alone because I AM alone here in the real world. I too feel defeated and severely distressed.

I think perhaps where we differ is that I know I CAN keep going if I want to. For me the question is more a matter of whether I choose to or not. Right now, tonight, I choose to keep going. And right now, tonight, is all I need to deal with. I will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

[Former-Member]

I'm in bed @Faith-and-Hope .

[Sans911]

@Former-Member you SHOULD be here, don't you go anywhere. You need us, and I need you. I don't fret over people I don't care about, and I was very concerned for you. I thought a number of scenarios

1. You'd been bitten by a snake on your walk & were slowly dying because you were al9ne
2. You had eloped with @TAB to your own secret island & left us all behind

And 3. Well, I'm not even going to say this one out loud. Because it was my worst fears that I have for everyone, including me.

Your mother is just a mean, unappreciative women @Former-Member. That's not your fault.

[Former-Member]

I can't get a job @Phoenix-Rising,and I feel I am at the end,had decided to agree after much reluctance to carers for my benefit more than hers,to take pressure off myself.Have many issues with my mother,yes she has problems, but also issues that contributed to my breakdown through the stress,including the fact that she never helped herself and she is lazy in many ways.My uncle told me years ago my late father complained about her to him.And times like today,she can be the most cold self centred b****.I said to the Dr before it wasn't healthy for me to be her carer.I am trapped in a life with nothing to offer.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Sans911,I have to log off for a short time,otherwise the moderator will be onto me and O might be triggering others.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling alone, lonely and that you shouldn't be here.  As @Sans911, @Faith-and-Hope, @Phoenix_Rising, and @outlander said, you are valued and not alone here on the forums - we want you here! As I am quite concerned about your welfare, I am sending you a check-in email.

Please let us know if you are safe!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Sans911]

@Phoenix_Rising - you always seem to have the right words to say that make people feel heard and validated. It's unfortunate that we, those of us with BPD, often know what to say because we've heard too many times what not been said to us.

Yes, I have EUPD/BPD. Apparently, it's a subset of BPD or some such crap like that. I also have major depressive disorder (which seems to be treatment resistant) and anxiety. So the ECT was suggested for my depression. I'm generally a high functioning person, even in the midst of all this my insight has remained mostly intact; my judgement is impaired though. Although I've never seen ECT in action, and my only visual of it is from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' (not the best representation), but I do know the efficacy of it is still debatable to this day. And even if it is suitable for me, why has it not been raised with my own pdoc? That's certainly a discussion I'll be having with her on my next appt.

My anger has settled greatly (thanks also to prn meds), but again I'm so utterly disappointed with his almost pushy salesman tactic. And having to rehash my whole life history that lead to today was not uncomfortable so much as trying to make him understand the complexities of it, as I had to repeat myself several times. I can talk about my history like I'm buttering toast, as long as no one goes digging deeper than the top layer. I felt also like I was having to justify my depression. Sheesh.

Im just struggling to keep going @Phoenix_Rising. BPD and any MI is still greatly misunderstood & I was made today to feel like I was such a problem because I refused treatment. I can just see my file & what's written in it now.

Thanks again @Phoenix_Rising. You are one special 🐢

[Sans911]

@Former-Member too late!! @Former-Member is already onto you 😂!

Stay lovely. Talking with you is a distraction for us both.

[outlander]

@Sans911